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trying to feel like me again
message 13601:
by
Erin
(new)
May 06, 2023 10:11AM
Even though I'm going back to my mom's I won't let her break me anymore
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I won't let myself fall a part over the same things
I'm doing really bad right now and I need a distraction so here I am
the worst part about having hallucinations is nit being able to figure out how much of your life is real
I know the abuse was real, the trauma is real
but I have dreams and nightmares and memories all swirling inside my head and I don't know what's real
I feel like everything I do just isn't good enough
like I'll never be able to do what I want because the truth is I don't know what I want
I wanted to be a teacher but I don't think I can do it
I don't know how I can stand and take charge of a classroom
that's all I've ever wanted to do forever
but I don't think I'll ever be stable enough to be a good teacher and I don't want to condemn students to having to suffer with a bad teacher
I shouldn't be having a fucking panic attack at the idea of seeing my mother
I just wish I could get over myself already haha
I'm back at my mom's and every day it feels like it's getting harder to breathe
You know I thought my sister would be here
I thought I'd have her support but she's only shown me she doesn't give a damn
When I was younger, I tried so hard to be the fucking perfect sister
I thought if I could at least pretend to be perfect my family would be okay
As if I had the power to control everything
in this house that is filled with trauma
and I hate myself for being back here
but I don't really have anywhere else to go
My mom makes me feel guilty for being alive
Erin wrote: "Even though I'm going back to my mom's I won't let her break me anymore"hahahah gods I'm so fucking stupid
She will always break me because that's just the kind of person she is
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
