it's personal discussion
150+ views
>
trying to feel like me again
message 13451:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 01, 2023 06:13PM
I am starting to finally work on that writing project I've been plotting since November
reply
|
flag
I did write a little over three chapters though
but I made it through the first week of classes
I'm so afraid of relapsing that I don't know how to go on living which is what essentially causes me to relapse because that's what happened last semester
but it's worse this time because I can recognize it and I don't want to stop
but these meds they make me feel hunger again
and my sister today on the phone was joking about food with me and I was literally about to have a panic attack and she didn't even realize that it wasn't fun for me
speaking of my sister I'm the maid of honor for her wedding
and I'm trying to be supportive and happy for her but sometimes she's just too much and she doesn't see it
she doesn't understand her actions sometimes
she was originally going to have the wedding on my birthday
and I told her it was fine because I hate my birthday
and she didn't even try to tell me I shouldn't or to say that that day should've been about me
that it should be the one day I can feel good about myself and not feel guilty for it
but no she didn't say anything like that
she didn't care if my birthday was important or unimportant to me
she just wanted it to be important to her
but I literally hate my birthday because I hate myself and because bad things happened around it
anyways my other sister found out and got mad at her for having it on my birthday and apparently she called me a pushover for saying it was okay
but I honestly thought I was in the wrong for being upset about it because that's how my sister made me feel
like her wedding is supposed to be about her and she should be able to have it whenever she wants regardless if it's on my birthday or not
but that's just proof of how fucked up my brain is
like I want to run in front of a car kinda sad
like I want to sleep and never wake up kinda sad
like I want to fall and break away from myself
I just want these thoughts and voices and bullshit to stop
I hate myself so much and I hate that I hate myself
I hate these intrusive thoughts and the way they take over my life
because sadness isn't all there is to me
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
