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[Erin]

To Be A Metaphor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jT1j...

You know what is about to happen before it does.
You try to ignore it and take deep breaths,
pretending like everything's okay,
like you're okay.
Will you ever be okay?

Five.
You’re starting to count down
until everything stops spinning
and your breath is even again.
It feels like this will never end.

Four.
You stare at the ground in front of you as you walk,
rushing only slightly so that nobody would notice
and moving out of anybody’s way because those are the rules.
Don’t draw attention and don’t be a problem.

Three.
Everything is blurry.
You’re crying and you don’t know when it started.
You feel like sinking into the floor but you know that won’t happen.
That it can’t happen.
You tell yourself to hang on
but not because you’re giving yourself a break after all of this
but because you’re breaking another rule by crying.
You’re not supposed to show that you feel things.
You’re supposed to toughen up and be a woman that doesn't need nobody.
That doesn’t love anybody.
Emotionless, not fragile.
Intelligent, not confused.
Nobody’s supposed to know that you actually care
about everyone and everything way more than you should.

Two.
You’re stuck in all the images of you.
The ones perceived by both yourself and others,
and all of those voices get trapped inside of your head
and you don’t know how to explain them to anybody else.
You don’t know how to admit that you’re your worst nightmare-
The only critic worth caring about isn’t your mother, it's you.

One.
It’s over.
Or it’s supposed to be over.
You feel yourself relax visibly on the outside
but on the inside you’re chaos.
You agree with your therapist when she says you look better
because it’s easier to lie than it is to admit that you might never get better.

Zero.
You’re dealing with the aftermath of a panic attack.
The thing that’s never talked about.
They talk about the before and how to spot signs that you’re about to have one.
They talk about when you’re currently having one and the coping skills to make them stop.
They don’t tell you about the aftermath,
about the guilt or the worries
or the fears that your weakness will lead people to taking advantage of you once more.
The feelings of self-hatred
because why couldn’t you just take deep breaths
and engage in the world like everybody else?
Like anybody else?

And then the realization hits
and the dissociation begins to end
as I realize this is me,
not you.

I am a roller coaster.
One moment I’m on the top of the world,
looking at everything and everyone from a distance.
The next I’m falling, falling way too fast to catch myself.
Nothing makes sense.
I am peace.
I am chaos.
I am a paradox of worlds I have yet to understand.
I am a dreamer who went too far out of bounds.
I am abstract art trying to seek peace.
I am a gun with no bullets, an arrow with no bow.
Am I a person without a soul, or a metaphor without a goal?
To be a metaphor- yes, I think that’s me and oh how outrageous can that really be.

I am fighting my brain most days.
Having to use extra effort
just to convince myself to leave my dorm room.
Sometimes I walk out the door only to turn back.
Those are the worst days
because I gave myself hope that I could do it
before taking it away.
I shouldn’t have to convince myself to eat.
I shouldn’t have to convince myself that I’m safe.
I shouldn’t have to convince myself that being a metaphor can be okay.
That just surviving isn’t living.
That just pretending isn’t working.
That there will always be bad days,
but living through them will someday have a purpose.

But I do,
and I’m still learning how to live with that.
So yes.
I am depression.
I am anxiety.
But I’m also so much more.
I am a map leading to a life that has yet to be explored.
I am hope.
I am alive.

This is the last call,
the one that kept me here:
To be a metaphor is to be everything in life,
not just the bad.
Everything.

[Erin]

^That's a poem I wrote and a video of me saying it

[Erin]

I wish I could explain the way I was feeling the same way I wish I wasn't as broken as I am

[Erin]

I don't think I know how to heal

[Erin]

how to stop feeling broken

[Erin]

how to stop remembering bad times around days that are supposed to be about celebration

[Erin]

I think the hard part is knowing that these days are about more than celebration

[Erin]

They're about reflection

[Erin]

They're about learning to live again, even on days where it feels like you'll never have a purpose

[Erin]

Will I ever have a purpose?

[Erin]

I don't know

[Erin]

and maybe I'll never know

[Erin]

and maybe I'll just have to get used to not knowing things

[Erin]

and how learning to live again will take a lot of hard work

[Erin]

I'm scared

[Erin]

scared that I'm not enough

[Erin]

scared that I'll never be enough

[Erin]

scared that I have given people way too much power over me

[Erin]

scared that I'm weak and that I'll always remain weak

[Erin]

scared that I will never love anyone the way I love her

[Erin]

scared that I'll never love again

[Erin]

scared of feeling nothing

[Erin]

of every feeling disappearing

[Erin]

of every word being forgotten

[Erin]

of moving on

[Erin]

of not moving on

[Erin]

of living life the way I want to live it

[Erin]

of never getting to live for myself

[Erin]

of never being who I want to be

[Erin]

of never knowing who that is

[Erin]

I don't know

[Erin]

I guess I'm just terrified of the great vastness of the world and how insignificant we all really are

[Erin]

so uh I'm doing really bad right now

[Erin]

like I'm kind of spiraling

[Erin]

and I don't know what to do

[Erin]

I can't focus on anything

[Erin]

Everything feels wrong

[Erin]

I'm wrong

[Erin]

I don't know

[Erin]

I just want to run sometimes

[Erin]

to run and never look back

[Erin]

How far am I willing to go

[Erin]

just to feel like I'm me again

[Erin]

I just wanna feel like me again

[Erin]

IT'S THE WEEKEND BEFORE EXAMS AND I'M FREAKING OUT

[Erin]

I'm so scared of failing

[Erin]

but everything will probably be okay

[Erin]

probably

[Erin]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Erin]

sooooooooooo