it's personal discussion
and how my stupid professor should've told us about the essay sooner because I hadn't even seen it on canvas until last week
and how I still haven't finished the first one since I was hospitalized
We have to do a presentation of something creative we've done over the course of this semester
so I used a poem that I had been working on and finished it up and then decided yep this is the one
even though it's super vulnerable and I have to present it in front of my class
My professor knows I have anxiety and has offered me to just meet with her before the day I'd present in class and present to only her
I want to change my title again but I don't know what to change it to
I mean I love it and all but I like changing things lol
oh I still have to write that essay btw
Right now the highest I could get on it would be a c
so I'm upset with myself still but I can't get myself to write it
I also still need to pick up my meds today
you ever just feel like you're running out of time?
like you just suddenly realize you're living this life and every single day you get closer to your death
and for me it's like I spent so much time wanting to die
and I'm still trying to learn how to live with that knowledge
to live with the possibility that that thought and idea will always be somewhere inside my mind, beckoning me to just let go
but then I remember something I read in this book a while ago
about how they knew their mental illness would always be waiting for them
In that case it was different and it was represented by a captain of a ship I think
but it's still an analogy I understand
oh I did pick up my meds yesterday btw
and I have a week to get my essays done so I'm less stressed about those now
Having a care manager is really helpful
It helps to rationalize the parts of my brain that I can't control or that I let control me? I'm not really sure how to explain it
Two of my siblings are struggling right now and I feel really bad
And one of them just helped me get food for thanksgiving break since I'm not going back to my mom's
I think it's sad that I have to call it mom's now
I mean I shouldn't be afraid of her or of going back
I might try going back for Christmas/ winter break
anyways I'm try to get some work done
Sometimes by Chelsea Cutler
Tell me your secrets, I won't repeat them
This tug in my chest makes it hard to get rest
And I think that I'm better off dead
Tell me you mean it, give me your pieces
This hole in my heart makes it hard to restart
And I think that I'm falling apart
God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe
'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside
Tell me it's over, at least I'm closer
This weight on my neck makes it hard to connect
And I'm staring at my feet again
I don't think they know it, how bad I'm broken
The colors you see have become lost on me
And I can't find the root of the bleed
God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe
'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside
God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe
'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGjls...
I'm Fine by Anthony Amorim
Words are just complicated air flow
So I'll keep 'em safe inside of my throat
I'm so afraid of what I've become
Runnin' all night to stay numb
Lately I've been livin' in the background
Keep my voice low, keep my head down
That's what I do, I build up my walls
Hold my breath, pray they don't fall
I say I'm fine
When I know any moment my world could collapse
I'm alright
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
That I'm fine
I'm fine
Words have been stuck inside of my chest
'Cause everything I say feels like a waste of my breath
I'm so ashamed of who I've been lately
Spend all my time findin' ways to escape me
Sorry that I haven't been returnin' your calls
It's just that I'd rather do nothin' at all
And to make some excuses for where I've gone wrong
Instead of bringin' you along
I say I'm fine
When I know any moment my world could collapse
I'm alright
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
In the light
Lie, lie to myself
Push them away 'cause I won't ask for help
Run and hide
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
That I'm fine
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
That I'm fine
Words are just complicated air flow
And every cry for help is like an echo
I can't explain all that I've done
So I just say I'm fine
When I know any moment my world could collapse
I'm alright
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
In the light
Lie, lie to myself
Push them away 'cause I won't ask for help
Run and hide
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
That I'm fine
It's just when I breathe it gets hard to believe
That I'm fine
I'm fine
Fine
I'm Not Dead Yet by Mike Posner
Hoodie on my head, cold breath in the air (air)
People walkin' by like I'm not even there (there)
Last three nights felt like a hundred years (ooh, ooh)
I get paid for my pain long as I can make it rhyme (rhyme)
But sometimes I can't tell if it's even mine (mine)
Either way it's beautiful, look at how it shines
It sounds like
Ooh, it's all in my head (my head)
Lightning and thunder and
Ooh, I'm not dead yet
In case you were wonderin'
This is what a sad song sounds like
It's been playin' in my head for my whole lifе
It's beautiful and cruel at the samе time
Ooh, ooh, yeah
And this is what a broken heart beats like
It's tearin' up my chest like a jackknife
But it gets me through the good and the bad times (ooh)
This is what a sad song sounds like
This is what a sad song sounds like
Say it like you love me, say it like you care (care)
I know that I'm fucked up, I don't even care (care)
When I close my eyes, I swear I can disappear
It sounds like
Ooh, it's all in my head (my head)
Lightning and thunder and
Ooh, I'm not dead yet (dead yet)
In case you were wonderin'
This is what a sad song sounds like
It's been playin' in my head for my whole life (whole life)
It's beautiful and cruel at the same time (yeah)
Ooh, ooh, yeah
And this is what a broken heart beats like (beats like)
It's tearin' up my chest like a jackknife
But it gets me through the good and the bad times (bad times)
This is what a sad song sounds like
This is what a sad song sounds like
(Told me)
(It was over)
(Told me)
(It was over)
This is what a sad song sounds like
My therapist had to cancel our session for this week today because she was sick
I didn't know until after I had a mental breakdown and forced myself to pull myself together all in the span of thirty minutes because I only decided to check my email when it was time for our appointment
It's not her fault or mine or anyone's
I'm honestly kind of glad it was cancelled
I don't think I could've really had a good session today
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
