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trying to feel like me again
message 13151:
by
Erin
(new)
Nov 16, 2022 08:03PM
so it shocked me today when I was
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It's like I actually thought I had escaped my thoughts today
I wish I died after my first attempt years ago
before I met her and everyone else who makes me feel guilty
back when I thought impulsively that my family wouldn't miss me
and I hate it because people keep telling me to live
so instead I hear threats of them locking me up in a hospital if I don't get better
which I was told they can't technically do since I'm an adult
but still the thoughts make me anxious
I just wish I could just be me and I wish that could be enough
i have an essay do in an hour and im freaking the fuck out because i hate everything i wrote because it doesn't make sense so i deleted it im about to start crying
sorry no time for grammar but time for a panic attack
and like my essay is on happiness and I don't want to change topics but the more I start to write it the more I realize I don't really agree or well I do but I think it's ugh idk
I just want to be okay, to feel stable again and to stay stable but that feeling never lasts
because all I ever think about is why I don't deserve to be happy, why I don't deserve to be okay
and it feels like my brain is always going to be at battle with itself
I'm upset with myself because I forgot that the book club started today
I'm out of meds and I couldn't go to the pharmacy today because they messed up the first time I went well sort of
and then by the time we fixed it and just switched them over to a different pharmacy because the original one didn't answer the phone and I had money to pay for an uber/lyft, it was getting too complicated to put the actual money on the account because I was trying to use paypal and it was just being stupid
like how the hell I still haven't finished the essay
and all the problems that are going to come through that
and how I should make a plan to complete it by figuring out what the actual fuck I'm writing about
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
