trying to feel like me again Showing 12,951-13,000 of 14,783

[Erin]

this is about the fact that I have people who care about me and they're not enough

[Erin]

because all they do is make me feel guilty

[Erin]

whether it's for living or for wanting to die- all they do is make me feel guilty

[Erin]

and I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this

[Erin]

It feels like I'm dying sometimes

[Erin]

but death never comes

[Erin]

have you ever felt that way

[Erin]

because I feel someone choking me or standing on my chest and all I want to do is scream but I can't

[Erin]

and I don't want to go back to the hospital again because being there always makes me feel worse in ways the doctors can't imagine

[Erin]

I make a deal with a doctor.

[Erin]

He told me to make it to eighteen and finish high school and if I still wanted to die to come back to the hospital

[Erin]

I went back in may

[Erin]

after trying to kill myself

[Erin]

I had just turned 19 a few days prior

[Erin]

I can't celebrate my own birthday without wanting to kill myself

[Erin]

I am fucked up

[Erin]

I am too far gone and the only reason I'm still fucking alive is because I feel guilty

[Erin]

The only reason I'm at this damn college is because I feel guilty and because I couldn't be around my mom anymore

[Erin]

and my mom still calls to check up on me so how fucked up am I

[Erin]

I can't breathe

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "Maybe in the future I'll miss this, these nights, these words, these moments, but for now I'll just long for the future."

I miss it

[Erin]

I was right

[Erin]

I used to live for the future but now that it's here, I don't want it anymore

[Erin]

I thought that if I could just make it to the future I'd find some reason to live

[Erin]

I miss her but she's gone and she doesn't give a damn and you know maybe she never did or maybe I fucked things up because I always fuck things up

[Erin]

it'd be easier if I actually believed that she didn't give a damn

[Erin]

Gods she was fucking great

[Erin]

She made me think about what it would feel like to want to live

[Erin]

To really imagine it and want it and to feel it

[Erin]

but I don't feel that anymore

[Erin]

She'd be disappointed

[Erin]

I'm disappointed

[Erin]

and exhausted

[Erin]

I don't know what I'm still here for

[Erin]

besides all the feelings that come from living

[Erin]

Maybe I should just give up

[kavi ~he-him~]

*hugs* :((

[Erin]

kavi + alex + noir ~ve|vim~ wrote: "*hugs* :(("

*hugs back* Thank you :)

[Erin]

so no I didn't give up

[Erin]

I just ended up going to the hospital

[Erin]

I should have seen it coming

[Erin]

Maybe I did and I just won't admit it

[Erin]

but it still freaked me out pretty bad

[Erin]

I really didn't want to go

[Erin]

This school was saying some bullshit about me to my mother though so I'm kind of pissed off

[Erin]

it's fine though

[Erin]

I don't care that much

[Erin]

so I'm not super pissed off just a little

[Erin]

also I don't think any of my teachers were told I was hospitalized or at least not all of them but idk

[Erin]

I have to drop most classes