it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
I blame her for not taking care of her own mental health until after we all grew up and even then she still hasn't went to seek professional help
I blame her for using us as a reason to why she has all of these problems
I blame her for the terrible men she brought into our lives and who she allowed us to watch treat her like crap
I blame her for making me feel like I wasn't good enough
I blame her for making me believe I was better off dead if I couldn't control my mental health
So yes I am angry, but not because she caused my mental illness to exist but because she made it worse and refuses to admit that she emotionally abused her kids
because yes she had a fucked up childhood but so did we
I went to an anime convention this weekend
but they don't understand what it's like to feel so fucking guilty all the time
or to not be able to leave home without being reprimanded
and they can say mom doesn't matter but they don't live with her anymore
They're not there for the fights and the breakdowns
for the "it's all your fault" to the "I'm not good enough"
They don't have to come back but I do
because I promised my nonbinary sibling I would
and I'm not going to leave them stuck in this house
do you know what it's like to be belittled your entire life, to be screamed out and blamed for abusive relationships
to have your own mother be so emotionally abusive and not be able to have a conversation with her
to listen to her gossip with other family members and hate everything you're hearing but to know you can't open your mouth
because if you do everything goes back to how you're a bad kid, how you've ruined everything, how it's all your fault
I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED AND DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS ALL AT THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING TIME
I'M SORRY I JUST REALLY FUCKING FEEL LIKE CURSING
I'M SORRY I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
She tells me I blame her for my mental illness