it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 12551:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 11, 2022 02:10PM
And even if I'm not okay, it's okay for me to have bad days. I just need to keep remembering that
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I managed to get myself to reply and am even satisfied with how I wrote them so yay
Today was just a sentimental day, I think
because I'm relying on meds to cheer me up but I'm not on them right now
because I don't want to rely on these damn pills
I want to be able to be okay without them
because the thought that I'm better off dead just keeps coming back
and then they make it impossible to have an appointment when you're just getting out of the hospital
and it shouldn't be so fucking difficult
literally just let anyone there talk to me
if my psychiatrist it booked then get me a different one for the time being
I'm just so fucking tired of this company
and my new one just doesn't understand
because I'm reliving my abandonment and neglect issues right now
and I haven't seen her in awhile either so what the hell
I'm supposed to be going to college in a couple of months but the truth is I'm dreading it
I'm dreading having to force myself out of bed and to eat things and to go to class again and to start working again
I have to go to my sisters every week for my pills because I can't be trusted
who'd rather commit suicide then watch my little sibling grow up
I keep trying to find new things to distract me
That's the real reason I started roleplaying again
I need something other than the thoughts in my head
I hate myself for eating but force myself to do it anyways
Nobody seems to get how serious this actually is.
It's not like I'm trying to get attention
It's the fact that I'm hearing things and thinking things that won't leave me alone
Being outside makes me paranoid but my mother thinks it's a cure
you didn't see me crashyou didn't hear me cry out for your help
cuz I never said a word
until it was too late
Now I'm trying to hold on
but my grip is slipping so
If I go, it'll be okay
If I go, it'll be alright
promise you won't hold on too tight
promise you'll let me go this time
My school is really great, and I was undecided for forever but finally decided to do political science this semester!! It's kind of a calling tbh didn't seem like me to do anything else :)ALSO did I tell you I got into Divergent again precisely because HP was ruined for me? it led to me coming up with a whole fic universe that then turned into an original universe. I would love to find spots for all of your gays and theys in my world hehe. ironically I have a MC named Alice
also don't hesitate to take your antidepressants (AT THE APPROPRIATE DOSE). I've accepted that I'm reliant because the world is just that messy right now. it's not a sign of weakness it's a sign that the world is fucked up and we need to help ourselves how we can. <3
But good for you keeping the pills with your sister while you're feeling bad, that's super smart and I'm proud of you for keeping on keeping on!
I'm really glad that you're school's great and omg political science seems perfect for you! And no! But I absolutely love that it inspired a whole universe for you. And aww I love that! And haha that's great. My Alice was from the original HP group (idk if you remember her, it was a long time ago) but she's been put in the back burner for so long and I hate that because she was one of my favorites. I honestly want to write a book about the Carter sisters and even include Alisha who I don't have much experience writing about since she was born a muggle. It won't be set in the HP world obviously since it's my own story but it'd still include magic and idk maybe it'll be cool.
Thanks, I honestly needed to hear that. I'm just waiting to get in with my psychiatrist for refills because I'm nearly out of everything right now and it's messing me up.
It was actually my mom and my sister's idea tbh. That way I can have regular check-ins with my sister (whose also starting her first year of college this year but at a different school). And thanks! I'm proud of you too!
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
