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trying to feel like me again
message 12201:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 31, 2022 04:27PM
and I'm angry
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I wish you'd hold my handand I wished you'd lead the way
pull me out of the dark
and save the day
I thought that's what mothers did
that they were there for their kids
but I watched as you destroyed yourself for a man
more than once
and yes I was broken
but I still managed to love you
and yes I was hurting
but I still saw that you were hurting too
and now here I am
living for you
everything I do is for you
and you don't see that I'm broken
that there's no cure
there's no going back
for that little girl died
the very first time I tried
and she's never coming back
I'm never coming back
and you don't know how much that hurts
and you can call me selfish
and you can twist all my words
but I'm still going to love you
despite how you broke me
and isn't that just the worst
to love someone who will never know you
the way you've spent your entire life knowing them
to love a narcissist who will always put herself first
to love someone who only ever hurts you
Hey Erin! *big hugs* Do you, by any chance, have any means to change your therapist? I don't know whether you think your current one is right for you (and if she is, awesome!), but if not, any way you could try someone else since you feel like your mental health is getting worse?
Hi *hugs back* I'm honestly not sure. The company I go through right now is pretty bad and there's not a lot of good ones in my area. I could always try finding one through some online means but I'm not sure if my insurance would cover that. I honestly don't think my current therapist is right for me but I also don't feel like starting over again, so I might just stick with her. I think I'll be okay as soon as I manage to get ahold of my current therapist, but thank you for giving me something to think about.
but a part of me just wants to leave and not go to any of those places
My migraines are getting really bad again and I haven't been sleeping at night because I'm paranoid and because I overthink things and because my imagination is all over the place
As a writer an imagination should be a good thing
but as someone who hallucinates and is mentally ill it's like a nightmare I can't escape
I've been looking forward to going to college my entire life but at this point I can barely leave my house without having a panic attack
I feel like I'm a little kid again when I'd freak out whenever someone would talk or look at me
I don't want to go back to the person I used to be and I don't want to be the person that I am
I'm going to try calling my therapist tomorrow but I'm honestly scared and I don't know why I'm so scared
Maybe I should just have my mom call her like I always do but idk
I just realized I screwed something up
Erin wrote: "Hi *hugs back* I'm honestly not sure. The company I go through right now is pretty bad and there's not a lot of good ones in my area. I could always try finding one through some online means but I'..."I can imagine. Hope things work out well for you, though!
Hallie wrote: "Erin wrote: "Hi *hugs back* I'm honestly not sure. The company I go through right now is pretty bad and there's not a lot of good ones in my area. I could always try finding one through some online..."Thanks! I actually got more help recently and finally was able to get in contact with my therapist.
So I went back to the hospital for the past two weeks. I got out yesterday.
I did contact my therapist on the 7th and she recommended I be evaluated so I was
They decided to keep me hence my absence
I saw my therapist yesterday when I got out and I see her again tomorrow
I have to go to a visitation today and I'm scared
I went and it went badly but I'm glad I went
I just had a few moments when my neck stiffened up
It's a side effect of the new meds I'm on
Erin wrote: "I just had a few moments when my neck stiffened up"It wasn't just my neck but my neck was the worst
I wish that pills were enough to fix me
It's hard to get better when someone dies and suddenly you remember that we're all going to eventually and why does it matter if it's now or later on
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
