trying to feel like me again Showing 12,051-12,100 of 14,783

[Erin]

We went there and there was a guy living there that didn't know we were coming so he apparently tried calling the guy we'd been talking to and that guy didn't answer the phone so we literally had to walk all the way to my sister's boyfriend's work in order to call my sister and get her to order us an Uber home

[Erin]

Yeah it was just really intense and super stupid

[Erin]

and spoiler alert we're not getting that place

[Erin]

We're not even going to try looking at it again

[Erin]

I mean they were super unprofessional

[Erin]

and ugh

[Erin]

I'm getting annoyed all over again

[Erin]

I ended up staying the night at my sister's last night and I'm still here and I'm not sure when I'm leaving

[Erin]

I don't want to go home

[Erin]

So I went home

[Erin]

despite not wanting to

[Erin]

The first thing that happened was my mom yelled at me

[Erin]

The next thing that happened was I threw up

[Erin]

I fucking hate this place

[Erin]

Hi

[Erin]

I just had therapy for the first time in two weeks

[Erin]

and I never say what I want to say

[Erin]

my mind goes blank

[Erin]

I close up

[Erin]

I shut down

[Erin]

I don't know

[Erin]

I feel sick

[Erin]

I've been feeling this way for days and it keeps getting worse

[Erin]

I'm constantly getting worse

[Erin]

I feel like a fraud

[Erin]

You wanna know what my mom said to me yesterday?

[Erin]

trigger warning (view spoiler)[ She said, "you look like you want to slit your wrists" (hide spoiler)]

[Erin]

I didn't even say anything remotely like that

[Erin]

she doesn't know what's going on inside my head and I can't tell her because she does stupid crap like this

[Erin]

who the hell says that to someone

[Erin]

I feel so fucking depressed and angry all the fucking time and it's because I don't feel excited at all when it comes to the future, something I planned and planned and planned for since I was a child and I don't feel anything when it comes to my future because I never thought I'd have one

[Erin]

planning my future is something I did in order to stay alive

[Erin]

I did it when my mother was screaming

[Erin]

I did it when her boyfriends were around

[Erin]

I did it when she made me feel like crap

[Erin]

I kept telling myself I'd get away from her eventually

[Erin]

she treats her kids like crap and then wonders why none of us want to stick around

[Erin]

I wanted to leave before I ended up hating her

[Erin]

but honestly I think its too late

[Erin]

she makes me feel guilty for being alive

[Erin]

and I had no control over being born

[Erin]

and she makes me feel guilty for wanting to die

[Erin]

when she's the one who encouraged these fucking thoughts

[Erin]

I think I deserve to die

[Erin]

I don't belong here

[Erin]

I feel too much or I feel nothing at all

[Erin]

Everything is an extreme with me

[Erin]

I can never just calm down

[Erin]

Everything is so fucking loud

[Erin]

I'm just so tired of being too aware of all these noises and sights and stupid