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trying to feel like me again
message 11951:
by
Erin
(new)
Dec 15, 2021 07:49PM
She ruined so much
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and I hate that I still love the story when it could've been better
but honestly I'm just pissed at myself for not recognizing what she and her books lacked
I'm going to write good books and I'm going to include inclusion because that's the kind of world we live in and that's the kind of world we should be writing/reading about
I wanna cry and scream and I really want to self-harm right now so I need a distraction and to think about something, anything else
which means I only have one class left before graduate
for wanting to spend this Christmas with my family?
It could be our last one for awhile if I decide I don't want to come back
How the possibility of me never coming back is a lot bigger than they'd suspect
Emotional abuse isn’t really talked about as much as it should be. Maybe that’s why I didn’t recognize what was going on for as long as it had. I was naive. I had the better end of it as long as I kept my mouth shut, which I did for the majority of the time.
my mom blamed me and my siblings for her failed relationships
she didn't realize that we were some of her failed relationships
growing up and watching her has been terrible
It's caused me trauma I didn't know I had
I flinch when anybody talks to me out of the blue or when there's even the slightest noise
I can't do anything without feeling guilty
she's doing the same old things just with new excuses
and I keep hearing her voice in my head
repeating things she never should have said
I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like my mind is constantly elsewhere. I feel lost. I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going and it’s like I have all these options but none of them feel right to me. Everyone keeps congratulating me and I feel nothing. I got into three colleges so far and I just don’t know.
I never talked to my sister about the thing I needed to talk to her about. I’m still avoiding it. Mostly because I’m pretty sure I’ve already made up my mind about not wanting to live with her. She can do whatever she wants, but I have to do what’s right for me and I’ll be putting myself in a position where I’ll have to pay all the bills and work constantly to be able to do more than that plus going to college, it’s not something I want to do. Plus, I need a break from people. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitating on this college thing so much because then I’ll be surrounded by people.
I just keep getting this feeling that I want to take off and be away from my family and everybody else. I know you wanted me to have this great big support system, but under them I don’t feel supported, I feel like I’m suffocating. I thought that maybe it’d be different with my sister who’s my best friend but no, not even her, it’s like my anxiety is getting worse around them.
And I know it’s like don’t let your anxiety make all your decisions and stop you from doing what you gotta do, but I’m not. I’m still planning on going to college. I just don’t know where or when
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
