trying to feel like me again Showing 11,751-11,800 of 14,783

[Erin]

that's what this is

[Erin]

I recognize that

[Erin]

but I have to stay in control

[Erin]

I'll be honest

[Erin]

I haven't been taking my medication correctly

[Erin]

I never wanted to be on medication in the first place

[Erin]

I let them put me on it though so that's my fault

[Erin]

a lot of things are my fault

[Erin]

I screw up quite a lot

[Erin]

I'm human, it's what I do

[Erin]

I feel sick

[Erin]

and hot

[Erin]

and I hate this house

[Erin]

I feel trapped

[Erin]

or like the walls are caving in

[Erin]

or like I'm caving in on myself

[Erin]

or like I'm falling

[Erin]

my brother is weird

[Erin]

sometimes it's like he likes being sad

[Erin]

he plays all this sad music

[Erin]

says "I'll make us feel better by reminiscing our childhood"

[Erin]

like what

[Erin]

don't get me wrong, I love sad music

[Erin]

it stopped letting me type last night

[Erin]

that hadn't happened in awhile

[Erin]

I missed school again today

[Erin]

I don't know why I keep doing this

[Erin]

I hate eating

[Erin]

it's one of the hardest things to do

[Erin]

I wish I didn't have to eat

[Erin]

I wish humans didn't need food

[Erin]

it makes me feel sick

[Erin]

I have medication that's supposed to make me feel hungry

[Erin]

but I don't take it because I don't want to feel hungry

[Erin]

you know my body is so used to not having enough food that it's shrunken

[Erin]

it doesn't need much

[Erin]

I never feel hungry

[Erin]

I just eat because I know we have to

[Erin]

It's like I know we're not starving anymore

[Erin]

we have enough money for food now

[Erin]

I have a job to support us in case things go wrong

[Erin]

and maybe that's why I'm scared

[Erin]

I'm leaving this job

[Erin]

with no new job in mind

[Erin]

I should be scared

[Erin]

I'm being reckless

[Erin]

and stupid

[Erin]

holidays give me anxiety

[Erin]

this school liaison lady that I've been talking to came and brought me a bunch of gifts from a church

[Erin]

I wonder if they'd give me gifts if they knew I wasn't religious