it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 1101:
by
Erin
(new)
Feb 03, 2018 01:27PM
Why now?
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The decision hasn't even been made yet.
More like a year and a few months, maybe less, maybe more
Feels like I've forgotten how to count
If we stop being friends, than that's what was supposed to happen. I should remind myself that.
Sometinrs i say that I don't want to fall in love with anyone, that I don't want love because I'll never have time for it, but now that I'm honestly thinking about it I think that I'm lying. I'm just afraid of love because what person who lives in my family wouldn't be afraid of falling in love? Honestly? With a mother whose chosen relationship after relationship before her kids? With sisters who've gotten in bad relationships and where one is always drinking instead of taking care of her kids? What kind of person would I be to not fear love? It's better to say you'll never ever want to fall in love than it is to think about what happens if you do. That's the way my mind works.
My mind wants a future, I want a future, and so I'd rather push love out of the equation of my life because I don't see it being worth it.
Yeah, and true true. But my mom always said I didn't have common sense. And haha I hope not, I'm very bad at giving people chances due to my perfectionism. (Well, if they were, my dog probably scared them away with her growling. For real though she was just growling at the window for so long XD I think it's the church people but maybe not.) And that's you. You probably actually deserve love and happiness and strength while I'm pretty sure I don't.
If I don't work hard enough for something, than I won't get it.
Oh Gods I'm depressing. I need to love myself.
Long-term Goals:1.) Love Myself
2.) Be happy.
3.) Be strong.
Erin wrote: "Haha that is weird! I wish some of my teachers could tell that about me, the only one that's close is my English. I think she was talking about me when she said that she thought that there was only..."This was my English! Lol, mine targets certain people and not others. I used to be one of the more conventional ones but after an essay I wrote proved a standout among the class (don't ask me how) I'm in the former category much more! That one in particular was a bit of a shocker.
I'm ridiculous; I spent the whole day writing a poem and even though it's like 600 words and not that good, I feel as though I've written 10 pages!
Haha it's okay, I also think about the far future. But I think it's a good sign that I'm focusing more on my future within the school. Basically means I don't want to get out of there and go somewhere else, as I did initially.
Thanks, even if I'm struggling to believe it I'll still show some gratitude because that'll probably make my future self happy or something. :D
Alia wrote: "Erin wrote: "Haha that is weird! I wish some of my teachers could tell that about me, the only one that's close is my English. I think she was talking about me when she said that she thought that t..."Yay English is the best! (Not like I'm biased or anything. Shh don't tell the math teachers XD) Ah, it's probably because of how much your writing continues to improve! I feel like I write terrible essays. I'm reading a book of essays right now and they're pretty much all on ways to improve your life because the book us about making the most of your life, and I'm hoping that it somehow helps me improve my essay writing skills while informing me.
Omg that was literally how I felt after a short piece I was writing earlier. It felt like I had written so much and then it ended up being nothing like i thought it was.
Yeah, that is a good sign. Where you initially were I am now, it seems. All I can think of is leaving this place. I mean I love my teachers and my friends but I don't love the school or my home, and I just want to, idk move on? I feel like with where I am now all I can feel is stuck, and if I keep thinking about how I'm here, I might just remain stuck.
Why haven't they realized that this isn't love? That with everything they are and will ever be again love isn't their calling?
They can lie and say that they're happy but they're not.
They fight so much and I can't take it
I wish they'd realize it hurts other people too
I'm tired of listening but it hurts to dig at my head and I can't sleep
I've heard my mom say for him to stop touching her face or fir him to let go of her face before
He could totally still be doing drugs is what it sounds like she said in her other fight with him earlier today
Ahhh this is why I want to leave because even on days I want to live they make it where I want to die
Can I ever be happy? I had just finished a piece of writing and then they began their shit before I could even celebrate finishing it
Maybe I was right. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy.
Lillian wrote: "*hugs Erin* I'm sorry."*Hugs back* It'll be fine one day.
Sterling just laid next to me though :) Feeling blessed XD
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Maybe I was right. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy."Yes, you do Erin."
Maybe.
Cats are good to make you happy. Even when their the distant kind like Mr. Ster Ster. Remember that people.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Ahh memes"I love memes."
Me too.
Erin wrote: "Maybe I was right. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy."Yes you do
Goals for tomorrow:~Complete All Homework.
~Answer all roleplays (not just the HP ones because you're being unfair).
~Respond to messages that you should have done forever ago and any other message that you should have done forever ago.
~Work on Musical.
~Write Other Stuff.
~Update Character sheets like you should have done forever ago, if time. No rush. Kinda.
~Have a good day.
❄️Aℓєχ тнє Ʋαмριяє❄️ ~They/Them~ (Ɓνвαяму) (Aelonian) (AA family) wrote: "Erin wrote: "Maybe I was right. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy."Yes you do"
Maybe.
❄️Aℓєχ тнє Ʋαмριяє❄️ ~They/Them~ (Ɓνвαяму) (Aelonian) (AA family) wrote: "*hugs*"*Hugs back*
Anyways imma go attempt
"Getting information and a way to bad talk the faculty seems to be a big goal in the life of an interviewer"I love making meself sometimes because sometimes I say stupid things like ^^ and I die so hard because I find it funny.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
