it's personal discussion
My head hurts
tell me what I didtell me what I did wrong
tell me what I did
tell me what I did wrong
all I did was ask for my mother to love me,
for my mother to want me
was that too much
if it was too much
why did you even keep us
they were already knocking at your door
why didn't you just let them take us
like the others before
if we were too much
if you didn't want us
then why keep us
why pretend to love us
a lonely woman wanted to get awayshe was desperate and so a fool she became
she ran away into a life in which she only had herself to blame
and she made all the wrong mistakes
loved a man with a mind that wasn't there
Sfuxjg
I don't like the fact that I'm starting to hate her
she's not someone I wanted to grow to hate
I don't like feeling angry all the time but she makes me angry
I shouldn't feel this fucking broken but I do
Hi, I disappeared for a bit but I'm back now
Ramblings from my hectic mind~
To be honest, I haven’t felt like myself in a very long time and so when you ask me who I am and what I represent I don’t know how to answer. I’ve been trying and trying and grasping at straws of this girl I think I should become but I’m not her. She’s too cool and unflawed and way too out of reach. When you ask me who I wanna be, I’ll still say I wanna be her- the girl who has it all together, who smiles and laughs when she wants to, who can sing in front of her friends without feeling too embarrassed to engage in conversation.
I recently discovered that I don’t know who I am. I haven’t the slightest clue actually and that terrifies me. How’s that for an adventure? The girl who everyone thought had her shit together falls apart right before them and nobody is able to stop her from jumping and nobody is there to catch her. All because she had good grades. You can’t be mentally ill if you have good grades, that’s the way they made it sound, but my grades had been met with obsession and long nights and just so much effort to try to prepare myself for a future I’ve never even wanted. Because how can someone like me possibly want a future? Why should I even dare to dream of having one?
I keep having really bad panic attacks lately
My therapist thinks I should quit my job
I think that I think so too but I don't want to
I know I need to but I don't want to, you know?
Um also my depression has been really bad
like possibly the worst it's ever been
and I've been hospitalized five different times so for now to be the worst that's saying something
I promised my sister I wouldn't go back to the hospital though so I won't
I don't tell my therapist how bad it is
I just rate the number on a scale. Lately, I've been a 3 which is low for me.
why do I want to sleep and cry and just hold my breath until I pass out or die whichever happens first
Lillian wrote: "*hugs*"*hugs back* Thanks, and sorry I didn't see this last time!
if I was a ghostwould you still love me the most
Erin wrote: "if I was a ghostwould you still love me the most"
that line is still stuck in my head
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
