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trying to feel like me again
message 10901:
by
Erin
(new)
Jul 06, 2021 11:51AM
Everybody keeps leaving
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so I push the ones that stay away thinking its inevitable that they'll leave too
and of them asking me to keep living but then treating me like shit or saying things that hurt me that should be obvious that it hurts me but for some reason they don't see it
#1:I think she was my soulmate but I don't think I was hers.
#2: My mom's emotional abuse is wearing me down.
#3:I've been in the hospital 5 times now for mental health.
#4: I work at a fast food joint. I hate it and I love it at the same time. I'm on a long vacation right now.
#5:I'm staying with my sister and her boyfriend right now for the rest of this month.
#6:I still think I'm better off dead, but I'm unable to kill myself.
#8:I want to stay on it, so that overdosing is always an option.
#9:I think I have an eating disorder but the thought of having another problem scares me so I don't talk about it. I like the feeling of starving myself and I don't feel hungry very much. Everything I eat makes me feel sick. I want to throw up but my perfectionist mind won't let me degrade myself any further than I already have.
#10:I've lost count of how many times I've tried to kill myself, but there's been a lot. More than I've told the doctors. More than I've told my therapist.
I mean I know like everybody disappeared and I had a breakdown and deleted everybody because that's what I do when it feels like everybody's already so far away
I am this eighteen year old with more than just love for people who fucking deserted her or abused her or sent her to hospitals when they couldn't control her
I am more than sad songs and love for a girl who left the minute I told her and I can keep wasting my time making excuses for her and saying how maybe it's not my fault she left but it was and that's okay. I am more than my heartbreak. I am more than who I give my entire universes to. I am more than my poetry. I am more than the conversations we had.
I was whole before and I will be whole again.
And even if that's not true, even if I've always been a little bit cracked, a little bit chipped, I'll be okay.
I am more than what others have put me through.
I don't have to be a victim to my mother's abuse anymore, even when I go back to living with her.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
