it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
those were drafts I found in my school email XD
I decided that for now on spoilers for me are probably going to be like trigger warning just because I'm a bit of a depressed asshole who needs to watch herself
not that everything I put in spoilers is super bad or anything but I just don't want to be ruining somebody's day by being negative but also sometimes I just need to befwhi v3jvbw 'that's my "word" for it
Lillian wrote: "Um, would you like a hug? :)"no but yes :D
guys next time I fall in love say "erin no" because honestly I fall too hard and I can't
I like how I've only been in love once and that barely counted as love lmao
Lillian wrote: "Is that a request for an awkward side hug then? XD"always XD you know me so well lmao
no but like irl I hate hugs because i don't know it freaks me out but like I've only liked a hug once and it was an akwardish side hug while I was crying in a mental hospital lmao from one of the other patients (which you know is like illegal in mental hospitals but shh we never told anyone XD)
awee but she was soo sweet though, I miss her :'(
okay but I read this thing the other day about how it makes sense that you fall in love with your friends and that just made everything make sense to me and I know it's like what's been happening with Alex but ahhh it just made me understand way more
I don't remember where I read it though
I seriously think I just fall in love with people and mistake it for romantic love when it's really just platonic and I'm upset because I've lost people over that
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Is that a request for an awkward side hug then? XD"always XD you know me so well lmao"
*awkwardly gives you a side hug*Ok. XD Request fulfilled. XD"
yay!!!!! :D
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "no but like irl I hate hugs because i don't know it freaks me out but like I've only liked a hug once and it was an akwardish side hug while I was crying in a mental hospital lmao from..."oh yeah, you're not supposed to touch or even be super close to another patient in case it triggers them or somebody around them
"oh what a rainy ending given to a perfect day"
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "no but like irl I hate hugs because i don't know it freaks me out but like I've only liked a hug once and it was an akwardish side hug while I was crying i..."yeah people got in trouble a lot for breaking that rule though because they'd high five each other which seemed funny at first but became less funny when you realized it triggered you/somebody else
with covid, it made even more sense but I just like to reflect on how it was a rule even before that
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "and now a poem"This has the same feeling as 'we interrupt this broadcast' XD"
hahahhaha omg I had to say it in that voice that they use and omg you're right XD
no yes maybe probably not idksomewhere familiar somewhere strange somewhere that's nowhere and somewhere that's everywhere
and JK Rowling because she ruined reading for me
and took away the only place that felt like home
and who was the whole reason I stayed in a group that was full of underlining homophobia from the very roots but I stayed because I need something stable
leave it to me to let the stable thing make me hate myself
I fucking hate people who use religion to justify their hate
I hate whatever god(s) or thing(s) might be up there
I considered that place to be my family, they are just as unstable as my family
I kept my mouth shut to protect her fucking feelings
to be able to stay in a group because I knew not all of them were like her
but that group made me hate myself more
even if she said she didn't hate me or that she wasn't against lgbt
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
My mental health got really bad again. I got really bad again. And then I got in this state that's like this good version of bad that made me think hey I can do this, hey I can get everything done, I can do anything and I can heal after everything I've done to myself, and after everything I've been through and I just start doing a bunch of shit and not sleeping and I feel like that means I'm happy, like I can only be happy when I'm productive. But you know, I was wrong. I can't do anything. I'm incapable of being productive and of getting things done. I can't even tell what's real and if these weird things I see and hear are real, and I don't want to ask because I'm so afraid that others won't see and that I'll be labeled as crazy. I don't want to be crazy. but I can't say any of this because then you'll think I'm crazy too so I just pretend but I feel so alone (hide spoiler)]