trying to feel like me again Showing 10,551-10,600 of 14,783

[Erin]

it'll be like uhh what's it called when you throw things and try to catch them in a circular motion

[Erin]

oh

[Erin]

it'll be like juggling

[Erin]

but like at the same time they're all going to land in your hands

[Erin]

too bad they hid all the knives from me lmao

[Erin]

not that they did a good job

[Erin]

because i know where one is and I know where scissors are

[Erin]

awe look at me not acting impulsively and talking about it on the internet

[Erin]

so much progress XD

[Erin]

I'm never going to be president now lmao

[Erin]

Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "still thinking about committing suicide or homicide or maybe even try some genocide"

No"

yesssss. come on, it'll be fun"

We..."

well I wasn't asking permission but I get that you don't want to join. I'd rather you stay alive anyways

[Erin]

I hate this

[Erin]

I hate me

[Erin]

this is making me so sick

[Erin]

why am I doing this

[Erin]

why am i here

[Erin]

why can't i just be patient

[Erin]

or lie and say I do things that I don't do and then I can starve myself

[Erin]

I could die through starvation, dehydration

[Erin]

why can't I choose a long and difficult path

[Erin]

why would I rather do something quick

[Erin]

when I deserve pain and worse

[Erin]

if i kill myself, maybe my mom will finally wake up

[Erin]

and realize how much crap she's put us through

[Erin]

that the bad men she has and keeps choosing and her fear of abandonment aren't our problem

[Erin]

that we don't let our daddy issues and mommy issues control us the way she lets them control her

[Erin]

I want her to suffer

[Erin]

I want her to feel something

[Erin]

to really feel something

[Erin]

I want her to mean it when she says the word love

[Erin]

I want her to take care of herself

[Erin]

I want her to stop screwing herself over

[Erin]

but I'm tired of fighting

[Erin]

I'm tired of trying to get her to understand

[Erin]

I'm tired of caring

[Erin]

I'm tired of sacrificing everything for everyone I care about

[Erin]

I'm tired of loving people who make me feel like shit

I just want to be able to breathe without hating myself for it. It's so exhausting just trying to learn how to breathe when you've been giving your oxygen to everyone around you in fear that they'd run out but it turns out I'm the one who ran out.

I'm tired.

I'm done.

I'm sorry.

Love ya guys.

[Erin]

so I just officially deleted pretty much everybody and after tonight I'm probably going to go on a very long hiatus because this isn't good for me, me saying shit like this and saying everything and being super negative and toxic isn't good. I need a break from the internet

[Erin]

I feel like crap

[Erin]

and I'm tired

[Erin]

and I don't know when or if I'm coming back

[Erin]

but don't worry, I'll be fine :)

[Erin]

welp

[Erin]

I tried XD

[Erin]

my addiction is too strong now lmao

[Erin]

that and I'm too sad to do anything else

[Erin]

goodreads at least makes me feel productive

[Erin]

which is as close to happy as I can get XD

[Erin]

currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7yg0...

[Erin]

a rant of sorts lmao (view spoiler)[

1.) When we first moved to this school and when I first met you, my mom told you I had anxiety because she wanted the school to be able to help me to the best of their abilities. You literally told my mom that all the kids had anxiety. No, they don't. Not the disorder. Not the depression that follows it because you end up hating yourself for being the way you are, so you stress yourself over getting straight A's to the point you don't eat or sleep because you need everything to be perfect and then one day you oversleep, you overeat, you stay in bed all day, you don't brush your hair or teeth or take a shower, you just sit there and you don't know who you are. You eventually get out of bed and do the same things you've always done over and over again, but you don't feel anything. You have no passion for it. You don't give a shit whether you live or die, or exist. In fact, most days you wish you didn't. Then finally you have enough of it all, you decide you can't keep doing this, you can't keep living and fighting and moving on like everything is okay when you don't even know what the word means. Tell me, Mr. Day, do you know what the word okay means? Google defines it as "satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good" but okay to me means you're alive and breathing but you're not happy nor sad nor numb, you're just there and that's it. I am a student and a writer who loves words, so tell me, how can my definition of okay be different than everybody else's? You see, Mr. Day, that's how anxiety works. Not everybody has it, the way you said they do, and everybody who does has it on different levels in different extremes and amounts. 

2.) You told my mom that I basically had a 504 because my teachers were to be giving me extra time to get assignments in, but basically really isn't enough. I had a panic attack the day of the ACT, not because of the test, but because of the students being all over the place in the hallway. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I couldn't catch my breath for the longest time and everything felt like it was spinning and blurry and out of control. I don't even remember taking the test because from the moment I walked into the gym, everything faded away, I know I was there. I know I took the test. I also know that I didn't manage to finish a single one. All I could focus on was everything but the test. The sounds of all the other students and the staff that was in there breathing, the clicking of the fingers on the keyboards. If I had really had a 504, I wouldn't have had to go into that room, feeling like I was suffocating that entire time. I know that you give us more than that one free attempt but you don't understand and I feel like you keep trying to pretend like you do, but you don't and you never will. I don't wish what I'm going through on anyone, but you really need to be more educated. You need to educate yourselves better before another student comes to you and you repeat the same cycle you did with me as I'm sure you've done with other students. I got failed in kindergarten for having anxiety, so I know it's not all your fault. It's not a single person's fault, but still, progress needs to be made. (hide spoiler)]