it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
Erin wrote: "Just wanted to share some random thoughts:Sometimes I still have thoughts of ending my life- despite all the therapy I’ve had, despite the hospital trips and the coping skills, despite every inch..."
So I thought I wanted to fight back. Guess I lied to myself. Again.
Because honestly I kinda just want to kill myself and not because I'm tired of living but because my self-hatred has rekindle at an almighty high
and it's better if I die before I hurt someone
before I end up like a serial killer or like my father
guys I had all these plans I kept making
that I'd eventually stop wanting to die
I told myself I wouldn't kill myself until I read every book on my tbr list which is impossible but that was the point because as long as books keep being created my list will grow
which means I'd have to kill a lot of writers
I've managed to calm down since this morning and I'm not going to kill myself or even allow myself to think of a plan.
Erin wrote: "I'll delete all of this later"I won't delete this. Because I made the point of this journal about my self-love journey and it's important to note that it's never easy, that there's slip ups and that things hurt and that sometimes you're not 100% on the right path
It's okay to screw up when you're trying to get back on track. As long as you learn from it.
I should tell you guys that I'm off my medication right now which is never an okay thing to stop taking so suddenly
and sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts
and sometimes my thoughts linger on self-harm or on not eating anything or on my weight or on all of my imperfections
but all of that's okay because I recognize the fact that it isn't okay and that I'm not in an okay place and that it's gonna take some time before I am in an okay place
I haven't shared everything that's been going on with me because I'm hardly on here anymore so I thought I'd take some time and do a little summary
Actually I'll have to save that for another time- sorry folks who give a damn, I gotta run!
Sorry aboutl ast time, something ended up coming up but I can't remember what happened or why I got distracted so whoops lol
I'm still in school but my class ended early so I have a little bit of time before my next class starts
Honestly though I don't really know what to say anymore
Erin wrote: "so I'll start at the very beginning"I wanna write all of that out in detail but I'll have to save that for when I actually have more time
I slept last night and the night before that so I guess that's a good sign
I didn't go to school yesterday though. Like I literally just couldn't force myself out of bed because of how crappy I was feeling. Guess that's what happens when you don't sleep for a couple days and then you take medicines that makes you tired
I did force myself to go to work because I didn't want to feel like a complete lazy bum
The only reason I want a fake ID is so that I could vote lol
So I'm trying to decide what to be for Halloween
I'm thinking of being like multiple things lmao
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsJAw...