it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 8701:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 09, 2020 10:44AM
I'm still tired lol
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I feel like a bunch of people just friended me lol
I'm so confused but happy at the same time
I don't know how they found me but ahhhh :)
I'M LIKE REALLY REALLY REALLY EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW
AND HEY 2020 MIGHT LIKE BEING FUCKING TERRIBLE AND STUFF BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S THE APOCALYPSE OR ANYTHING, RIGHT
I'm back in school and we're doing it all online and remotely
I had something that I just really wanted to talk about on here and it's like I barely come on here anymore but I still miss it and I still remember what it felt like to be a part of this community and stuff
So today I wanted to talk about lgbt+ and the shame that sometimes follows person as their in that community
Now I'm really lucky to have been born in these more recent times and not back then when there was a lot more hate than there is now
I mean now we have a month to celebrate, and parades and festivals and songs and books and let's not forget WE CAN GET FREAKING MARRIED
I've never felt ashamed of myself before. Or at least I didn't think I did. I thought I've always been pretty open.
However, there's been some things going on in my real life recently that's made me question that
A conversation I had with my mom, and then re-encountered to my therapist who I then realized didn't know I was gay
She isn't new or anything, but I guess I just never told her
The thing about being a part of the lgbt+ community is that there's always going to be this little part of you who wants to keep it a secret- this voice you're constantly having to fight- because a part of you, even if you're not ashamed, is always going to be scared that it might not be safe to talk about
because you can get bullied, or attacked, or sometimes even killed
but a part of some people- or at least me- thought that times were different now. That we could just be who we are and not have to be afraid because we have gained so much support in recent times
There's a conversation that I've been putting off for awhile now with a good friend of mine and someone I really care about because I know she's not open to lgbt+ because it's "against her religion" and it's like she's super kind and stuff but was using that as a defense to not talk to her when I would tell complete strangers off and that's just not okay
So I made a decision to talk to her about it but then she was going through a lot with her health and so I just kept making excuses for her with the most recent one being that it's not my job to teach her that I deserve to be able to love whoever I want t because her family and her friends that know her better should be the ones who are teaching her that and I could lose her if I say anything
But then it's like if I can't be myself, then did I really ever have her as a friend? Is she evn a good person if she didn't hear me out and she made me feel ashamed?
She is a good person, but even good people can be wrong.
I kept telling myself I shouldn't say anything because if I did it's like I'm being the bad guy and not understanding and that I'm the one who is causing pain to someone I care about and that no matter what the reason couldn't be an okay thing to do
I feel like I am torn between loving myself and hurting someone else
and why should I hurt someone just to gain some self-worth
Anyways, I'll continue this conversation with you guys later. I have to get to class now.
AHHH THAT WAS LIKE SO MUCH ANXIETY AND ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS INTRODUCE OURSELVES LMAO
Anyways, my next class is study hall so I got a bit of time to chat :D
actually I might just come back later bc I'm feeling kinda sick and I got homework
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase and Alex Fierro are the best~ wrote: "ERIN"ALEX
I MISS YOU TOO *hugs* i haven't been on here too much lately i'm sorry
*hugs back* It's okay, I haven't really been on here lately either. Although I keep trying to be on here more
same, i've been more active on twitter
Ahhh that's another thing i need to get back on!!!
Just wanted to share some random thoughts:Sometimes I still have thoughts of ending my life- despite all the therapy I’ve had, despite the hospital trips and the coping skills, despite every inch of progress I’ve made- sometimes I still want to die. It’s something that I’m always going to hate about myself and it’s something I’m probably going to battle for a very long time, but the difference between the past me and the current me is now I want to fight back. I know it’s not a hopeless situation. I know that the amount of effort and work I put into this does mean something and that it does make things better, and that’s why I’m not going to kill myself, no matter how many times the thought occurs to me, no matter how many breakdowns I have. Because I will come back fighting harder than ever, becoming stronger than ever and I refuse to give up because I want to learn to love myself and to love life so confidently that one day I won’t be afraid of my own mind.
YOOOOOOOOOOOOLISTEN TO THESE SONGS IN THIS ORDER
AHHHH THEY"RE AMAZING
1.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhZIi...
2.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_aXs...
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
