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trying to feel like me again
message 8651:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 03, 2020 08:30PM
Why did people actually join and support me
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I keep wanting to laugh every time I think of it
So yesterday my sister asked me for advice about her relationship. Me, a seemingly hopeless romantic whose never been in a romantic relationship and who has lost every person she's dared to dream of loving romantically. It was weird. But the thing that was weirder was I found myself responding in a way that was actually full of good advice and that left me confounded, wondering who was this person that was sitting in my place. I couldn't recognize myself as someone who gave good advice because I was so used to be the one who needed the advice.
She asked me if I thought she was holding her boyfriend back. Immediately, my sister instincts kicked in and made me say no, so loudly, so clearly, so confidently that I'm sure it had scared both of us. But then I took a moment to think and again I told her no.
Now let me give you some background: this was after the creek incident in which she landed in the hospital. Her heart and chest issues were getting out of control, despite the medications they've put on her. Her lungs seem like they're collapsing more and more every day. And this isn't the first hospital scare she's been through, that we've been through.
She had asked me earlier that day to go with her and I had told her no because I wasn't feeling well. My sister is a social butterfly, so her health issues will never get in her way. But for me? I use my health issues as an excuse for why I haven't talked to friends for months.
I regret not going. I should have been there for her, with her. Maybe I could have done something. Reminded her to take her water bottle, her inhaler- something that would have made her feel safe. Maybe I could have prevented it. Maybe I could have helped her.
Enough with the background. Back to our conversation.
I told her she wasn't holding him back, that that was a wakeup call that he needed because talking about health issues and actually seeing them in person, hearing them take her away in an ambulance- it's different. It's really different. I had just experienced it myself maybe a month or two before. I don't know. I told her that he was faced with a choice, on whether he was willing to handle her- all of her- health issues and all.
And that that can be really hard because it's not about whether he cares about your or not, it's about if he's emotionally and mentally stable enough to do it
It's like with mental health. Not every can be okay with it. Sometimes its too hard, even for people who love you
Sometimes they just gotta put themselves first
and yeah that sucks but sometimes people staying when they can't handle it
well, it'll create a toxic environment and just make everything worse
but I think I'm pretty good at being me
We need to show we care, not just say it
I might go to bed soon or I might never sleep again
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
