it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 8351:
by
kavi ~he-him~
(new)
Oct 07, 2019 01:48PM
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I wrote this really long-ass post to post here and now I'm questioning whether I should actually post it I haven't finished it yet but I'm feeling meh so
There's something I really need to talk about and I've wanted to talk about it for a while but I wasn't sure where exactly the appropriate place to post something like this is and I was debating for a while whether I wanted to talk to a certain person about these feelings directly or whether I should just keep them to myself and after a long time of having these thoughts and having some conversations with some good friends and just doing a lot of overthinking here I am. And maybe what made me want to actually post this today was reading the thing that I read because I think it just added more to the confliction. I don't know. Anyways I'm just going to continue.
I feel like I am a very understanding person for the most part and that I try hard to understand everyone's point of views, no matter whether I disagree or not because I don't want to be opinionated or biased or to make somebody else feel completely wrong, even if they are because sometimes I feel like it's my job to be nice and empathetic all the time as if that's the only way to take care of people. Logically, I know that isn't true but you know me and my crazy mindsets and world domination and whatnot. I mean, whaaaat I didn't say anything about world domination you must be outta your mind, seeing things, hearing things- you know the usual insanity that I am.
Anyways, I might actually get to the point some time today.
There's this one thing I can't understand from an empathetic view and that I hate looking at through a logical point of view because it just makes me feel really crappy and confused and sometimes I just wish I could scream into all of these people's mind as if I could somehow wake them up and make them see things the way I see them: clear and full of love, not hate. And if you haven't already guessed where this is going here it is: I don't understand hate. Like I know logically there is prejudice and stigma and what society thinks as a whole vs what society thinks as an individual and I know that there are reasons like "religion" and other things, but still. I don't understand how people can just hate people for being alive. There is no logical reasoning and there isn't any amount of empathy that I could feel or see that would get me to understand those people's thoughts. I just don't understand hate.
Now the post I read wasn't negative. It was actually positive and had a sweet message and was about forgiveness. Forgiveness! Of all things, it was about forgiveness.
Today in Drama Club there was this girl who was talking about why she didn't stand when the Pledge of Allegiance came on and what she said was beautiful and so accurate that it was scary and painful in the way that beautiful truthful things can be. She said,
"I am a black queer woman in America, and there isn't a place for me." What she meant is, "From all angles, I am attacked for being me." What she meant is, "Your America isn't My America." She talked about how young the United States was compared to a lot of other countries and about how there has been a lot of progress, but she also talked about how progress in the standards of humanity is still just a multitude of shades of grey. How progress is slow in terms of saving lives and of letting children get raised with discrimination just because of the color of their skin and about how children get shoved racism down their throats and homophobia down their throats by their family who hasn't learned to love the world.
You're not allowed to teach about how love is love in the classroom because it's "inappropriate".
Why should love be deemed as inappropriate?
Again the post that made me want to write this really stupid ranty emotional bitch of a post isn't someone who is homophobic to say well at least not by normal terms Idk guys I'm still conflicted on that part but the post was about like I said before forgiveness and it was a really sweet but also weird post because it talked about forgiveness of wrongs you've done to people
and I can't help but feel like this person wronged me in a way?
like they make me happy and I care about them and it's not like they hate me for being gay but they just don't believe in it and ugh I just don't know. They believe relationships should be a man and a woman. Does that make them homophobic? I don't think so but it also feels like a trap- like they're some kind of trick question in human form and I really don't know what to do
They don't want lgbtq+ characters in their group but they say it's okay for lgbtq+ people to be in their group. Originally I signed the rules saying I agreed with them but I just deleted my post because I realized I didn't have to sign them to be a part of the group
This ISN'T in any way a hate post on the person or on the group but I just needed to write this out somewhere it's a little rant
feel free to ignore me lol that's probably for the best
this [post was not what I really expected it to be or really what I wanted it to be but this is it I guess
to those who read until the end- why how jk I love ya's
a void that is constantly closing in on me
i want you to take care of your fucking self for once
for once i want you to wake up feeling beautiful
for once i want you to wake up okay with your body
i just want to know that you were able to get out of bed and go to the bathroom
splash some water on your face until you are in a better place
I want you to open your eyes before walking headfirst through a crowd of people you know you hate
my sleep meds are really kicking in damn
i gtg the light from my screen is making my migraine worse
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
