it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 8051:
by
Erin
(new)
Jul 23, 2019 05:58PM
You've got it going on
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So darling, yes it's true, yes I love you
Valentine H. Ransome #bernie2020 ~Phantom of the Library~ ~Mr. Flirt~ ~FREAK~ ~Little Miss Political Agenda~ ~Sunshine~ wrote: "*hugs*"*hugs back* HIIIIIII
Valentine H. Ransome #bernie2020 ~Phantom of the Library~ ~Mr. Flirt~ ~FREAK~ ~Little Miss Political Agenda~ ~Sunshine~ wrote: "Hey! You're writing is cute lol. How have you been???"
Hi!! Thanks haha
I've been okayish, how have you been????
(Sorry it took me forever to respond!)
I was told that I'm starting to look more like my dad now that I'm wearing makeup and I've already been told that without makeup so I just can't win
I'm so fucking tired of everyone, including myself.
omg I was just about to make a comment saying I only needed one more until 150
uh... hi 150 and welcome to the weirdness and obnoxiousnes that is me
To celebrate me getting to 150, I think it's time for me to go back to my long posts full of stories and uh words and a whole lot of honesty that y'all don't really need
Okay.I have always had this huge relationship with honesty that I can't really explain to you. It's just a really big deal for me and with me. And maybe that's just because I feel like I have been lied to my entire life but the reason behind it doesn't really matter. All that does is the fact that it's there. That being said, I am not always honest. I have told lies and I have my share of fuck ups, but that doesn't mean honesty is any less important to me.
Anyways, I feel like y'all know that I've been struggling with mental health issues for a very long time, unless your knew here and you're like I just thought your title was cool or that you're the bee's knees or whatever. The point is I am still struggling with my fair share of mental health issues and I'm probably always going to be struggling with them at least a little bit. It doesn't matter how many coping skills I find or how many breaks I put in, I'm always going to be struggling with them and I'm always going to be struggling with myself.
So all of that was really just a set up for me to say- I'm sick.My mental health has been really sucky the last couple of months and I am only now starting to feel like myself again. The problem is I'm not really sure who I am anymore or how much of any of this is actually me versus how much of this is just something I've made up or that I've copied from somebody else. I know that that sounds confusing and honestly, it really is, for both me and the people who I associate with. I haven't told a lot of my IRL friends this because I feel like they're going to feel like they're not able to talk to me about their problems and I really don't want you guys to feel like that because you can talk to me and I will listen and I will try to help if I am able to, but just because I can do that it doesn't mean I am perfect or that I don't have struggles of my own. This is something I feel like I've made pretty known on here, but I am a big perfectionist with a whole lot of anxiety and I am really trying to get my act together right now because there is so much I want to be able to do and I am tired of letting my mental health control me because the truth is I like to have control. I like being in charge of my thoughts and of my feelings and of myself in general. I like being in control of me because I love feeling like myself. And yes, of course, I am always going to struggle with self-image and insecurities and fears that I'm not good enough but I am not going to allow those thoughts to take complete charge of me anymore. I am going to challenge those thoughts and fight those thought disorientations and I am not going to stop until one day I can say that I enjoy myself and that I am happy and okay because I have finally fucking realized that I deserve to be happy and that I deserve to love myself and that it's okay to have setbacks. I am not going to lose myself ever again.
There was this time last month that my sister/best friend called me up and she was really upset and she just needed someone to talk to and who could listen and who could just be there. And it was like for the first time I could really be that person. I didn't have to just sit there quietly and hug her until she felt better and to rub her back as if to give her some kind of security, not that that's a bad thing to do because some people really just need that. But it's like I couldn't really do that over the phone. I could say things to her and they were good things and it was like a part of me was starting to actually be able to come out and that was when I was like... this is you! This is so fucking you and you don't have to keep hiding you don't have to lock yourself up or feel obligated to keep your mouth shut or to just stay inside of your head. You are okay and you're alive and you're fine.
and it's like I don't give myself enough credit most of the time. I kinda just tend to be okay for a while before I shove my feelings under a rug and call them things like not real and stupid and pointless and then I let that feeling that stupidity draws how I feel and lead me back to the same thing- suicidal tendencies. My anxiety tends to start at a six every single day now, and while it's still progress from where I started at 10, it is still too high. But at least now I can say I'm working on it.
I won't feel happy all the time and yes it is fleeting and uncertain and yes I won't always have it and that's okay.
I have been in and out of the hospital. Inpatient at the end of March to the beginning of April. And ending of April to the beginning of May. And I am currently in outpatient.
I have been up and down and kicked out of the loop and left spinning in the dirt with shit just falling down on me, but it doesn't matter anymore because I'm okay.
I have survived through it all and I'm still here.
Anyways I am done with all of that for now because things can only keep my interest for so long :P
But just don't forget you're beautiful and you get to carve your own path
~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these other lgbtq+ pe..."SAMEEE
~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Oh and then there's the stupid guy asking for a fucking s..."EXACTLY
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Oh and then there's the stupid guy asking ..."Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these ..."
YESSS
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "ERINNNN *hugs*"ALEXXXXX *hugs*
ERINNN WE'RE GETTING A BOOK WITH AN AROACE PROTAGONIST!!
OMG YESSSSS FROM WHO??? IS THERE A TITLE RELEASED YET?? OMG AHHHH
~Erin~ wrote: "I feel happy. I am happy."sammmmmeeee I'm in my room jamming to Halle XChloe
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these ..."I love this so much!
~Erin~ wrote: "OMG YESSSSS FROM WHO??? IS THERE A TITLE RELEASED YET?? OMG AHHHH"YES!! it's called loveless by alice oseman
https://twitter.com/AliceOseman/statu...
Quanny wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "I feel happy. I am happy."sammmmmeeee I'm in my room jamming to Halle XChloe"
YESSSS I'M GLAD!!! WE GOTTA SPREAD DA HAPPINESS THROUGH JAMS XD
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "OMG YESSSSS FROM WHO??? IS THERE A TITLE RELEASED YET?? OMG AHHHH"YES!! it's called loveless by alice oseman
https://twitter.com/AliceOseman/statu..."
AHHH YESSS THANK YOUUU I'M SO EXCITED
Quanny wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~E..."YAY POSITIVE ENERGY
I just finished my outpatient therapy today so I'm a little extra hype today lol
oof sorry after that day I had school and so my energy has been kinda drained
okay but I actually have a topic that I really want to talk about today even though for me it's usually random
well not really talk about, it's more like ranting
so you guys know how some people are just like characters are characters and that when they die it's just fiction so there's no point in crying or in feeling anything about that? about them?
I mean- when you read a book or watch a show or however you meet or see the character you get to watch them grow and make mistakes and feel things and it's so painful it feels like you have known them throughout their entire lives because with stories that's how things work- time it moves faster and you don't get a moment to really breathe
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
