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trying to feel like me again
~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these other lgbtq+ people and that's just not fucking right"i'm late but yeah, i've seen a bunch of panphobia and aphobia on my timeline this pride month, and it's so disgusting, i've seen WAY more panphobia and aphobia this month then every other month, and now i'm dreading pride month next year because of this. and it hurts so much to see ppl from the lgbtq+ community bringing other ppl down. especially because we'd expect the lgbtq+ members to understand the most, especially because they know what it's like to not be accepted, yet they go around bringing others down.
~Erin~ wrote: "Oh and then there's the stupid guy asking for a fucking straight pride month as if that's even okay like wtf"the straight ppl that ask for straight pride month are annoying. i don't think they understand why we have pride month, and why we NEED it. it's the same reason why we have a woman's history month and a black history month and an autism acceptance month
~Erin~ wrote: "Not everyone wants a significant other, not everyone wants a romance"THANK YOU
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these other lgbtq+ people and that's just not fucking right"i'm late but yeah, i've seen a bunch of panphobia and aphobia on my timeline this pr..."
yessss I know!!! I feel it!!!
I literally hate the fact that people are using a time that's supposed to be celebrating love and people who have loss people and who have suffered just because of the fact that they love someone
Bringing people down isn't okay. Regardless of who they are or if they're different or anything else. It's just not okay.
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Oh and then there's the stupid guy asking for a fucking straight pride month as if that's even okay like wtf"the straight ppl that ask for straight pride month are annoying. i don'..."
AND YESSSS EXACTLY
It's like when the people were going all about how all lives matter, like yeah they do but that isn't the point. The point is to fight against discrimination and to celebrate them against all the suffrage
Also it sucks that we have to dedicate a month to all the people who are facing discrimination when they shouldn't have to feel like that at all
They should be able to feel okay and loved and accepted all year long and not just in one month where we have to scream to be heard and to be loved and to be noticed
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Not everyone wants a significant other, not everyone wants a romance"THANK YOU"
AND YES
~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these other lgbtq+ people and that's just not fucking right"i'm late but yeah, i've seen ..."
EXACTLY and some of the ppl have bashed my sexuality just because "we aren't oppressed" or because "straight aces/aros are still straight" like since when has the lgbtq+ community become an oppression olympics? and aces/aros are still aces/aros, regardless of their romantic/sexual orientation
~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Oh and then there's the stupid guy asking for a fucking straight pride month as if that's even okay like wtf"the straight ppl..."
~Erin~ wrote: "Also it sucks that we have to dedicate a month to all the people who are facing discrimination when they shouldn't have to feel like that at all"
~Erin~ wrote: "They should be able to feel okay and loved and accepted all year long and not just in one month where we have to scream to be heard and to be loved and to be noticed"
THANK YOU. like we NEED pride month because in so many countries it's literally illegal to be gay, to the point where ppl can be killed for being gay, not only that but transphobia and homophobia still exists, we have to go around being afraid of being opened about our sexuality/gender, due to homophobia/transphobia and due to the possibility that we could be killed or disowned or lose our jobs and more. but straight and cis ppl? they don't experience the same things we experience, for being straight and cis, they still have straight and cis privileges, they don't need a pride month because they still have privileges and they are accepted by default
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "There's these lgbtq+ people bashing these other lgbtq+ people and that's just not fucking right"i'm late but y..."
YESSSSSS SO TRUE
GOSH PEOPLE BE PISSING ME OFF AHHH
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: " Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase is a legend~ wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Oh and then there's the stupid guy asking for a fucking straight pride month as if that's even okay like wtf"t..."
AND YESSSS SO FREAKING TRUE
Like I just wish they'd all understand its importance but it's not like I'm oppressing them because they don't- I think everyone wants people to understand them and the problem is not everyone does
ANYWHOOO WELCOME BACK TO ERIN'S LAND OF BULLSHIT AND OTHER WONDERFUL THINGS!
I was totally about to go on another J.K. Rowling rant but I decided against it so instead here's a dramatic story....
There was a time when I wanted nothing in life because I felt like a burden and like by merely existing I was ruining everyone’s happiness, but she was the roar of thunder that changed my mind. She was the first person to scream loud enough to drown out all my chaotic thoughts. She was the very first person who taught me what living really meant. To teach me that I had a purpose and that I should live for myself and she was the first person to ever actually make me think that they care about me, like really care about me- not out of obligation or fear or I don’t know. She was the first person to make me feel really loved and so I guess that when she just disappeared she had no choice but to take my heart along with her- perhaps she wasn’t sure how to be a heartbreaker or maybe I made her anxiety get too high or maybe she never saw my message or maybe she did and I terrified her- I didn’t mean to, but it’s possible.
But I can’t keep living in these what ifs. I can’t keep trying to make up excuses or reasons or wishes that she’ll come back- I can’t keep sitting here waiting for her to somehow show up and tell me that it was a mistake or that she cared or anything to make me think that she didn’t just leave me for one of my long lists of reasons or that this was all in my head but of course this is all in my head
I think that the worst part was not knowing if she was real. And I’m not talking about my hallucinations although those are always frightening as crap and they don’t make sense and screw all the doctors and therapists who say they come from my self-doubt screw them because they don’t see how deep that is and neither do i.
AND QUOTING MY TITLE.....when life hands you lemons say no thank you don't just take them because they were offered to you, you deserve better than that you deserve great things wonderful things you don't deserve sour lemonade so don't settle for anything less
I'm changing my title again because I feel like it's too long and it's bothering me
#1Two truths can coexist. If I had learned anything from him, it was that. He had never been the type of person to show how he felt because he’d grown accustomed to thinking that expressing himself was some form of weakness. Even when he got used to the idea of challenging those thoughts- the same thoughts his father practically drilled into his head forcing himself to finish grieving his mother’s death the very moment that she died- he would still forget to allow his body language to match exactly how he was feeling. I’m not sure that if by entering his life I have made things better or worse, but I can only hope for the good and be by his side for the bad. I can’t keep expecting that I’ll be able to change all the bad outcomes in his life to something good and positive, to something uplifting. I can’t do that. It isn’t my job to play as his savior. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to because I promised him that I wouldn’t get in his way of trying to help himself and that is the one promise I could never break, not that I went around making promises with the intention to break them, but just/ that it was I couldn’t keep promises when it came to them putting in danger the people I care about. Which is why I was so very, very thankful that he wasn’t doing that.
I think that the weirdest thing was that we met because of how weak and he had looked. He’s closed off but when I saw him that day- I just couldn’t unsee him. It happened as if it had just been a dream, not making much sense and yet feeling as if I had lived in that moment before. It went something like this:
The boy- he just looked so sad and so vulnerable at that moment that I froze up in the doorway, unable to speak or move or understand. I wanted to comfort him but I wasn't sure if that's what he needed, or how I'd go about it. I wasn't sure if he'd come here to be alone like I had or if he was meeting someone, but there was something about him that made it impossible to look away. I remember wishing I had my sketchbook or any of my art supplies so I could capture his expression, and it brought up the stinging memory that everything I had ever created in my life had been destroyed in the fire. I had turned my room into my portfolio only for it to end up as nothing more than ashes.
He didn't notice me standing there and I didn't say anything in order to get him to acknowledge my presence. Time passed but as I stared at the boy I didn't seem to notice or even care- it felt like time had stopped until the bell rang signaling that lunch was over. I think I could've stood there forever, watching the boy with his innocent expressions, clueless to just how vulnerable he appeared to be, but my hands could never have stayed still forever. They ached to create, and the sound of the bell brought my mind up to speed, making it eager to start a new project. The boy jumped at the sound of the bell, obviously, it broke his concentration on whatever he'd been so lost in thought on. He turned around quickly and was about to take a step forward when he noticed me, his body stiffened for a moment as if he was preparing for the worst. I only stared at him, still unable to find my voice. I only knew how to look at him in awe. My fingers had started to tap restlessly against my leg and I tried to keep a mental image of the boy so I could recreate this moment later.
Suddenly he was walking up to me, his speed quick, and the mental image I'd been trying so hard to remember was lost. At that moment I suddenly felt afraid for a reason I couldn't quite place. The boy's expression had become so angry, so dark, and I felt myself trembling under his stern gaze as he closed the distance between us. He stopped when he was right in front of me, crossing his arms, the stern look still on his face.
He spoke automatically, his voice coming out rough and harsh. “Aren't you going to move?” He asked, and when I didn't respond he took a step forward and poked me in the middle of the forehead. “You're blocking the doorway, you know?”
I moved in a slow, robotic fashion a couple of paces to the side, where I'd no longer be in the way. For the first time, my eyes left the boy and they landed on my feet. I still didn't say anything. I didn't feel anything at that moment, either. I knew I was supposed to be getting back to class and that I'd be able to work on my art all I wanted afterward, but I couldn't get my feet to move in that direction. Instead, I moved more and more paces away from the door, away from the boy. The boy, to my surprise, stopped me by catching my arm.
“Shouldn't you be getting back to class by now as well?” He asked, his voice had lost its harsh tone. It was still rough, but it sounded like he was trying too hard to make it so.
I hesitated, unsure if I wanted to risk looking vulnerable in the eyes of a stranger. “I just need a moment. You go on ahead.” I finally said, tugging my arm out of his grasp and attempting to move away again.
He caught my arm again, his grip tighter than it was the first time. “No, I think I'm going to wait for you.”
“You really don't have to do that.” I tried tugging my arm away again, but this time it's useless. I used my free arm to try to make him let go of my other arm but he just uses his other hand to grab my wrist. He pushes me against the wall, and I look away from my feet and up at his face. Our eyes lock, making me feel uncomfortable so I look away.
“I insist that you let me stay.” He murmured, his breath tickling my neck.
“You're going to be late for class, you know,” I told him quickly, my voice coming out hoarse.
“So are you.” The boy's husky voice spoke, and I could tell even without looking at him that he was smiling. “How many people do you think will guess that we skipped it together? How long do you think time will pass before rumors start spreading about us?”
I shook my head. “What are you saying?”
The boy rolled his eyes. “As if you don't already know. You were watching me, weren't you? Aren't you interested in me? I'll let you in on a little secret: I’m interested in you too.”
My eyes widened and I turned to face him without thinking. “You're wrong, I was-” He cut me off with a kiss, his body leaning into mine. It made his grip relax on my arms and so I thought about mustering up every bit of strength I had in order to push him off me, so that I could quickly move away from him, hoping that my body wouldn’t be trembling even more than it did before. I was so stupid to not run away when he was coming at me with such a dark expression. He was just some creep. I wanted to open up the door and run out of the room as fast as I could and to not return to class. I wanted to leave school and to never return to it. I wanted to get away from this, away from him, but kissing him felt so damn good. And so I allowed him to kiss me and I kissed him back, deepening our kiss. I wanted more of him, all of him. I had never wanted someone so badly in my life before. For the first time in a long time, I felt loved.
Eventually, he pulled back and I was looking up at him, his face looked hesitant. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then he closed it again, and then he just said, “Can you meet me back up here after class? I need to talk to you about something.” He looked nervous.
“Oh!” My eyes widened in surprise. “Um, yeah. I mean, sure that’s fine.”
He chuckled a bit. “Great, thanks. I’ll, uh, give you some space then.” He backed away, looking kinda sheepish.
“Go ahead and go to class. I just need a moment to think, please?” I asked, my voice sounding desperate to even my own ears.
He looked at me with concern and yet understanding eyes, and he nodded slowly. “Okay, then. I’ll see you later.”
When he was gone, she instantly appeared, sitting in her usual spot near the edge of the rooftop- being unafraid of falling as she’ll only ever see it as a closer step to playing.
“Are you happy?” She asked me as she dangled her feet over the edge of the rooftop.My thoughts burned at me to tell her what I’d thought for so long, but could never say. I had to tell her now, now that there was nothing I could do to keep her from leaving.
“You make me uneasy,” I told her.
Normally someone would question the accusation. She just laughed. So I continued. “You never look both ways and you rarely ever buckle your seat belt until I tell you, you never turn off your engine when you pump gas, and you take the safety band off your lighters. You jump off a cliff into the water before ever testing how deep it is, and you never warn someone before you take off.”
All she did was look at me.
“I think that makes me pretty fun.” She retorted facetiously.
“It’s like you don’t care to just- I don’t know.”
“To die?”
The way she said ‘die’ so nonchalantly made me wonder how the hell anyone could ever use it in a serious sense. She breathed and then added, “I have outrun that thing more times than I can count, just by walking. I have shot it down without ever knowing of a bullet and I have moved out of its line of sight, just by shifting the way I lay the weight on my hip.”
I blinked a few times and looked at the mess that my hands were in my lap, the way they seemed to shake.
“Doesn’t that tell you that maybe, death, it isn’t meant for you? At least not right now?”
She scoffed. “I have missed the train for death too many times, so maybe next time I’ll just jump in front of it.”
“Do you want to talk about what this is actually about? What you’re really feeling? Or are you just going to leave me like this?”
She looked me up and down. “Like what?”
“Like this!” I threw my arms out in front of me. “This broken, desperate mess! I’m trying so hard to just accept the fact that you’re choosing to leave again after all we’ve been through and then this time you’re saying you might never come back. I can’t come and look after you, so I need to know that you’ll actually look after yourself. I need to know you’ll be okay. I need to know so I won’t spend every single day thinking about you, regretting you. I need to know so that I can live life like you live life so that I can- I want you to be happy, but I also want you to be safe,”
For a moment she’s quiet. When she spoke, her voice was soft, almost like a whisper but not quite. “I am tired,” she says, “and it is so awfully difficult to feel sad and tired when all you want is to feel alive.”
I watched her in silence, waiting for her to continue, waiting for her to open up, because I knew that it was hard for her and that hearing my voice would remind her of where she was, of who she was and who I was, and I desperately needed her to forget the bounds of times. To confide in me like she does her journals. I need her to see that human connection can be beautiful, that she doesn't have to be afraid, that it's okay if others make her feel balanced. That there is nothing wrong with feeling whole.
“I'm not really sad anymore,” she continues, “just kind of tired of this place. I guess that's just how it always goes for me. I just leave for a while until I find a place that feels good enough, perfect enough. But the problem with that is that feeling always fades, and when it fades I think that's a sign that maybe I'm starting to get nostalgic again, that maybe I'm just missing home, and then I go home and it's like everything's the same but everything has changed at the same time and I just don't understand how that could be. And then I just feel so restless and yet so tired and I just know that it's time to go. I have to go. I just have to.” She looked at me for the first time, her eyes watering. “Do you know that feeling where you just want to say 'I don't know what to do’ over and over again? Because you literally have no clue what to do anymore and you feel like you're trapped in this black void of messiness that you can't seem to get out of no matter how fast you try to run? Well, that's me now-”
“Yes, I know that feeling all too well. Every time you leave and every time you've come back. I always think I know what I'm going to say, what I'm going to do. I think I know that I'm going to send you away, that I'm not going to let you back in, that I will not give you any more permission to break my heart. But then I see you and you're standing on my porch and you're a hot mess and you look so afraid, and I realize… and I realize every time that I'm still so in love with you and I hate myself for it because I should've learned to let you go by now, I should've learned to expect that'd you'd leave, but I thought that this time would be different, that we would be different.
“I wanted to scream goodbye. To slam the door. Anything to get you to leave before I started crying and breaking down and fading away into a version of me that I no longer recognize. I wanted to say fuck you. Fuck you for leaving. Fuck you for all the times you made me cry. Fuck you for giving up on me, on us, on anything we could've ever been. Fuck you for making me feel special. Fuck you for saying things like that and not meaning it. Fuck you for lying to me. But most of all: Fuck you for leaving when I needed you the most. Fuck you because I still miss you. I was worth it. You were worth it. We could've been worth it. Why, why, why? I can't keep waiting for you to return. I have to go soon too. I have to move on this time,” my voice started choking, cracking, desperately trying to get me to take back everything I'd said, everything that hurt. “I know you're going to move on too. You always do.”
I stood up and was automatically hit with the feeling I was going to faint, that my legs were so unstable without her, that my heart was so unstable without her, that there was no way I could move on any time soon and I couldn't help but hope that it would be the same for her. And I guess that's when you know you love them: when your heart aches; when your stomach drops; when your lungs feel like they're caving in, just because of the thought of them with someone else.
She didn't say anything, therefore the sound of my voice carried in order to avoid the silence. “Look, you can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should've already told you that, right? You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love. We both thought I was different and maybe I am, but maybe I'm too different. Maybe I'm not 'the one’ for you.”
She nodded her head slowly, not looking quite at me at first but something in the distance behind me. When her eyes finally flickered to mine, they seemed to sparkle with excitement. “I get it. I'm leaving, and this time, you're taking off too, moving into your own direction in life. You don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll be happy. I promise. I hope you're happy too.”
And with that, she stood up and started walking away, not waiting to hear a response from me. She turned to give me a final look, waved, and then carried on her way. I stayed there for a while trying to convince myself I was happy, as happy as she managed to convince me she was.
So this is her story- a story of the girl who flew away from a small town with secrets she'll never come back to learn and how she became queen.
"Does it hurt anymore?" She asked me, concern in her eyes. The concern wasn't for me, or even for the subject- it was for her. She wanted to know how long heartbreak last. "It doesn't," I told her, focusing my eyes on the wall behind her. She scooted over so that she was blocking where I'd been looking and forced me to look at her.
"Well, when does it stop? Can I have a time period?" El was staring at me with her round eyes. It was hard for me to think about how she wasn't innocent anymore, how all I had tried to protect her from had just failed. It was knowing that I should report this to the higher-ups, but also knowing that there was a time when that wasn't my first thought, a time when we were best friends.
"It doesn't," I repeated.
Her eyes widened. "What? But you just said-"
"It doesn't. I said it doesn't. It doesn't stop hurting. It's just sometimes enough time passes for the void to feel all less void-y." I shrugged. "I can't give you advice about heartbreak-"
"But your heart's been broken before! You said if I ever needed any advice to come to you!" El was crying now, because she'd felt her heart just break again and I knew that, but I didn't comfort her. I couldn't comfort her.
"It- it was different." My voice shook with emotion.
“How’s it different?” She demanded.
“It just is!” I was trying to stay calm but my voice was becoming more and more desperate to change the topic.
“You never talk about him.” She remarks suddenly.
"Fine,” I said. “Yes, it's going to hurt for a while. There isn't a time period for it to stop. It's different for everybody, but just because you stop hurting sooner than another person, that doesn't mean you loved them any less.”
She stared at me for a minute, realizing what I had just done and gave a small laugh. “You’re a fucking wallflower.”
That’s the last sisterly conversation I’ve had before the warning was yelled loudly mixing with the sounds of sirens and the smell of smoke. Just a simple warning, a simple message: The fires. They're coming.
I heard screaming, thousands of screams. I tried to hear my sister over the sound, but I couldn't. It was too late. She was dead. They were all dead. I felt the weight of the world upon my shoulders and the weight of my sister in my arms. All of my family, all of my kingdom- everyone I had ever come to know had died in a matter of minutes. I had failed them. I was supposed to be their queen, and yet, I left them wide open to danger. I destroyed them. I destroyed my home.
What was a queen supposed to do when her purpose had been destroyed and she was still living? It was worse than death itself. But to die after all that had happened, it would be letting their killers get away with it and as queen, I could never rest in peace knowing that the people who had hurt my people were still alive, hiding in the shadows like cowards. And believe me, in shadows they hid. However, perhaps I'm truly the greatest coward of them all, for when my people were in danger I wasn't near in order to save them. I let them die. I let our kingdom break. It was supposed to be me who died at destruction's door, who gave up life in order to save everybody else. That was the single utmost important duty of a queen and I had thrown all of that away, for what? What did I gain? What purpose did I fulfill? Nothing, that's what! I had lost all I had ever known, all who I had ever loved, and I was left with regret and loss and an urge for vengeance because that's the only way I can think to do right for my people.
I had burned my kingdom to flames by being absent when they needed me most. I had just vanished, chasing after a childish fantasy, throwing myself among reckless behavior as if somehow it'd make everything just magically become okay. But it didn't. And so I screwed up. I screwed up so much. I could've been there, done that. I should've been there. But I wasn't and I just can't change that as much as I wish I could. I'm just- I should never have been queen. I knew that I wouldn't be good enough. It should have been my sister who took over the crown when our parents died, not me, never me.
I reached out to touch my sister's face, trying to memorize her one last time-
The silence woke me.
I jerked forward, gasping for breath. It was just another nightmare. The same nightmare I'd been having since that night, since that fight, since that battle. I hadn't really been there, but I could see it like I was and I could feel it and smell it and touch it and even taste it. I wasn't sure why but I could. I hadn't really been there, right, unless I've somehow forgotten or stored the memory because it was too painful. But that just makes my dream make a lot less sense, which is normal for dreams, but not normal for me. Then again, I'm not even sure what normal looks like for me anymore.The life of the undead was a boring one. So boring that it made me fall asleep day after day as I watched him. He collected the same coffee every day under somebody else's name. But there was something about him, something that made him impossible to stop watching. I couldn't figure out what. He smelled of despair and misery, of a lost boy trapped in the body of a man, trying to figure out how to 'adult' his way in life. He obviously had needed a reason to grow up fast, but the reason no longer needed him, and so now he was stuck having to just live his own life and he had no idea how to do that because he always had to take care of someone else. I wasn't sure how I could tell this, maybe it was because I was placing my emotions into another person or maybe, maybe I really knew how he felt.
We were the only two customers left and I couldn't stop staring at him.
"More coffee?" A waitress asked me, snapping me out of my own thoughts.
"Uhh..uh.." I couldn't make up my mind on whether I wanted more or not. This hadn't happened in the week that I'd been watching this boy, therefore causing me to be surprised.
The waitress looked over to where I'd been staring and smirked as she saw the boy. "Did someone catch your eyes?" She asked playfully.
"Oh, um...no. That's not what I'm doing, I'm-"
"Hey girl, you don't gotta keep secrets with me. I can introduce the two of you if you'd like." She offered but I still wasn't sure if I could trust her.
"Oh no, that's okay- Wait, could you really?"
"Are you crushing on him or are you a fangirl?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
"If I said neither, would you still introduce us?" I inquired politely, trying to refrain from showing my eagerness.
“Let me give you some advice. If you’re seeing someone you want to talk to, but don’t know if they’re interested, buy them a drink and let me tell them it’s from you. Then you can see where things go from there.”
“Is this just advice to get me to spend more money in here? Like some sort of advertisement? Like oh, you see a cute boy, buy him a cup of coffee, and we’ll provide our best customer services and get him to look your way?”
“Ooh, so you do think he’s cute! Are you sure you’re not crushing on him?”
I nodded my head slowly. “I kinda just got out of a relationship really quickly and unexpectedly, and I haven’t learned how to move on or how to get my heart to stop beating for a person who it’ll never see or hear or feel from again.”
She looked at me in disbelief. "You mean you're not crushing on him? And you're not a fangirl? Well, this is new. Gotta see how my man interacts with you. Yo, Daniel! Got someone who'd like to meetcha before ya head out!"
"Oh, are you guys together? I thought you guys were-"
"Hello, m'lady," Daniel said as he slid smoothly in the seat across from me. "I was wondering when you were gonna ask for me. Took a week to get your courage up? Ya don't gotta get shy around me, little lady."
The waitress shook her head violently. "Um, this one isn't into-"
"Sis, we've talked about this. You don't gotta get jealous around every girl I see. I know you like attention, but don't you dare start acting spoiled." Daniel spoke nonchalantly to her and honestly, he sounded like a real asshole. This was definitely the guy I was looking for.
"Dude, this isn't an act- she isn't here for the show." The waitress snapped before giving me an apologetic look.
He looked at me a little harshly, as if instantly knowing what I was here for. It almost felt like he had read my mind. "You stayed here a whole week just for the password?"
“What password?” I asked, looking between Daniel and the waitress, whose name I found on her nametag, Izzy.
“Don’t play dumb. There are only two reasons why people of this town stop here, social gatherings and human connection, or for the password because they have some reason that’s really important to get it.” He rolled his eyes.
Anxiety doubled up on me and I started feeling sick to my stomach, as Daniel’s eyes burned right through my body. I felt like at any minute I was just going to burst into flames and I wondered if this was punishment for not being able to save my people, for being the only survivor.
“Daniel, stop this! Cut her a deal. She clearly has no idea what you’re talking about, and she isn’t here for either of the reasons that most other people come here for.”
“Oh yeah? Do you believe her? You’re just gonna buy into her little manipulative game? I thought I’d raised you better than this, sis.”
“Dan, she’s here for the same reason we are. She’s like us. Look into her eyes and you’ll be able to see it. Don’t you recognize that look, the look that says your world has fallen apart and you just need a little distraction long enough to come up with some type or form of plan that might somehow make all of this better? Something that’ll point you into which direction of this life you should be heading toward?”
His eyes hadn’t left me the entire time his sister had been talking. As if he was waiting for me to say something, to agree with his sister or to argue against him or something. He was expecting some grand ass reaction, but instead, all I did was start crying my eyes out. I could feel the burning sensation leaving my body as Daniel got caught off guard by my crying. His sister seemed more surprised by the fact that my crying had caught him off guard than by the fact that I had just started crying out of nowhere./
“I-I'm sorry. I shouldn’t be crying. I’m not actually from around here, I just stopped here because I needed a place to stay for a little bit so I wouldn’t act on some kind of reckless behavior, but since I’m causing so much trouble, I’ll go ahead and leave. I’m really sorry. And um, here’s to pay for the coffee.” I dug in my purse and put a five dollar bill on the table. Then I stood up and started heading toward the door.
“Wait!” Izzy shouted and my body froze as if she had controlled me with just one word. I tried to speak or to turn around, but I couldn’t. I was stuck. The longer I stayed here the more it felt like those two had some kind of power, some kind of magic, but this world was supposed to be different from my own. It wasn’t supposed to have magic. Was I in the wrong place, or had things changed so much that the legend was completely out of place?
“Izzy- just let her go. She doesn’t belong here.” Daniel snapped at her.
Izzy raced to my side, apologizing frantically, confirming my suspicions that she had used some kind of spell or command on me to make me frozen in spot. She touched my arm and chased her fingers into some shape that I couldn’t figure out, then slowly but surely I started having control over my body once more.
“Now let her go, Izz. We can’t keep her hear just because you’re feeling guilty about what happened last week. People die and you can’t save everyone, and we don’t even know if we can trust this basket case of a crying woman.” His eyes were once again fixed on me as if he was waiting for me to get angry or defensive as if he was waiting for some strong reaction to show that I was dangerous.
“It’s fine, I’m going. You don’t gotta talk shit about me when I did nothing to you.” I didn’t wait for a response as I threw open the door to the coffee shop and walked quickly out of the place. At some point, I started running because it was easier to not think about anything when I was moving faster. My vision blurred as tears kept coming and I tried to wish them away, but I just couldn’t seem to stop crying. I arrived at the edge of the woods in a matter of minutes since I had quickly run across town. I slid down against a tree and pretty much just fell before I could finish sliding down in the weird but dramatic fashion I had been doing. My breathing came out in loud gasps as I tried to cling onto the very idea of air. I was still crying and my body felt weak as if at any second I was going to break apart, as if at any second I was going to die a failure, not being able to bring justice for my own people. I should’ve done something, anything, to have saved them. I should’ve sacrificed my happiness for theirs, my safety for theirs. I should have given them a longer chance at life. I should be the one who is dead inside some casket because it would mean that my people are still alive. I thought I had been doing the best I could for them, but I had been wrong. I had been so very wrong.
"Does it hurt anymore?" She asked me, concern in her eyes. The concern wasn't for me, or even for the subject- it was for her. She wanted to know how long heartbreak last. "It doesn't," I told her, focusing my eyes on the wall behind her. She scooted over so that she was blocking where I'd been looking and forced me to look at her.
"Well, when does it stop? Can I have a time period?" El was staring at me with her round eyes. It was hard for me to think about how she wasn't innocent anymore, how all I tried to protect her from failed. It was knowing that I should report this to the higher-ups, but also knowing that there was a time when that wasn't my first thought, a time when we were best friends.
"It doesn't," I repeated.
Her eyes widened. "What? But you just said-"
"It doesn't. I said it doesn't. It doesn't stop hurting. It's just sometimes enough time passes for the void to feel all less void-y." I shrugged. "I can't give you advice about heartbreak-"
"But your heart's been broken before! You said if I ever needed any advice to come to you!" El was crying now, because she'd felt her heart just break again and I knew that, but I didn't comfort her. I couldn't comfort her.
"It- it was different." My voice shook with emotion.
“How’s it different?” She demanded.
“It just is!” I was trying to stay calm but my voice was becoming more and more desperate to change the topic.
“You never talk about him.” She remarks suddenly.
"Fine.” I said. “Yes, it's going to hurt for a while. There isn't a time period for it to stop. It's different for everybody, but just because you stop hurting sooner than another person, that doesn't mean you loved them any less.”
She stared at me for a minute, realizing what I had just did and gave a small laugh. “You’re a fucking wallflower.”
The fires. They're coming.I heard screaming, thousands of screams. I tried to hear my sister over the sound, but I couldn't. It was too late. She was dead. They were all dead. I felt the weight of the world upon my shoulders and the weight of my sister in my arms. All of my family, all of my kingdom- everyone I had ever come to know had died in a matter of minutes. I had failed them. I was supposed to be their queen, and yet, I left them wide open to danger. I destroyed them. I destroyed my home.
What was a queen supposed to do when her purpose had been destroyed and she was still living? It was worse than death itself. But to die after all that had happened, it would be letting their killers get away with it and as queen, I could never rest in peace knowing that the people who had hurt my people were still alive, hiding in the shadows like cowards. And believe me, in shadows they hid. However, perhaps I'm truly the greatest coward of them all, for when my people were in danger I wasn't near in order to save them. I let them die. I let our kingdom break. It was supposed to be me who died at destruction's door, who gave up life in order to save everybody else. That was the single utmost important duty of a queen and I had thrown all of that away, for what? What did I gain? What purpose did I fulfill? Nothing, that's what! I had lost all I had ever known, all who I had ever loved, and I was left with regret and loss and an urge for vengeance because that's the only way I can think to do right for my people.
I had burned my kingdom to flames by being absent when they needed me most. I had just vanished, chasing after a childish fantasy, throwing myself among reckless behavior as if somehow it'd make everything just magically become okay. But it didn't. And so I screwed up. I screwed up so much. I could've been there, done that. I should've been there. But I wasn't and I just can't change that as much as I wish I could. I'm just- I should never have been queen. I knew that I wouldn't be good enough. It should have been my sister who took over the crown when our parents died, not me, never me.
I reached out to touch my sister's face, trying to memorize her one last time-
The silence woke me.
I jerked forward, gasping for breath. It was just another nightmare. The same nightmare I'd been having since that night, since that fight, since that battle. I hadn't really been there, but I could see it like I was and I could feel it and smell it and touch it and even taste it. I wasn't sure why but I could. I hadn't really been there, right, unless I've somehow forgotten or stored the memory because it was too painful. But that just makes my dream make a lot less sense, which is normal for dreams, but not normal for me. Then again, I'm not even sure what normal looks like for me anymore.
The silence was unusual as I was camping out in the woods. There should be crickets and animals and sounds of liveliness, not complete silence, not the still kind of silence that was there. The kind of silence that brought uneasiness and fear because it brought anticipation that something was about to happen- it just shouldn't have been there. But then there was a scream and suddenly the silence made much more sense, it was the hesitance, the calm before the storm- someone was dying and the whole forest could feel the pain of the victim that took their last stand inside the forest's land. I quickly got out of my tent and looked around, not seeing anyone nearby. There was another scream and I followed it, trying to pinpoint the location of where all of this was happening. When I finally made my way to a clearing and was able to see the people and the situation, I hunched down and listened. They were talking about some password, begging for it in fact, but apparently, the screaming victims didn't have the right password and so the guard or whatever the guy was who was letting people in with passwords decided that they had to die because they knew the location that was probably supposed to remain hidden to outsiders. I thought about going over there and confronting them, but as soon as I had that thought all of the people vanished into thin air.
Feeling super creeped out and even more uneased than before, I decided to pack up my stuff and head toward town. It was a good plan because the light had just started breaking out as the sun began to rise. It was a far walk because I had wanted to make sure that I was hidden and secure in the forest so that nobody could disturb me, which is one of the reasons why I was so surprised to see the few people that I had seen. Although I'm guessing that they probably chose their location for the same reasons that I did.
The life of the undead was a boring one. So boring that it made me fall asleep day after day as I watched him. He collected the same coffee every day under somebody else's name. But there was something about him, something that made him impossible to stop watching. I couldn't figure out what. He smelled of despair and misery, of a lost boy trapped in the body of a man, trying to figure out how to 'adult' his way in life. He obviously had needed a reason to grow up fast, but the reason no longer needed him, and so now he was stuck having to just live his own life and he had no idea how to do that because he always had to take care of someone else. I wasn't sure how I could tell this, maybe it was because I was placing my emotions into another person or maybe, maybe I really knew how he felt.
We were the only two customers left and I couldn't stop staring at him.
"More coffee?" A waitress asked me, snapping me out of my own thoughts.
"Uhh..uh.." I couldn't make up my mind on whether I wanted more or not. This hadn't happened in the week that I'd been watching this boy, therefore causing me to be surprised.
The waitress looked over to where I'd been staring and smirked as she saw the boy. "Did someone catch your eyes?" She asked playfully.
"Oh, um...no. That's not what I'm doing, I'm-"
"Hey girl, you don't gotta keep secrets with me. I can introduce the two of you if you'd like." She offered but I still wasn't sure if I could trust her.
"Oh no, that's okay- Wait, could you really?"
"Are you crushing on him or are you a fangirl?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
"If I said neither, would you still introduce us?" I inquired politely, trying to refrain from showing my eagerness.
She looked at me in disbelief. "You mean you're not crushing on him? And you're not a fangirl? Well, this is new. Gotta see how my man interacts with you. Yo, Daniel! Got someone who'd like to meetcha before ya head out!"
"Oh, are you guys together? I thought you guys were-"
"Hello, m'lady," Daniel said as he slid smoothly in the seat across from me. "I was wondering when you were gonna ask for me. Took a week to get your courage up? Ya don't gotta get shy around me, little lady."
"Um, this one isn't into-"
"Sis, we've talked about this. You don't gotta get jealous around every girl I see. I know you like attention, but don't you dare start acting spoiled." Daniel spoke nonchalantly to her and honestly, he sounded like a real asshole. This was definitely the guy I was looking for.
"Dude, this isn't an act- she isn't here for the show." The waitress snapped before giving me an apologetic look.
He looked at me a little harshly, instantly knowing what I was here for. It almost felt like he had read my mind. "You stayed here a whole week just for the password?"
"I need it." Was all I said in response.
"Yeah, well I need a lot of things that I don't have, what are you going to give me in return?"
"How about this, if you give me what I need I'll let you keep your little pathetic life?"
"Princess, are you threatening me?"
"No, sir. I'm giving you an offer."
"I can't let you kill him." The waitress cut in. "I know he's an asshole, but his death isn't worth some password."
"Says you. You don't get it."
"Maybe if you explained it to us, we could understand. Maybe cut you a deal." The waitress locked eyes with her brother.
"We don't cut deals for anyone." Daniel snarled at her. "If we cut a deal now, more people will expect us to. It isn't an even trade. Besides, how are we supposed to know if she's being honest? She could be telling us some sob story just so we'd let her in. I promised our parents I wouldn't fail their creation, that I'd only let in those most deserving. Those with the most to offer."
"But we can't just turn this girl away, she is-"
"I'm a girl with nothing to offer. I need the password for personal use, that much is true. I just- I need to find someone because I am running out of options and I don't know what else to do. I'd explain it if I could, but you'd think I was just spilling out some fairy tale and I have no way of proving that I'm not. But please, I need this. I need to make a deal with the monster behind the counter because he's the only one who knows the truth. He's the only one who could get me home. And I need to get back home before it disappears, so please you guys are my last hope. I can't go forward without the password. If I don't have it, I'll just be stuck at a standstill, basically frozen in time, and I can't let my story end like this. I owe it to my people to go back home, to find some clue, some kind of sign of what really happened there when I left. I'm sorry," my voice was cracking as I held out my arm, pointing my gun right at Daniel. "Please don't make me do this."
"I told you-" The waitress growled before taking a step behind me, knife at my throat in a second. "I can't let you kill him. I might not need him to take care of me anymore, but other people do. He's too important to die over a password.""Both of you, put your weapons away. They're a waste." Daniel ordered, standing up, seeming to have no concern nor surprise to either of our reactions. The waitress complied slowly, but I was going to need a little more convincing as to why I shouldn't shoot him right now. Daniel just looked at me like he was annoyed with me. "Come on, put it down. You said to not make you do this, and I'm trying to make you not do it."
"Are you going to give me what I want?" I asked, slowly starting to put down the gun. He was right. I didn't want to have to use it. I didn't want to have to hurt anyone. But I would if I really needed to if I couldn't find another way around it.
"I know who you are. I knew you were coming. I just needed to test you to make sure you were really you." Daniel was now staring at me like I was some mythical animal or like I was a fairy tale character come to life. He actually knew.
"It doesn't matter who I am, are you going to give me the password or not?"
"I'm not going to give it to you," He chuckled as if the very idea was foolish. "I'm going to give you something else. A little gift for the road, if you will."
"I don't need anything but the password."
"Oh but you want this. And you'll eventually come to need it too."
"I don't want anything."
"Yes, yes you do. Because, as long as we're revealing information, the very simple truth of the matter is that you don't need to go home just yet. You need something from this world."
"Oh yeah? And you're saying you have that?"
"Nope, not at all. But I do have a resource to help you find it."
"Just spit it out already."
"My sister!"
I couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Really? You're just going to give her away? To some stranger who just tried to kill you?"
"Uh, hey. Let's not assume I'm the resource. I'm not, right, Daniel? That was just my cue to go get something for you? But uh, what do you need?"
"Sorry sis, I'm firing you from this place. I'm hooking you up on a new gig- I need you to escort this woman. She's Queen of-"
"I don't care what or who she is, brother, I'm not going! I have to be here with you!"
"You will not defy me, Isemeine."
"But I-" She bit her tongue, wanting to fight back, to convince him to let her stay with him, but she didn't say anything else.
"Come Isemeine, I'll help you pack. As for you, Queen Elina, I'll have one of the other waitresses escort you to get ready for your journey. You must not have a lot of stuff, coming from a faraway land and all, so allow me to help you out- free of charge."
~
That's how we got to where we are now. Her brother took charge of my journey because he was the monster behind the counter, as much as it surprised me to realize that. Well, it's not like Isemeine told me that. I just put two and two together as we've walked onto our journey. Isemeine wouldn't talk to me. She was completely silent, but I could tell that she had a lot on her mind.
"You don't have to come, okay? I know you're worried about your brother, and I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Look, I wanna go home and I want to see my family, but not at the expense of watching somebody else have to leave their family behind."
"Stop trying to relate to me, trying to put on a front face. So many people have died because of you and you want me to just go back home where your fingerprints were left? Well, fuck you. Fuck you."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you-"
"Oh screw off. You don't care about how I feel."
"Does your brother know you talk like this?"
"Shut up."
"I'm being serious. Does he know how much being apart from him actually affects you? Like I get it if he's trying to protect you or whatever, but that doesn't have to involve him sending you off with me."
"Well, that's where we agree. He didn't send me off with you for my protection, but the other way around."
"For his protection?"
"No, idiot, for yours. He's dying for you right now as we speak."
"Well, why the fuck is he doing that?"
"For a queen, you sure have a mouth on you."
"Shut up."
"Hey, I asked you for that first."
"Whatever."
She didn't say anything, just looked out in front of her as if she was watching something tragic unfold. I wondered if she could somehow see her brother if what her words said were really true if he was really dying for me.
"You didn't answer my question."
"Because you don't really want the answer."
I stopped walking and just stared at her. "That isn't true. I want to know. I need to know."
"Why? So you can save him? Well, guess what? You can't. And I can't. We're not strong enough to stop the power of an ancient curse. Trust me, I've been trying to figure out a way to prevent this day."
"That's not what it looked like in the shop."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"You're right, so tell me."
"We have to keep moving."
"No. Not until you talk to me."
"I can't talk to you about it. I just can't."
"Then we're going to be stuck here for a while, aren't we?"
"We don't have time for this! We have to go! I have to get you to safety. I can't let him die in vain. Please, you have to understand, I can't talk to you about his reasoning. I just can't."
I hesitated. I knew she was telling the truth, somehow, it was the desperation in her voice in her face. It was like she was fighting against the urge to go back, like she was having a battle of her wills, one side fighting for her to go back and the other forcing her to go on to do the mission her brother requested her to fulfill. That's when I realized she actually didn't have a choice to go with me- it was like she was programmed to follow his orders like she was-
"Don't think so much. Let's just go." She grabbed my hand and pulled me along behind me and I followed her tug, feeling numb and confused. I couldn't wrap my mind around this.
We walked on for hours before we reached a train station. I got on and that was it. Isemeine gave me a package that had an envelope taped to the top and told me it would explain everything, but that she couldn't go with me any further because she had to get back to her job, to her brother... Her eyes watered as she said this. Something terrible was happening at the very moment we spoke and I didn't know what. She then surprised me by giving me a hug.
"Be safe," she whispered into my ear. "Be safe."
"I didn't think you even liked me." My voice was muffled because of her hug, but I felt like crying- like I'd known her my entire life.
"Don't be silly. I hardly know you, but I really care about you. I love you. But I have to get back."
"But what am I supposed to do next?"
"It's all in the letter." She let go of me, gave me a weak smile, and started walking back to the way we had come. I stared after her until she was no longer in sight and the train had started moving, and I suddenly felt super exhausted and I guess at some point I fell asleep.
Chapter Two"Mommy, mommy- look at that sleeping girl! She looks like Sleeping Beauty!"
"Shh, Leila. You're gonna wake her up with all your ruckus."
I slowly opened my eyes, squinting as I tried to see clearly. I blinked a few times, trying to clear up the blurriness of my vision. When I could finally see again and had washed the sleep from my eyes, I noticed immediately that a little girl was sitting across from me with wide eyes and her hands over her mouth. The woman I assumed was her mother was digging through her purse and hadn't noticed that I had actually woken up. The little girl shook her head at me as she pointed to her mother, as if trying to say hey princess, don't wake up, my mommy will blame me. I smiled at the little girl, for still being a child and innocent and for still seeing princesses in a woman like me- who was not in some castle or tower but on a train traveling to some destination in which I couldn't name.
I tried to be silent as I tried to sit up, hoping to ease into the woman's awareness, so she wouldn't blame her child. To be honest, it wasn't the little girl's fault that I woke up. I had had this strange dream, but I couldn't remember what the dream held. I was just left with this strange feeling of uneasiness. I felt sick and I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I was making some great mistake, that there is something I could've been preventing it if only I knew what exactly it was, or where I was. Isemeine hadn't really explained anything to me, but she just left me on this train with that hug and with those tears and that, that letter! That was it! It had to have some kind of answers. At least I hoped that it had some answers. Just as I was about to open the letter to read the information that it contained, the mother noticed I was awake.
"Ah, I'm really sorry about my daughter, if she woke you up. I'm also sorry that we stole these seats, but the train is completely full and there was nowhere else to sit and-" She spoke quickly, her eyes held so much fear.
"Hey, it's okay. You don't need to apologize. I don't own these seats and your daughters' gotta be who she is, even if she wakes up a few people every now and then. But it's fine, she isn't what woke me It was- uh, nevermind. Anyways, thanks for being concerned, but I'm fine and you're fine."
She looked kinda taken back by my response. "Ah, um okay. No problem."
I gave her a concerned look. "Did I say something wrong?"
"No, not at all. Well not wrong, but different. Different isn't wrong. Ahh sorry!" She seemed to be stumbling over words a lot.
"Okay, if you're sure. Oh, right. Can I ask you a question? About this train?"
"Oh, sure. Is this your first time aboard one of these?" She inquired.
"Yeah, yeah it is. So, uh, where exactly is this train heading?"
"You mean you don't know?"
"Know what?"
"That this train doesn't actually go anywhere."
"Wait, what? What does that mean?"
"It means exactly the way it sounds. We're going to Nowhere."
"But where exactly...?" My voice trailed off as my mind drove itself into panic.
Leila’s mother gave me a concerned look while Leila reached out to grab my hand. She smiled at me as if trying to reassure that everything was going to be okay, that Nowhere wasn’t nearly as scary as it sounded. I wonder how she had known how to be so strong, if it had radiated off her mother after all the years they’d been together. A few moments earlier I had viewed her as naive and ignorant to the cruel world around her, and I loved the very idea of the fact that maybe she didn’t have to grow up so fast, but I’d been wrong. Because now I could so clearly see how she had grown up way faster than I thought capable, that she had been trying to be strong for both herself and for her mother, and even now- she was trying to be strong for me. I didn’t understand how such a young girl could be so kind and so strong. She inspired me. She/ was the type of Queen I had wished to be.
I wish- no. It isn’t right for me to wish what I had gone through on a little girl, even if she seemed like she would’ve dealt with hard times much better than I did. It isn’t right for me to wish that on anyone, regardless of age or anything else. It hadn’t been right for me to wish it on my sister. It doesn’t matter how much I think she would’ve been a better Queen, I was the one who was up for the crown. I was the one who was supposed to be in charge of protecting the only home I had ever known. Besides, my sister couldn’t have gotten the crown, she was the youngest and I would’ve had to be dead or unstable or ill. Just like my older sister, who had been taken away for being really sick. It was something that didn’t have a cure, that didn’t even have a name- something new that just popped up inside of her. She decided to leave because she wasn’t sure if she was contagious and she didn’t want it to spread through our community. My older sister was a good person, but she died a few months after she’d left our kingdom. Thus the crown fell to me.
-CHAPTER PAUSE -Lying isn’t better than silence.
I knew that and still I went and let you down.
I didn’t think you’d try to chase me,
didn’t think you’d understand the pain.
I didn’t think you would go,
thought maybe you would flee.
But turns out, I don’t know you at all anymore-
it’s almost like I was the one who had forgot
that love only lasts until you tear it all a part.
You burned my heart
right out of my chest
Sometimes I feel like the irony of death is that you feel more alive than ever before. It is the moment you realize that the small things in life, the things that people dare to call you dramatic over, are more important than the bigger moments in life. People remember the big things, but it is the ones who remember the small things that you should keep. Maybe they forgot your birthday but maybe they also remember talking to you at three in the morning on an array of different topics, from things like wishing on stars and traveling the world to depression and flavors of ice cream. Maybe they remember crying and laughing and laughing until they cried and crying until they laughed, but they can’t remember the day you first met. Maybe they’ve forgotten the sound of your voice and they can no longer picture your face, but maybe they still remember you screaming your favorite songs on the radio with the window down, and maybe they remembered how happy you looked when you found out that you didn’t have to be anything but who you are. And maybe they don’t remember what color your eyes are or what your horoscope is, but maybe they remember how your eyes seemed to light up when you first saw the ocean and maybe they remember the long conversations about horoscopes and compatibility that you forced them to listen to. Maybe they’ve forgotten everything you wished they had remembered, but maybe they remembered everything they wished you hadn’t forgotten.
She was the kind of girl who remembered the small stuff. I didn't understand that when I was alive, but I understand it now. I am only a part of her past, a piece of history she's hoping to forget. I should've known that I didn't have enough time to move on. I should've told her, but I didn't, because I couldn't let her stay. She would've stayed if she knew I was sick, but she would've felt trapped and I still think that's the worst feeling. I loved her, and so with my last breath, I'm sending her to you, El. I'm sending her to magic. She has to believe that there's something worth living for. She has to believe in herself.
Love always,
your sidekick
p.s. please keep her safe.
Sometimes i don’t understand why i feel the way i do. Sometimes i don’t understand how i am feeling like i ji8st can’t figure it out and it’s like i am feeling numbbonly im not really i just cant figure out the correct words to explain or describe to anyone, including myself. Sometimes i can’t tell whether i am inside or outside my head sometimes i can’t tell if this is really happening or if it’s a hallucinstion or a dream. Sometimes i can’t tell dreams and memories apart nbecause they merge right into each other because that’s all i can really think to do and i try- i try so very hard to stop myself before i fall into my head way too deep before i get too lost to the point i’m unable to pull myself back up. I can’t allow myself to drown or to fall deeper into a whole. I am looking to see justice for all those who have been wronged, but i think that the worst part is not having the control to just automatically change what everyone is going through into something else something happier and upbeat- something that doesn’t sound like a version of the pledge of allegience only to selfharm and not a country. I can’t just make everyone okay i can’t just take away their suffering and it doesn’t matter how much i wish i could save them i can’t- they have to save themselves they have to want the help and to be willing to change their ways and they have to challenge their thoughts all of the time and not just when they are on the spot.
They have to show that they care and that they have the capability of connecting with others despite how others may view them or even how they view themselves. They have to be willing to stop in for a little bit in order to get on thr right of help;ing themselves instead of thinking that medication will help or that drugs will make them forget or if they do some sort of reckless behavior often enough that they’ll forget their pain and all that they have gone through. You want to be able to tell them that hey you can do this with only a little bit of effort but trhat’s a lie because it takes hella effort and lots of fighting with yourself and being misunderstood by everyone around you. It could lead you to thiking things like hey i’m insane or crazy or just something that is worthless and that shoulsn’t exist
i just posted a bunch of random writing bits lol
The only thing I want is for you to be happy
So stop trying to throw me under the bus
'cause I'd throw myself in front of a bus for you
(and not because I'm suicidal but because-)
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
Oh apparently I've already mentioned my monthly ice cream reminder, oops :/