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trying to feel like me again
message 7301:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 26, 2019 08:03PM
Tea is good
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I wish that was enough to want to live
Allison called my mom today but mom had been asleep when she called
That means she's alive and hopefully she's okay as well
Unless it wasn't her calling but somebody else who'd found her phone
And I'm trying to believe that she's happy and that she's okay
But I'm always going to be afraid that she's not
She deserves much better than to worry over someone like me
She should hate me, and yet, I don't think she does
She's probably going to be the most angry and the most sad when I die
I mean we always talked about her funeral plans, but we never talked about mine
I don't want there to be a room of sad people who cry because they cared and who believe I never saw it, or who's only thought is about how suicide is a sin because who the fuck cares?
And maybe that's enough of a reason for other people to live and maybe that's who cares
But if killing myself is a sin, well, it's only one of many
I feel bad for the girl I'm in love with. I tried to kill myself in the same month I confessed to her
It wasn't my plan and it's not her fault
Does anyone really plan their suicide?
I've probably ruined our entire friendship and I really don't want to do that because I think she's the most important person in my life, except maybe the inner circle of my family and maybe even more than them
That's an ironic thought because who would've thought I would've gone down this far again
Actually this is further than I went last time
Just random, stupid little things but I know that I shouldn't
I don't want to sound impatient, but I don't want her to think I'm pushing her away either
I want to tell her about all the things on the bucket list I've done and give new ideas and I want us to just talk without being afraid or feel like the other person is expecting something from us
I want her to know that I'm no longer afraid of her and yet I'm afraid that I'm going to find some way to destroy her gr8ness and how that thought terrifies me
And I want to tell her that I was wrong and I was stupid and I think I might just tell her that one, only it'll just stay in a Google docs file for months waiting to be sent
I love her and that makes me a terrible person
Because I'm a burden and that'll never change
Also let's talk about all the songs on Erin's mind right now:https://youtu.be/EaeqBjsgBj4
https://youtu.be/7ZVMN70Kt8Y
https://youtu.be/RKP9UdIcXFk
https://youtu.be/bstxfxXN6qA
https://youtu.be/NN6J-aYI0d4
https://youtu.be/WFNaZpy9ycI - seriously my favorite song rn
~Erin~ wrote: "Because I'm a burden and that'll never change"NO I LOVE YOU
Alex loves Palaye Royale ~They/them~ (The Phoenix Reincarnated) (Shadow of Whales) (Bvbarmy) (aa family) (Royal council) wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Because I'm a burden and that'll never change"NO I LOVE YOU"
I LOVE YOU TOO BUT IT'S STILL TRUE
I really really really want to die right now
Oof I just lowered my reading goal like three times
It looks like this is year is going to be another writing year
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
