it's personal discussion
150+ views
>
trying to feel like me again
message 7251:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 26, 2019 08:15AM
Maybe they won't feel sad or understand it care
reply
|
flag
Maybe they'll just go back to playing with their cars and dinosaurs and singing twinkle twinkle Little Star and other things
And maybe when they get to their ABCs I'll just be a faded memory.
And they'll never think about how I wanted to be sure the one to teach them how to read the write because that's all I can do
They're never going to see how lucky they are
To be loved so much by a broken family
And when a child tells you they can't stop crying and you tell them yes they can, know that you're right but also know that you're wrong because when you're younger sometimes you cry and you can't get yourself to stop crying because all of your problems feel so much bigger than you and you just know how to hurt and you can't remember anything else
I know because this is what my anxiety felt like at first, back when I'd cry in class over anything or just when my mom would look at me in a way that made me feel like she too wished I was never born
So when they cry just fucking understand that that's all they have right now that you're all they have because their world might be small but it's your job to just there guide them through it
It's not your job to scream at them to shut up because eventually they'll never talk to you or maybe anyone again and it's going to be your fault and you're going to regret it
And I'm not trying to be a smartass or tell you how to raise a child, I'm just trying to say that my mom fucked up and so did I and that is all we have. We can try to fix it, but first we have to communicate, and I'm just trying to say don't lose that
And yes- the world fucking sucks. LIFE SUCKS. Okay but so what? Are you really just going to quit because everything will always keep sucking, even if there are some good moments? I mean it's up to you but maybe you should try to say sorry without expecting forgiveness and maybe then you'll understand what it feels like to cry and not be able to stop
Maybe it's all in our heads but that doesn't make it feel any less real
Not every tear can be caught
And not every skinned knee needs a bandaid
Apurva wrote: "Are comments allowed in here?"Yep :)
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Not everything broken can be fixed"I know what it is to feel like that..."
Yeah, it sucks but the sooner we all accept it, the better off the world might be
Apurva wrote: "You're really relatable Erin..."Thanks. I don't try to be so maybe that's why XD
I get you. Losing friends is a part of life, whether we like it or not. I mean, who actually likes losing friends? Some of us might say we want it just because it feels easier to be alone, but once you're alone you realize how hard that actually is. It's even worse once you get used to the idea of having people around you, even if before you met them you were always alone. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel like we all learn the hard way. We pretend that there's an easy way, trying to make ourselves feel better for taking the road less traveled by, but I think in the end we all end up here. Losing people we can't get back. It's a factor of life. I'm not going to say everything happens for a reason because quite frankly, I don't believe that. However, I do believe we all have the power to grow, if we only learn to accept everything that's come to be, even if that something is really shitty and it gives you trauma or it changes your life I'm a way you'll never come back from.
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "You're really relatable Erin..."Thanks. I don't try to be so maybe that's why XD"
That's true. Those who don't try are the most effective."
True true
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "I get you. Losing friends is a part of life, whether we like it or not. I mean, who actually likes losing friends? Some of us might say we want it just because it feels easier to be ..."I think you're lucky to have gotten to keep your friends for so long. You got to know them, go through ups and downs with them, experience what life was like with them. And yeah, maybe they've left after all of that and it just doesn't make any sense and maybe you're still caring while it feels like they've moved on and couldn't care any less, but the thing is you still had them before. Use what you learned from them through all those years and keep going. Keep going because that's just what they're going to do too. It's okay to miss them and to want them back and to wonder what went wrong, but you can't keep waiting for them to come back or there will be nothing left for them to come back to. You gotta just keep moving forward. Make new friends and memories and experiences, and I know that can feel like you're betraying them or replacing them but you're not. We're all just trying to figure out this life thing, and people come and go, but we can't standby and watch them drift further away for forever.
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "I get you. Losing friends is a part of life, whether we like it or not. I mean, who actually likes losing friends? Some of us might say we want it just ..."I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you lost. It's just I don't have a single friend from Kindergarten anymore. I had them for maybe a year or two, and that was it. You had all that time to get close to them, and I wish I had that. So I just think maybe instead of thinking about how you've lost them, you should just remember what you had with them.
Btw I'm not trying to make what you feel any less important by bringing up my experience, I'm just trying to say that it's okay to feel sad about what you've lost but remember to appreciate it too.
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "I get you. Losing friends is a part of life, whether we like it or not. I mean, who actually likes losing friends? Some of..."I'm glad :) It took me awhile to appreciate the memories of people I've lost too so I get it
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "*hugs back tightly*"Can I get in there if you don't mind?? :)"
Of courseeee *hugs* Hugs should always be free, unless they're not
Seriously tho irl life I'm an asshole when it comes to hugs
Like I can only hug people that I'm super close with and sometimes not even then
And Bill pisses me off because he can't accept that
Like I'm not sure if mom told him or not or if he even knows but I literally had a dream where he shot me and so excuse me for not feeling all huggy
And even if it was just with a robot that doesn't mean he still didn't try to cheat on her with other people
My mom forgets all the shit he put us through
Like yeah maybe he's not Matt and doing drugs and screaming and bitching all the time but he still has his problems, just saying
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Seriously tho irl life I'm an asshole when it comes to hugs"But this ain't real life, so I'm gonna crush ya bones with mah hug! *Bone crushing hug*"
True though!! *Bone crushing hugs back*
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Seriously tho irl life I'm an asshole when it comes to hugs"Don't call yourself that!!!"
Too late and it's kinda true. I didn't hug family members correctly at a reunion once and so I kinda just hated hugging everyone since then
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Plus he cheated on my mom wtf"Oh, that's a good reason for not being a hugger."
Ikr!!! And I feel like he's trying to pretend it never happened but it did and I'm not going to cut him slack just because he's bought me another guitar and books because objects are nothing compared to my mother's happiness
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Like I'm not sure if mom told him or not or if he even knows but I literally had a dream where he shot me and so excuse me for not feeling all huggy"Of course."
Yeah, and my mom's like it's just a dream he'll never hurt you but then when she has dreams it's such a big deal
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "My mom forgets all the shit he put us through"Moms do that all the time..."
Oh good, so my mom isn't as shitty as I make her out to be XD
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "And even if it was just with a robot that doesn't mean he still didn't try to cheat on her with other people"True..."
Okay but thank you because for a moment I thought I was just going crazy about all of this
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Seriously tho irl life I'm an asshole when it comes to hugs"But this ain't real life, so I'm gonna crush ya bones with mah hug! *Bone crushing hug*"
..."
*triples bone crushing hugs*
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Seriously tho irl life I'm an asshole when it comes to hugs"Don't call yourself that!!!"
Too late and it's kinda true. I didn't hug family members co..."
That's what I thought but then they told me about how our family never half hugs and I'm just like I only see most of you once a year so what's the point? Just give me some anxiety for doing another imperfect thing, why don't you? Of course I didn't actually say that to them but I was probably thinking it
Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Apurva wrote: "~Erin~ wrote: "Plus he cheated on my mom wtf"Oh, that's a good reason for not being a hugger."
Ikr!!! And I feel like he's trying to pretend it never happened but i..."
Me too!!! And it sucks because sometimes it's like she can't even understand why I hate it and it's just she's so cruel to herself and it hurts because it's like she doesn't even realize she's letting it show
I seriously do love my mom but I think it'd probably be better if we were further a part because she just doesn't understand and it's not like I want her to hurt but l just wish she could really see me
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
