it's personal discussion
150+ views
>
trying to feel like me again
message 7201:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 26, 2019 07:46AM
Mom told me to talk to her about how I was feeling
reply
|
flag
She told me I could write a letter if I couldn't speak
She understands me but she's being stupid
And it hurts because I honestly just want her to be happy
My nephew just started crying/screaming really loudly because my mom told him he couldn't draw in reading books
I didn't even think he was allowed to have anything to draw with because he kept drawing on the walls
It gives me flashbacks to moments I wish had never happened
And I yelled at one of them yesterday and then I ended up feeling like shit
It's just they don't listen and they do things they're not supposed to do
I've been awake for like only twoish hours but I'm already so tired again
I hate how they can make me feel so bad for things they don't even understand
And it's like they're just children but one day they're going to grow up and see that the world is cruel and that it is much bigger than they could've ever imagined
And they're going to grow up and not remember any of this, and they'll be crying by themselves because everyone says they cry to much
And they'll be fighting while wishing they were close
I wish we'd all stop screwing up our lives but I'm still the worst
I can't wait to leave because as much as I love them I hate them because they've made it so easy for me to hate myself and yet so easy to feel guilty about wishing I was dead and it's unfair that they can have so much power
I keep thinking about Allison and I wonder how she's been
I don't know what's going on in her head but I wish I did
And I hope she knows I love her and that I'm sorry our plans aren't going to work out because she's living her life and I'm planning on ending mine
And I hate myself for never knowing what to say
And I hate myself for just wishing all of this away
And I'm just so tired and so sick and do fucking annoyed
And I don't know how much longer I can pretend that the only reason I hate myself is because I'm not perfect
They're so spoiled and selfish. My nephews, I mean.
And they can just cry and scream about not getting to watch a movie when they could be crying about so many other things
Like how they're family is falling a part
Or how every time they're parents see each other they argue and get upset
Or how they're father used to abuse their mother and now every time he comes over to drop them off or pick them up their mother's new boyfriend is looking out the window afraid she'll end up hurt
Or how they're mother can easily be kicked out at any moment
Or how we could all be kicked out because of their crying and screaming and their footsteps because we have too many people living in our house
And they're just so stupid and young and naive and it pisses me off
It's like they're blinded to all the broken things and their stuck in their rose-tinted glasses and they'll never see how many people love them and how many people are so afraid of losing them
Or how they can't eat whenever they want because we're poor and we're trying to get their mother out and the more they eat the more she has to spend on food
And we just don't have the time to pick up all of their messes and to watch them 24/7 and to listen to them bitch and whine and complain about all these little things when nobody is happy because the world is just sucking
They make me feel like shit for yelling
When there is so many other problems they ignore or can't see
I can't even tell them this because I want them to enjoy the world while they can
And they wouldn't understand it anyway
I just keep crying over how fucked up all of this is
I'm their aunt and I don't even want to be there
They have so many other aunts and so if I die now maybe they won't remember me
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
