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trying to feel like me again
message 6951:
by
kavi ~he-him~
(new)
Jan 19, 2019 11:22AM
ERIN
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*hugs both back tightly* Thank yous. I love yous too.
But I'm an asshole because I keep trying to ruin everything so I'm sorry
And me not being alone is a part of the problem because if I was maybe this would be easier
I tried to kill myself today. Again. Because that's just the kind of terrible person I am. First I was just cutting myself with Staples and then scissors and then I decided to wrap a bandanna around my throat and pull as hard as I could. And it was weird because for like an hour and a half the thought of dying made me so fucking happy
And the thing that stopped me? It was the realization I hadn't read my sister's favorite book yet so I'm reading it now
She's the one who convinced me to live last time
And I'm too scared to talk to her because she doesn't deserve this but I can't talk to my mom because she'll want to send me to the hospital and I don't want to go
And I'm going to have to lie to that doctor and on that sheet of paper or my mom will know everything
Actually before I even tried cutting myself I was asking the gods to kill me because then it wouldn't really be suicide
I wonder how many others have asked the gods to kill them
I once believed I could be saved but now I'm sure I was wrong
I've written words that don't mean a thing
It's only January and I've already tried to kill myself.
This was how Allison found out about it the first time. I wrote about it.
I'm just going to keep writing until I have nothing left to say.
If I told her, she'd talk about how I'm smart and beautiful, how I get good grades, how I was never really the problem child
I was never the problem child because of my selfishness.
I think, let it come as a surprise, maybe they'll be so numb they'll forget to cry
I don't want a funeral. I just want to be thrown into a fire or an ocean or something
Let me choke on the flames, the same flames that told me one day I'd be enough
They mocked me, now they can destroy me, burn me
I don't have a reason to be alive right now
And I'm still waiting for my heart to be broken
I'm just another stranger who claims to be alive
It's easy to love the broken when you're addicted to pain
I'm not even going to graduate high school
I didn't want to be the school's puppet
I wanted to be valedictorian just so I could write a speech that'd most likely give me hella anxiety
I was going to try to go to Interlochen again or BC for the theatre program
I was going to try to get the honors diploma and join a bunch of clubs next year and take hard core classes and aim for CCP and I was going to write a review for that one book that I was going to let my sister read and I was going to give her a list of books and I was going to try to get into Harvard or go to Australia or anywhere because I just wanted to travel
I was supposed to be getting better but I guess this means I can finally see how much my medication has actually been repressing
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
