it's personal discussion
150+ views
>
trying to feel like me again
message 6801:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 13, 2019 05:00PM
MAYBE HER LIFE WOULD'VE BEEN EASIER AND MY BEST FRIEND WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SUFFER
reply
|
flag
AND I WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE I WAS GOING TO BECOME HIM
I'D RATHER CALL BILL MY FATHER AND THAT'S SAYING A LOT BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM
BUT AT LEASTB HE CARES ABOUT MY MOM AND ABOUT US, AND I'VE REALLY BEEN AN ASSHOLE TO HIM BUT I'M JUST AFRAID HE'S GOING TO HURT MY MOM AGAIN AND I DON'T WANT THAT
I MEAN HE TRIED TO CHEAT ON HER AND HE STALKED US AND SENT ALL THOSE TERRIBLE MESSAGES, AND THEN SHE JUST TAKES HIM BACK SO EASILY
I WILL ALWAYS THINK SHE DESERVES BETTER BECAUSE SHE DOES AND SHE JUST DOESN'T SEE IT, TOO BLINDED BY THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE, AND I DON'T BLAME HER BECAUSE I AM GOING TO LEAVE
AND I AM NOT GOING TO LOOK BEHIND ME WHEN I DO. I AM GOING TO LEAVE AND MAKE MY OWN LIFE AND JOURNEY AND GO ON MILLIONS OF ADVENTURES TO DISCOVER JUST WHO I AM AND WHO I WANT TO BE
I GUESS IT'S JUST EASIER GOT ME TO BE SAD THAN IT IS TO ACCEPT BEING HAPPY
I MEAN MAYBE I DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE HAPPY
BECAUSE I AM NOT AT ALL WHO I SAY I AM
AND I KEEP TELLING EVERYONE I DO IN FEAR OF LOOKING LOST BUT THE TRUTH IS I AM LOST, I AM SO FUCKING LOST AND SCARED BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
AND THESE MIGHT BE THE KIND OF THINGS I SHOULD BE REPORTING TO MY MOTHER BUT ONCE AGAIN I DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN BECAUSE SHE SAYS THAT I'M NOT AND I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE
I WILL ALWAYS BE A BURDEN WHICH IS WHY I MUST LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
I THROW JOKES ABOUT DYING AND DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL AND OF WISHING I'D NEVER WAKE UP AGAIN AT HER AND IT ISN'T FAIR, I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T STOP
THE SOONER I LEAVE, THE BETTER FOR ALL OF US
I DON'T THINK I'M EVER GOING TO GET BETTER
AND I THINK THAT BECAUSE I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF THAT'S WHAT I WANT
A PART OF ME NEEDS WANTING TO DIE AS AN ALTERNATIVE OPTION
BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT OPTION ALL I HAVE IS LIVING AND WAITING FOR LIFE TO DECIDE I AM NO LONGER NEEDED
AND I'D MUCH RATHER DIE KNOWING WHEN AND ON MY OWN TERMS, THEN LETTING IT BE A SURPRISE
I SUPPOSE IT'D BE A SURPRISE EITHER WAY
I AM SCARED OF DYING BUT I AM MORE TERRIFIED OF STAYING ALIVE
THE LONGER I LIVE, THE ;LONGER I DO THINGS LIKE THIS
THIS NEGATIVITY AND SADNESS AND ASSHOLISH REMARKS
I wish I wanted to be happy but I can't even figure out what that means for me, outside of the dictionary definition
This journal is about wanting to love myself. Its title is after a musical about trying to discover self-love
I should've know there'd be negative days like this
Taking a hiatus wasn't getting rid of the negativity, it just stopped spreading it from me for a little while
welp Erin is going to go do homework and cry over her new found realizations about how she wants to live and also wants to die but doesn't know how that can be, so she'll see y'all later.
OKAY CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT COUNTRY IS THE FUCKING LION
IT KEEPS SAYING I'M WRONG AND GOOGLE ISN'T BEING HELPFUL AND I'M GETTING PISSED OFF
RUSSIA= BEARUNITED STATES= EAGLE
SLAIN DRAGON= CHINA
?????= LION
I LIKE HOW CHINA IS THE ONLY ONE THAT GOT IT'S ANIMAL FIRST
ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW COOL SLAIN DRAGOS ARE COMPARED TO LIONS AND BEARS AND EAGLES (OH MY)
I JUST RANDOMLY THOUGHT OF THE IMPEARLISM COUNTRIES I HADN'T LISTED AND I GOT IT
INCLUDING NOT TO TRUST FOXES UNTIL THEY BECOME YOUR FRIENDS
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
