it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 6751:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 13, 2019 04:38PM
BUT I WANNA WRITE *CRIES*
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WE'RE MESSAGING RIGHT NOW ABOUT PREVIOUS VIDEOS BECAUSE THAT'S LITERALLY HER AND I'M ME SO I GOTTA REMIND HER ABOUT THE PAST XD
PLUS SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE'S GOING TO BE MOVING SOON WHICH MEANS I'M GOING TO SEE HER LESS THAN I ALREADY DO
I MEAN, NOT REALLY, BUT YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS
WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER, WE USED TO TALK ABOUT HOW IN THE FUTURE WE'D LIVE TOGETHER
I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF SHE WANTS THAT ANYMORE
I'M STICKING TO CAPS JUST BECAUSE I LIKE CAPS BTW XD
BUT LIKE I'M GOING TO BE GOING TO COLLEGE IN A FEW YEARS AND I'M NOT SURE HOW FAR I'LL BE GOING BUT I KINDA REALLY WANT TO GO FAR AWAY JUST BECAUSE THT MEANS I'M STARTING MY TRAVEL PLANS
I JUST, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HER ALONE OR MAKE HER FEEL LIKE I'M ABANDONING EVERYTHING WE'VE PLANNED
BECAUSE I'M HONESTLY NOT SURE IF I'M COMING BACK
I MEAN, TRAVELING IS KINDA EXPENSIVE AND I'M ALREADY GOING TO BE A BROKE COLLEGE STUDENT
I FEEL BAD BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE TOO BUT SHE ENDED UP NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M GOING TO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
I JUST KNOW THAT IT'S BETTER IF I GO RIGHT WHEN I GET OUT OR MY MOM WE'LL LOSE WHATEVER THING SHE GETS FROM THE GOVERNMENT FOR ME
I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER OR ANYONE
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS PART OF ME THAT JUST WANTS TO GIVE UP
THAT JUST WANTS TO DIE AND NOT EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT WHO LOVES ME OR ANYTHING AT ALL
AND IT'S LIKE THE ONLY REASON I'M ALIVE IS BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME TOO
AND I THINK IT'S STARTING AGAIN, MOM COMPARING MARY AND ME
AND I DON'T WANT TO TELL HER TO STOP BUT I WISH SHE WOULD
AND I DON'T WANT TO TELL HER THAT THIS IS HOW ALL THE BAD THOUGHTS BEGAN BECAUSE SHE FINDS ME PERFECT COMPARED TO MARY AND THE THING IS I'M NOT
WE BOTH MAKE UP FOR THE THINGS THE OTHER LACKS BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER
SHE CAN COOK AND LAUGH AND SING WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD, AND SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO WITH HER LIFE MEANWHILE I'M AFRAID OF KNOWING BECAUSE IF I KNOW THEN IT COMES WITH THE GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT THAT I'LL NEVER GET THERE BECAUSE I'LL NEVER WANT IT AS MUCH AS I THINK I DO
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO COMPARING US
MOM TOLD ME THAT THE REASON WHY SHE COULDN'T SEE MY MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS WAS BECAUSE I GOT GOOD GRADES, THAT SHE HEARD ALLISON TELL HER BUT SHE COULDN'T SEE IT SO SHE IGNORED IT
I DIDN'T TELL HER THIS, BUT THE REASON WHY I MADE GOOD GRADES WAS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HER TO SEE IT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANY PROBLEMS I WANTED TO BE AS PERFECT AS SHE THOUGHT ME TO BE
AND SHE CAN KEEP TALKING AND BRAGGING ABOUT MY GOOD GRADES, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT IN THEM IF I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIVE?
I TOLD MY MOM I WASN'T SUICIDAL ANYMORE
IS THIS SUICIDAL BECAUSE I CAN'T RECOGNIZE THIS
THIS FEAR OF DYING- I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID
I STILL THINK ABOUT HOW I SHOULD'VE NEVER BEEN BORN AND THAT'S A TERRIBLE THOUGHT BECAUSE THEN ALEC WOULDN'T BE HERE EITHER
AND THAT'S A REALLY SELFISH THING OF ME
IT'S JUST MY FATHER IS AN ASSHOLE AND I WISH MY MOM HAD NEVER GOT CAUGHT UP WITH HIM, I WISH SHE HAD NEVER MET HIM
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
