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trying to feel like me again
message 6201:
by
Erin
(new)
Aug 05, 2018 04:48PM
I'm not supposed to let my mom affect my thoughts like this
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I've been ignoring all my friends and trying so hard to push them away
And my mom's boyfriend is just playing video games in the other room so oblivious to the fact that I just tried to die
Maybe I'm using my family as an excuse to hide that fact
I'm never going to be okay. Why did I allow myself to believe that my mom would try to get me help? She never keeps her promises unless they benefit her.
I'm sorry. I know I said I'd be coming back to Goodreads soon, but I think I might just leave completely.
*hugs back tightly* Sorry I didn't see your comment before I got off
GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS I'M ALIVE HOLY SHIT
Wow, it seems I still haven't fixed that language problem, huh?
So I know I was like all depressed and stuff the last time I was here and like I said I changed my mind on coming back and stuff but let's pretend that that didn't happen this month or even this year (seriously I have family members who'd be really upset and angry if they knew) but I'm here!
I HAVE NEWS! Well kinda. MY MOM'S ACTUALLY GETTING ME ANXIETY MEDICATION WHOO!!! IT'S BEEN LIKE FIVE MONTHS!!! It's some natural thing and it's like $50 but she's getting it. Except she could totally end up not getting it and breaking my little old heart again, making my hopes way too high...but shh. Who's hopes are high? Not mine, not mine.
I'm actually kinda terrified of them not working. Like my family is poor and $50? That's a lot of money for something that doesn't work and it's kinda scary because my mom's boyfriend keeps making it seem like he's going to quit or get fired from his job soon, and that'll just make a lot of matters worse. If he does leave his job, mom will probably end up throwing him out because the deal was that he had to keep a job. And if he doesn't he'd be putting us in a lot of trouble. I mean I might not like the dude but she might go back to Matt if Bill leaves, and that's not something we can risk. Speaking of Matt, he recently shot his foot like an idiot and he keeps having the nerve to ask my mom for help.
Anyhoo, I'm trying to be positive about them working.
My mom finally signed my sister and me up for school as well so yay! Our open house is tomorrow and I'm actually starting to become excited, ever since I talked to Mary about school I've been excite but not enough to make me avoid being super anxious
Madison keeps saying she hates Mary now
It's kinda one of the worst feelings I've ever felt. Like watching your sisters just all fall apart and doing nothing being able to do nothing to fix it
And like I understand her reasoning but I just can't feel the same way
And Mary was saying that she has honors English and nobody believed her and when Madison spoke her reasoning to me it only made me feel like shit
Like I get it seems impossible because she was called mentally retarded just last year but idk
I just don't think she'd lie like that
Madison said that it makes no sense and that it pisses her off because I worked so hard to get the class
Maybe I'm too trusting to everyone who isn't me
I just think I should believe in something until proven otherwise or something like that idk
I guess that means I have too much evidence stacked up against myself, haha
I'm so terrified of losing one of them and it's so selfish of me because I'm always thinking of ways that they can lose me when they probably feel the same way
I managed to get out of going shopping with my family this morning by being super tired but I ended up getting out of bed as soon as they left. Honestly, I just wanted to be alone. Plus the sun from the window was just too bright XD
I feel bad because my mom was super excited about shopping but I really just needed a break so I could let my guard down some. These past few days have been so hectic and I don't know. I'm just super scared about school.
I made a schedule like I do every year but who knows if I'll actually follow it
I wonder if I should actually be calling her Madison on here though :/
I mean I have to in front of family and stuff, so I'm not sure what she'd prefer
I don't remember what he changed his name to though because it'd been Mason but then he changed it again
I'm at least going to try getting better at using his pronouns, although it's hard to use them when he doesn't want to tell Mom yet
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
