it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 6001:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 02, 2018 11:12PM
My whole body hurts right now
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I seriously want to get back into roleplaying this month and writing and that Harry Potter game, and you know, not allow my depression to take everything I love from me
I also think that my mom's pushing back getting me the mental help I need because of how bad her health is right now and I don't blame her but my mental health has gotten like way worse in the past week
And it was already hard enough waiting until school was over and the only thing that I was looking forward to this summer was getting help
Too much or not enough and it's not okay
I can't keep doing this. I can't sleep
I'm not going to be able to sleep the entire day away again
My sleep medicine isn't even a choice right now bc I think we packed it
I seriously just want to cry right now because I feel like shit and yet in still awake and I can't keep doing this to myself
I can't let myself feel or I'll crash.
I just feel like I'm going to throw up all the time and it's not fun
I haven't done anything right in awhile
I ended up writing this:I allowed a dog to become my coping mechanism for your absence. I allowed myself to pet her and to play with her and to laugh with her to distract myself from how your voice was no longer around. I didn't want to think about how the house was starting to become more and more quiet, how if I paid close enough attention I could hear myself breathing. I didn't want to hear my breathing because then I'll panic and then I'll stop breathing and gods, this is so freaking hard. And now that dog is gone and you're gone and everything is leaving and nothing is the same anymore and so I keep writing all these sentences that run on too long, waiting and waiting and waiting for something, for someone, that'll never come back. I think that that's why I stay up at night, at night it's supposed to be quiet. I can pretend that you're still there and that nothing has disappeared and like the old problems of me not getting enough sleep is all that matters is the only thing that's wrong as if my depression hasn't gotten worse, as if my anxiety hasn't started to squeeze the fingers it has long had wrapped around my throat, tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter. I can't do this anymore. I fucking love you and it feels like you don't even know that anymore and I'm sorry. I wish I could really talk to you.
So I kinda really want to die right now like I haven't felt this way in awhile and it hurts so freaking bad because I have so much to live for and I should stop wanting to die and I should be focused on fixing myself but I'm not and I can't. And I seriously need mental help right now but I can't get it and I think my mom might be pushing back getting me into counseling or doing anything with me because of how bad her health is right now and I understand that and I want her to take care of herself but I don't think I can handle it being pushed back for too long. I'm sorry. Because of this terrible feeling, I'm leaving Goodreads. I'm too depressed to be on here and nothing is fun anymore and I hate everything I post. I haven't responded to my roleplays in forever that people probably think I never will and it hurts because I kept saying I was coming back and it's something I love doing, but my mindset is so terrible right now that I honestly can't be on here anymore. I'm not deleting my account, I'm just not going to be on. I don't know for how long. I guess I'm going to focus on writing or reading those books that I'm supposed to be reviewing that I've ignored. I can't be on here, though, besides to post reviews and of course I'll probably still answer messages since they show up in my email so feel free to send me one if you ever need someone to talk to, although my responses may not be super quick. Anyways, I wish y'all the best in life and thanks for being awesome. I love ya :)
NUUUUUU ERIN :( *hugs* I'll miss you <3333333 I love you
I'm sorry but I just really need to take a mental break right now, but you'll probably see the most of me though because I'll still be on Twitter at least somewhat, especially next month with Camp NaNoWriMo when I'm constantly tweeting about word count XD *hugs back* But I'll miss you too! <3333333 I love you too!
I understand *Hugs* I love you
I'm back, at least for the night before I vanish again
I'm still in a really bad mindset with no mental help, but whoo I'm alive
Camp NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow and I'm so excite.
Of course I'll have to go through the process of waking up and living a few hours until it starts since it's five am where I am
Lolol I'm a mess, I said night but if it wasn't summer I'd be getting ready for school and this would be morning
I don't know why I suddenly replied to one roleplay
I don't have motivation to respond to the rest
I keep thinking about how maybe I made that post too long and shouldn't of added more than one house elf but idk
I've been avoiding everyone even though I said I wasn't going to isolate myself
I'm probably going to be homeschooled and all my irl will be too busy to talk to me and then it wouldn't be me isolating myself
I keep thinking about the summer homework I didn't do and I'm worried that my mom will end up somehow changing her mind
I'm being kinda paranoid right now because I keep hearing noises
I kept trying to write but all that resulted in was a lot of crumpled paper
I started listening to the audiobook version of Challenger Deep before I started to have a panic attack
I feel like I can hear breathing and it's so freaking loud or maybe it's snoring idk
The house suddenly sounds so loud after what was quiet, like not silent but quiet
I think it might be raining but that might just be the air condition thingy. I'm not sure
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
