The Da Vinci Code
question
What if Robert Langdon from The Da Vinci Code had not found the resting place of Mary Magdalene? What if he had found instead that it was all a hoax? ( amusing replies will be entertained) :)
Then, i dare say that he would have grabbed his jumper, his Todd´s and stormed out of the place, running as fast as he could to the nearest therapist, in order to vent his disapointment.
After that, he would have jumped the 1st plane to Oxford, and buried his shame in numerous lectures, which no one would attend, because of his failure.
After that, he would have jumped the 1st plane to Oxford, and buried his shame in numerous lectures, which no one would attend, because of his failure.
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1. Dan Brown would not have written it that way.
2. If he tried, his editor/ agent/ publisher would have sent his manuscript back to be changed.
The Da Vinci Code is suspense writing by numbers. It's a book written to a recipe. You take the historic (and slightly ludicrous) clues from Indiana Jones, throw in a cartoon bad guy, threatened end of the world, mix in a bit of travelogue about somewhere exotic, season with a bit of conspiracy theory and pace it like a series of 24. Repeat.
So there was absolutely zero chance that it was going to be a hoax.
A Dan Brown novel is a bit like a rollercoaster. It's all very flashy and superficially exciting. You know that you are going to be whizzed up and down in a very dramatic fashion but in the end you finish exactly where you started just a bit wetter and poorer, until you queue up to do it all over again with only slight variations from every other rollercoaster you've ever been on.
2. If he tried, his editor/ agent/ publisher would have sent his manuscript back to be changed.
The Da Vinci Code is suspense writing by numbers. It's a book written to a recipe. You take the historic (and slightly ludicrous) clues from Indiana Jones, throw in a cartoon bad guy, threatened end of the world, mix in a bit of travelogue about somewhere exotic, season with a bit of conspiracy theory and pace it like a series of 24. Repeat.
So there was absolutely zero chance that it was going to be a hoax.
A Dan Brown novel is a bit like a rollercoaster. It's all very flashy and superficially exciting. You know that you are going to be whizzed up and down in a very dramatic fashion but in the end you finish exactly where you started just a bit wetter and poorer, until you queue up to do it all over again with only slight variations from every other rollercoaster you've ever been on.
Okay so here's my ridiculous hoax ending:
Robert Langdon studied the entrance to the volt with a passion known only to Harvard University professors who don't actually teach any classes but find time to swim daily. Crossing the threshold of the ancient lair Langon felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand frozen, as if magnetized by an electric slide. He walked to the wall, on it a portrait of Mary Magadelene looking at her only child dying on the cross. But there was something wrong, something only a symbolist could possibly spot, in the background of the photo was Kanya West... Photobombing the passion!
Langdon rubbed his brow feeling the sweat and the exhaustion of the journey that came to nothing.
"Sucks huh?" came a voice from behind him.
The professor spun around to see Nick Cage from National Treasure starring at him.
"What?" Langdon squinted as he had done most of the movie, "what are you doing here? My history is way better and more accurate than yours. Get out!"
"Okay, let me tell you a story." Cage said crossing his lanky legs in front of him, "John Wilkes Booth conspired with Kanye West and the ghost of Thomas Jefferson's robot to set you up. But fortunately my grandfather and father had this priceless bit of information that should have been in the public trust hidden in our house." He stood up very straight and walked right at Langdon, "together we can find the Templar's treasure."
And then Indianna Jones and Lara Croft showed up...
But then Henry Louis Gates JR (A REAL HISTORIAN) arrived just in time and shot them all.
"Who do you think you are?" He said, lighting a cigarette.
Robert Langdon studied the entrance to the volt with a passion known only to Harvard University professors who don't actually teach any classes but find time to swim daily. Crossing the threshold of the ancient lair Langon felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand frozen, as if magnetized by an electric slide. He walked to the wall, on it a portrait of Mary Magadelene looking at her only child dying on the cross. But there was something wrong, something only a symbolist could possibly spot, in the background of the photo was Kanya West... Photobombing the passion!
Langdon rubbed his brow feeling the sweat and the exhaustion of the journey that came to nothing.
"Sucks huh?" came a voice from behind him.
The professor spun around to see Nick Cage from National Treasure starring at him.
"What?" Langdon squinted as he had done most of the movie, "what are you doing here? My history is way better and more accurate than yours. Get out!"
"Okay, let me tell you a story." Cage said crossing his lanky legs in front of him, "John Wilkes Booth conspired with Kanye West and the ghost of Thomas Jefferson's robot to set you up. But fortunately my grandfather and father had this priceless bit of information that should have been in the public trust hidden in our house." He stood up very straight and walked right at Langdon, "together we can find the Templar's treasure."
And then Indianna Jones and Lara Croft showed up...
But then Henry Louis Gates JR (A REAL HISTORIAN) arrived just in time and shot them all.
"Who do you think you are?" He said, lighting a cigarette.
Robert slowly lowered himself into the tomb. He fished around in his pocket for the small flashlight he had brought with him. Even in the dark he knew. He knew finally he was there. After all the lives that had been lost, the lies that had been told, the secrets protected at all cost, he was there. He was mere feet from rewriting the history books once and for all. Every clue had led him here, to Mary.
He drew the flashlight like knight charging into battle. Proudly he thrust the torch into the air and pressed the button bringing truth bearing illumination to the room.
SURPRISE!
Robert stumbled backwards at the sudden screams that confronted him. Glass shattered as he knocked a bowl of punch from the table. His breathing was rapid as he searched the room trying to make sense of it all.
"Mom?" He asked, shinning the light in her face.
"Of course! Do you really think we would forget your birthday?!"
"Happy birthday sweetheart."
He drew the flashlight like knight charging into battle. Proudly he thrust the torch into the air and pressed the button bringing truth bearing illumination to the room.
SURPRISE!
Robert stumbled backwards at the sudden screams that confronted him. Glass shattered as he knocked a bowl of punch from the table. His breathing was rapid as he searched the room trying to make sense of it all.
"Mom?" He asked, shinning the light in her face.
"Of course! Do you really think we would forget your birthday?!"
"Happy birthday sweetheart."
deleted member
Jan 06, 2015 12:09PM
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The whole world paused in awe beside the reknowned Robert Langdon. (Reknowned? Viewpoint lapse in first word of the Prologue?)
A strange winged creature hovered over the Vatican. People flocked and jostled and began wailing in desperate repentance; gnashing their teeth and rending each other's garments.
Some said it was another stunt by absent fathers, but most intuitively knew - the Second Coming was upon the earth.
The wind blew and the sky darkened. Incense cloyed at parched throats making earnest supplication to God.
"Leth me through!" came a hoarse shout from the back.
A little wizened fellow with a large net forced himself to the front. Avoiding the Swiss Guard, he clambered up the front of the Basilica, his teeshirt emblazoned with "Mothman the Catcher."
Teetering perilously atop the golden dome, he leant out towards the apparition and swung his net, missing the creature by an inch.
The crowd gasped in consternation.
He swung the net a second time.
The crowd groaned in terror.
“Don't annoy the Lord!" they shouted as one.
Undaunted, he cast his net a third time.
The creature was trapped!
The crowd almost died in collective fear.
The world held its breath.
The little man stood astride the dome and waved his arms for silence. When finally he spoke his voice was creaky and lisping.
Go back to your homesth!" he cried. "Trusth in my words for I am a Lepidopterithsst!"
"What is your opinion?" the assembled Cardinals all shouted.
The old man let the winged creature go free as he answered,
"It's only a common myth!"
A strange winged creature hovered over the Vatican. People flocked and jostled and began wailing in desperate repentance; gnashing their teeth and rending each other's garments.
Some said it was another stunt by absent fathers, but most intuitively knew - the Second Coming was upon the earth.
The wind blew and the sky darkened. Incense cloyed at parched throats making earnest supplication to God.
"Leth me through!" came a hoarse shout from the back.
A little wizened fellow with a large net forced himself to the front. Avoiding the Swiss Guard, he clambered up the front of the Basilica, his teeshirt emblazoned with "Mothman the Catcher."
Teetering perilously atop the golden dome, he leant out towards the apparition and swung his net, missing the creature by an inch.
The crowd gasped in consternation.
He swung the net a second time.
The crowd groaned in terror.
“Don't annoy the Lord!" they shouted as one.
Undaunted, he cast his net a third time.
The creature was trapped!
The crowd almost died in collective fear.
The world held its breath.
The little man stood astride the dome and waved his arms for silence. When finally he spoke his voice was creaky and lisping.
Go back to your homesth!" he cried. "Trusth in my words for I am a Lepidopterithsst!"
"What is your opinion?" the assembled Cardinals all shouted.
The old man let the winged creature go free as he answered,
"It's only a common myth!"
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