What are some typical self-publishing dilemmas?

[Rosen]

I'm in the process of writing a satirical self-publishing guide called How Not to Self-Publish - The Totally Splendid Hotshot Author’s Survival Guide. It covers a range of scenarios from typical to silly.

Can you suggest any more, please?

I am trying to avoid anything that mentions a brand (e.g. Kindle), anything that is region specific (e.g. dealing with the IRS) and anything that will become dated quickly (e.g. the precise way to upload a book).

‘What to do when…’
Preparation
- You Need a Penname and Shit-Hot Rod Is Already Taken
- Your Debut Novel is About Ancient African Scissor Collecting
- Your Debut Novel is 20,000 Words Long
- You Can’t Conjure a Fifth Adjective for a Little Toe
- You Fancy a Tasty Author Photo But You Look Like the Back End of a Bus
- Your Start-up Capital is 20p
- You Decide to Use a Photo of a Brick Instead of a Cover
- You Feel the Need to Put Brackets in Your Title
- You’re Unsure What to Put in the Illustrator Field
- You Don’t Know How To Price Your Book
- You Hear the Words ‘Vanity Publishing’
Self-Publishing Basics
- A Reviewer Calls You ‘A Talentless Fuck’
- You Get Drawn Into a Forty-Eight Hour War With A Troll
- You’ve Only Got One Review
- A Reader Notices A Typo
- Your Glorified Book Except Is Rejected By Drabble Enthusiasts
- Your First Book Goes Straight to Number 1
- Your Editor Thinks He’s Shakespeare
- Your Editor IS Shakespeare
- Somebody Read Your Book and Hasn’t Reviewed it Yet
- A Fan Mistakes You For Stieg Larsson
- Your Wallet Hears Erotica Calling
- Your Book Gets Pirated
- You Feel the Need to Become a Self-Proclaimed Expert
Marketing and Publicity
- Real Life Clashes With Your Author Brand
- You Buy a Book Called ‘How I Sold One Squillion eBooks’
- Your Quote About Dog Turds Goes Viral
- You Consider Serialising Your Novel to Increase Exposure
- A Website Visitor Searched From Photos of You Naked
- Your Over-Zealous Housemate ‘Frapes’ You
- A Bookshop Manager Calls Your Book a Monstrosity
- A Newspaper Awards You a Prize then Rants About Your Book
Friends and Family
- Forum Friends Suggest A Gathering
- Your Elderly Uncle Puts Your eReader in the Toaster
- You Ask a Friend to Create a Portrait
The Competition
- A Competitor Ask You to Review His Painfully Bad Book
- A Competitor Gets A Book Deal
- Another Author Plagiarises Your Zombie Heptathlon
- Another Author is Disgracing the Name of Indie
- A Jealous Rival Tries to Murder You
- Your Rival Rescues a Drowning Puppy
- Your Partner Prefers Your Rival’s Book
Sex and Romance
- You’re Invited Out on a Date
- Your Partner Doesn’t Read Your Book
- Your Gran Reads Your Anal Sex Scene
- A Reader Gets a Crush on You
- A Reader Stops Having a Crush on You
- Your Love Shouts Your Penname in Bed
- You Shout Your Pen name in Bed
- Your Date Only Wants You For Your Feedback
- Your Ex Sells Your Sext History To The Press
- A Rant You Wrote About Your Ex Would Sell Really Well
Animals
- A Crocodile Eats Your Laptop
- Your Cat Can’t Accept Your Writing Career
- Your Talking Cow Protagonist Puts You Off Beef
- A Fan Posts You A Cat
Handling Fame
- An Unsolicited Novel Lands in Your Inbox
- A Tween Vampire Romance Novelist Wants to Co-Write Your Next Crime Thriller
- You Win an Award
- A Stranger Asks You to Promote a Book with a Typo in the Title
- A Man on the Tube Asks You To Sign His Cock
- A Fellow Writer Offers You Cocaine
- Your Talentless Mate Demands a Part in the Film Adaptation of Your Novel

[B J]

So you're the one who read my debut novel. Those Zulu scissors were great weren't they?

Preparation
You are unsure how to spell most words of more than two syllables.
You think a colon is a pain in the arse.
Your word processing package keeps urging you to re-write sentences.

[B J]

Self-publishing basics:
Why are they so slow to recognise your genius?

[A.L.]

B J wrote: "So you're the one who read my debut novel. Those Zulu scissors were great weren't they?

Preparation
You are unsure how to spell most words of more than two syllables.
You think a colon is a pain i..."
LOL!

[A.L.]

A fan posts you a cat? How random

[B J]

This is fun.

Marketing and Publicity:
Why are people so rude when you helpfully go onto websites to tell them how great your book is?

[Rosen]

B J wrote: "So you're the one who read my debut novel. Those Zulu scissors were great weren't they?

Ha ha! Yup.

I particularly like the colon idea.

Need to go up and look up some of my status updates ranting about Word's grammar check. Anyone got any gems to hand?

A.L. wrote: "A fan posts you a cat? How random"

What, that's never happened to you?

[Rosemary (grooving with the Picts)]

Um, some of these don't seem to have stopped some writers...!

Very funny, thank you

[Bob]

The only blog post anybody ever reads is the one about parsnips
The only friends you have are internet trolls and stray cats
And you have full conversations with inanimate objects. 'How about we fill you up again, Mr Mug.'

[Rosen]

Ha ha - the blog post one is so true!

(I never talk to myself - honest.0

How about the evening UKAKF folks, got anything to add?

[David]

Everyone that discovers you write books has a fantastic idea for your next story

[David]

Your partner is sick of hearing "I sold a book this month".

[Rosen]

David wrote: "Everyone that discovers you write books has a fantastic idea for your next story"

Got that one! (It's in my intro.)

Good idea on the partner one though.

[David]

I did read it, honestly. Must have missed that one. Here's another then:

Your partner starts planning retirement when you happen to sell five books in one day.

[Judy]

You wonder if maybe you should break up your 600,000 word novel or leave it in one piece.

(heard a true story about that. Eep.)

[Jim]

Judy wrote: "You wonder if maybe you should break up your 600,000 word novel or leave it in one piece.

(heard a true story about that. Eep.)"

With Fantasy it might be that you begin to wonder whether the 600,000 word introduction guiding players gently into the world you have created is a little over the top

[Judy]

Sad but true, Jim.

[Rosen]

I don't feel confident to comment on fantasy. I once told a chap at a writers group that his fantasy novel started too slowly, because the first page was world building.

[David]

I write fantasy, Rosen, and I don't like world building blocked at the beginning.

[Rosen]

There was no hook.

[Jim]

There has to be something to grab people

Chandler's Law

When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand.

[Tim]

Everyone tells you "that sounds really great" but nobody buys it.

[Rosen]

Jim wrote: "Chandler's Law

When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand."

Funny you should mention that because I've often used Python Law. When in doubt, shout 'I'll bite your legs off.'

That's come through for me three times so far.

[David]

Jim wrote: "There has to be something to grab people

Chandler's Law

When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand."

Like this?

http://davidhadleyauthor.wordpress.co...

[Jim]

Brilliant! I've posted the link on facebook, too good not to share :-)

[B J]

Nice one, David!

[David]

*Blushes*

[Karen]

The only advice I wd give to anyone considering self-pubbig is... pay for a professional editor/proofreader. At least it gives you the option of someone else to sue :)

[Lynda]

Don't pay the artist on Fiverr who promises you a cover to knock your socks off and delivers a photoshopped monstrosity of a barefooted man in a kangaroo suit for your book on trampolining.

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Lynda wrote: "Don't pay the artist on Fiverr who promises you a cover to knock your socks off and delivers a photoshopped monstrosity of a barefooted man in a kangaroo suit for your book on trampolining."

Its hard to bounce back from that one!

[Lynda]

Ferzackerly!

[Rosen]

Lynda wrote: "Don't pay the artist on Fiverr who promises you a cover to knock your socks off and delivers a photoshopped monstrosity of a barefooted man in a kangaroo suit for your book on trampolining."

Oh that is wonderful. Did that actually happen?

[Jim]

Artistically it should have :-)

[Lynda]

Rosen wrote: "Lynda wrote: "Don't pay the artist on Fiverr who promises you a cover to knock your socks off and delivers a photoshopped monstrosity of a barefooted man in a kangaroo suit for your book on trampol..."

Not to me, no (I've never written a book on trampolining!)but I know at least two people who received less than stellar covers from artists on Fiverr.

Still, it's only 5 dollars, I suppose. I'm so glad I've got Katie.

[Kath]

It's the old thing about paying peanuts and getting monkeys, eh?

[Rosen]

Lynda, would you mind if I use your example, please? I'll credit you with the idea.

Katie is a God-send. She earns every penny at least four times over.

[Lynda]

By all means use it, Rosen. and change it about to make it funnier if you need to.

Agree about Katie 1000%

[Jim]

Kath wrote: "It's the old thing about paying peanuts and getting monkeys, eh?"


It does beg the question, how much of somebody's life do you expect to buy for five dollars?

I'd have thought that an absolute minimum of £20 because it's going to take an hour at least

[Rosen]

This book is fun to write.

[Rosen]

Lynda, I've found it impossible to individually credit everybody who submitted an idea so have put a more generic thanks at the beginning. Is that okay with you? I only pinched a couple sentences from you.

[Lynda]

Of course it is, Rosen. Good heavens, there's no need to fret about thanking me for a simple sentence. I'm just happy I could help.

Glad to hear you're enjoying writing HNTSP.

[Rosen]

Half the book's 'borrowed' from others in one way or another, but your kangaroo comment is particularly distinctive.

[Anna]

Great thread... wish I could say something helpful.

[Rosen]

It's okay. I've got a full book of scenarios now.

Will be looking for people to write additional material for the blog soon, but waiting until I have a couple of examples before publicising here.

[Rosen]

I'm looking for volunteers to write 2-3 paragraphs of humorous advice for the How Not to Self-Publish blog.

David has submitted an example so you can see what I'm looking for. Admittedly contributions don't need to be that long.

http://www.how-not-to-self-publish.co...

Please email rosen.trevithick@gmail.com if you'd like to submit a contribution.

[Karen]

Might just do that, Rosen, as I have quite a bit of experience!

[Rosen]

Please do!

[Jim]

David's comment was interesting and true.

It's amazing how much description people think they can get away with

Then uprose smooth-tongued Nestor, the facile speaker of the Pylians, and the words fell from his lips sweeter than honey.

Up hill and down dale did they go, by straight ways and crooked, and when they reached the heights of many-fountained Ida, they laid their axes to the roots of many a tall branching oak that came thundering down as they felled it. They split the trees and bound them behind the mules, which then wended their way as they best could through the thick brushwood on to the plain.

They don't write like that any more :-)

[Tim]

Stephen King's The Stand... Why write a single sentence when you can take a whole chapter? Glaciers move faster!

[Rosen]

I'm still looking for more contributions.

Please email rosen.trevithick@gmail.com if you are interested in helping out.