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[Betsy]

Loved it

[Cassie]

I think it sounds good. I'm not sure what the normal length of an excerpt is... But I feel this is lengthy. Not a bad thing. I've read it several different times and different ways. I think leaving out the paragraph starting "The sky is darkening..." Could be left out and still hook a reader.
With this being said, if you need a beta reader... I am interested.