Science Fiction Query Letter

[Erin]

Dear Agent,

Fifty years after the devastating Fae war, much of the world remains uneasy.

Owen Williams, loving husband and doting father, is horrified when his wife Tiffany falls prey to the unknown force that turns humans into Fae. After she is killed and anti-Fae forces attempt to kidnap their children, he is forced to flee with his family to the Fae Haven of Tearmann. Upon reaching the Haven, Owen is thrown headfirst into the strange world of the twelve Fae races living under the protection of the Fae Queen. As his children succumb to the change one by one, Owen is confronted with a force that may destroy everything he is trying to protect.

Haven is a science fiction novel complete at around 102,000 words.

[Personalization]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

[Keith]

I'm curious, what do you feel is lacking in this version (from https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...)?


Fifty years after the devastating Fae war, much of the United States remains uneasy.

Owen Williams, loving husband and doting father, is shocked when his wife Tiffany falls prey to the unknown force that turns humans into Fae.

After his wife dies, anti-Fae forces attempt to kidnap his children. Owen and his family are forced to flee to the Fae Haven.

Upon reaching the Haven, Owen is thrown headfirst into the strange world of the twelve Fae races living under the protection of the mysterious Fae Queen.

As his children succumb to the change one by one, Owen is drawn deeper into the mystery surrounding the queen and the creation of the Fae peoples. As the risk of attack from outside forces grows, Owen is forced to confront the very real dangers threatening his family, and what it truly means to be human.


The one you posted is a solid block. I've read in a number of places that breaking the blurb out with (logical, not willy-nilly) whitespace makes agents happier, and I've found it much easier to read myself.

[Erin]

I've added the white space back in, I agree it's easier to read. I'm experimenting with the blurb because I wasn't sure it was enticing enough for agents. The ending of my previous one has always bugged me and I felt I could do better. I've been playing with a few different endings.

Dear Agent,

Fifty years after the devastating Fae war, much of the world remains uneasy.

Owen Williams, loving husband and doting father, is horrified when his wife Tiffany falls prey to the unknown force that turns humans into Fae. After she is killed and anti-Fae forces attempt to kidnap their children, he is forced to flee with his family to the Fae Haven of Tearmann.

Upon reaching the Haven, Owen is thrown headfirst into the strange world of the twelve Fae races living under the protection of the Fae Queen.

As his children succumb to the change one by one, Owen is drawn deeper into the mystery surrounding the queen and the creation of the Fae people. As tension between the Fae and the humans grow, Owen confronted by a force that may destroy everything he is trying to protect.

Haven is a science fiction novel complete at around 102,000 words.

[Personalization]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind Regards,

[Keith]

Perhaps you can strengthen the first sentence:

Fifty years after its near Pyrrhic 'victory,' the United States revives its animosity against the Fae.

Otherwise, some contractions, commas:

"After she's killed, and anti-Fae forces attempt to kidnap their children, he's forced to flee with his family to the Fae Haven of Tearmann."

"As his children succumb to the change, one by one, Owen is drawn deeper into the mystery surrounding the queen, and the creation of the Fae people"

"As tension between the Fae and the humans grow, Owen is confronted by a force that may destroy everything he's trying to protect."

Oughtn't 'Queen' be capitalized?

[Jonas]

I agree with Keith regarding the first sentence. Besides that it seems alright.

[Erin]

Thank you for your help, Keith and Jonas!

Dear Agent,

Fifty years after its Pyrrhic victory in the Fae War, humanity remains uneasy.

Owen Williams, loving husband and doting father, is horrified when his wife Tiffany falls prey to the unknown force that turns humans into Fae. After she’s killed and anti-Fae forces attempt to kidnap their children, he’s forced to flee with his family to the Fae Haven of Tearmann.

Upon reaching the Haven, Owen is thrown headfirst into the strange world of the twelve Fae races living under the protection of the Fae Queen.

The tension between the Fae and humans approaches a breaking point as his children succumb to the change one by one. When Owen is confronted by a force that may destroy everything he is trying to protect, he must delve deep into the mystery surrounding the Queen and the creation of the Fae people.

Haven is a science fiction novel complete at around 102,000 words with series potential.

[Personalization]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

[Keith]

Still think you're missing a couple of commas and need a contraction, but, other than that, I feel it's compelling.