Query help - YA Fantasy

[N.L.Welch]

Hi all,

This is my first time writing a query and i feel lost. This is what i have so far:

Alexis Kingsley, a sixteen year old Castor has spent her entire life being an outcast and is about to learn how special she is.

After a war engulfed Penumbra five years ago the three communities that inhabit this world have been segregated. Castors, Cerulean Wolves and Shadow Shifters now each have their own part of the realm and the rulers of Penumbra, the Primordial, like it this way.

However, after accidently using a power she’s not supposed to have Alexis is on the Primordial’s radar as she is now a threat to their power. Discovering she is not who she thought she was Alexis becomes entwined in a kill or be killed survival game that she doesn’t know if she can win.

Penumbra is a YA fantasy novel of 60,000 words and is my first novel with the possibility of a series.

Any tips would be really appreciated. Am i being too vague?

Thank you in advance

[Keith]

You need to learn the delicate art of comma placement ;-)

This reads a little smoother to me:


Alexis Kingsley, a sixteen year old Castor, spent her entire life as an outcast. She's about to learn how special she is.

After a war engulfed Penumbra, five years ago, the three communities have been segregated. Castors, Cerulean Wolves and Shadow Shifters each have their own part of the realm. And the rulers of Penumbra, the Primordial, like it this way.

However, after accidentally using a power she’s not supposed to have, Alexis is on the Primordial’s radar. She's now a threat to their power. Discovering she's not who she thought she was, Alexis becomes entwined in a kill or be killed survival game.

Penumbra is a 60K YA fantasy novel and has the possibility of a series.



I feel you've done reasonably well in describing the character, outlining the stakes and showing obstacles. The rule of thumb is 100-150 words, so there isn't a whole lot of flexibility, which is why they often read formulaic. My version is only 104 words, so there's room to add in some detail.

You should always try and have some level of personalization with each query letter. A sentence or to on why you feel that particular agent or publisher is a good fit for your story. And, be sure to do that research to make sure you're only sending the query to people looking for the same material. It's a small community and you don't want to get a reputation for not caring about these sorts of details.

Good luck!