Query - YA Fantasy Mulan-inspired

[Rachel]

Hi,

I'm pretty bad at writing queries, it would seem, and would really appreciate it if anyone would like to take a look at my most recent query draft!

Query:

Dear (agent),

The women of Medea aren’t allowed to fight on penalty of death, but seventeen-year old Dalila Bau takes her brother’s place when he’s called to war. As an expectant father, her brother has much to lose and leave behind. But Dalila feels like she has less to sacrifice and disguises herself as her brother to go in his stead.

When she arrives at the war camp, she reports to Prince Kazim, who is excited to meet such a skilled warrior. Unfortunately, Dalila is not the famed warrior her brother is. Determined not to be found out and put to death, she starts training immediately.
What she doesn’t realize is that possesses gifts from the gods. The god of war grants her mastery of the bow and arrow as well as the sword, helping her win Kazim’s trust. But when the camp is ambushed, Dalila freezes in fear and even her new abilities can’t keep herself and the other soldiers from being captured.

The goddess of magic comes to Dalila’s aid during a cruel interrogation, telling her that Dalila has magic of her own which she could use to escape.
In order to use this magic to its fullest, Dalila will have to believe in this new ability and more importantly, she must learn to believe in herself.

Meanwhile, the country of Medea is vulnerable without its prince. If Dalila doesn’t wake her magic and uses it to escape with the prince soon, the enemy might destroy everything she loves.

THE GIRL IN MAN’S ARMOR (88.000) is a YA fantasy inspired by the story of Mulan, set in a world like ancient Greece and ancient Egypt. It should appeal to fans of POISON STUDY and AN EMBER IN THE ASHES and it has series potential.

I’m a future student of Classics at Leiden University, with a passion for writing in English and two Cambridge English certificates to prove my level of English language skills.

Thank you for your consideration,


Rachel.

[Joseph]

Hello Rachel,

I am no query expert myself and dread the whole process, so I can't be much help. One thing I do think can help you is reworking the last two paragraphs. Perhaps change to:

THE GIRL IN MAN'S ARMOR is an 88,000-word YA fantasy inspired by MULAN. The setting combines elements from ancient Greece and Egypt. It should appeal to fans of POISON STUDY and AN EMBER IN THE ASHES.

I have two English certificates and study Classics at Leiden University.


I think this is a bit tighter and your personal info is a bit more relevant. Just cuts out the fluff.

Hope that helps! Your story sounds very interesting!

[Rachel]

Thanks, Joseph!

[Fiona]

I like the idea of the story, but I feel the query is a bit "padded". You repeat some information, for example, Dalila Bau "takes her brother’s place when he’s called to war" and " disguises herself as her brother to go in his stead". "The women of Medea aren’t allowed to fight on penalty of death", and also "Determined not to be found out and put to death".

I also wondered at " she starts training immediately". I assume all the recruits start training immediately, they don't exactly have time to sit around chewing the fat while there's a war on.

"What she doesn’t realize is that possesses gifts from the gods."
I think there's a "she" missing here.

I've read that a query should clearly show what's at stake for the character. You have that here ("Dalila will have to believe in this new ability" and "the enemy might destroy everything she loves", but it's lost in the padding.

Also, I now have "I'll Make a Man Out of You" stuck in my head :-)

Best of luck!

[Rachel]

Haha, you're right. It's a great song, though!