How to write sensitively

[Constance]

I am writing a novella at the moment, about a young woman in the 1960s who is unknowingly caught in an emotionally abusive relationship. Although I have no experience (luckily) of being in such relationships, my mother has been in both emotional and physically abusive relationship. I was too young to remember this, and I would rather not ask my mum about what it was like because she doesn't like to talk about it (Although I do have a few details)
First of all, how can I write this subject sensitively? And second of all, what are some of the subtle hints of being in an emotionally abusive relationship? They should be subtle at first and then increase a little to the point where my character realises her relationship is not healthy. I want to write this as best as I can, not only to make other people aware, but also to dedicate it to my mum for her strength.

[Keith]

Just as an FYI, there is a forum here for 'Discussion', a much better fit than 'Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query'.

Though not an exact parallel, I'm sure, I 'discovered' I was in an emotionally abusive after I'd got out of it. In my case, I don't think my partner was being intentionally abusive, I think it's a reflection of how dysfunctional her family was and she just carried it along unconsciously. It was very much a roller coaster ride and the highs were addictively high. The lows were quite low indeed (the closest I'd ever got to harming someone; I almost pushed her down a flight of stairs during a fight she wouldn't let end). Only after I left the relationship did I look back and realize that I was being abused, I couldn't see that reality while I was still in it.

I suggest that you write it as if the protagonist isn't aware of the abuse, at least in the beginning. I've read that in many cases the abused will make excuses for the abuser's actions and will often vociferously argue with friends and family that it isn't the abuser's fault. Let the context be the clue, though you could have a few friends/loved ones make pointed comments from time to time.

PM me if you'd like to communicate via email to discuss ideas/approaches/etc.

[Roughseasinthemed]

Is drink, or drugs, involved in your story? That can easily lead to verbal abuse as the person drinks more and starts behaving aggressively with verbal abuse and mood swings.

Keith makes a good point about the highs, as that's one reason people dismiss the abuse because the highs are good.

Also, again picking up Keith's comment, what about the family history of both people? Was abuse common there? Were they used to it, hence seeing it as nothing out of the norm?

[Martha]

Control is usually one of the early signs, and is frequently written off by the abused as concern. e.g. "I have to be home by 10, or my spouse will worry about me." Isolation is another early sign that can be mistaken. "I don't spend much time with my friends anymore, because my spouse likes to do everything with me. We're so close."