How short can I go? Reworked

[Jane]

The blurb for my WIP

Pared to the bone.

What do we think?

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. Until the day she fell in love. With the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. This love affair was to change her life forever

[G.G.]

I think you may need a comma after love and not a period. :P
Because of the period I had to read it twice to catch it. At first, I thought it was a mistake...but I get what you mean.

I liked that you went for the minimum. It's different. It made me curious. However, if I may say, the blurb doesn't tell us what genre it is. The 'love' word at first led me to believe love story...until I saw it was a building so no, not love story. Mystery? Horror? Woman sleuth? I think you may have to give us just a little more to sink our teeth in. But not much more. Keep it a bit mysterious. (I honestly have no idea what you could add to lead the readers in the right direction though and if to do so you have to add too much, maybe less is more then...)

[Annie]

Ah, Miss Jane. You know you're speaking directly to my soul with the chop-chop. And then the humor...

Dig it.

Hugs,
Ann

[Alexis]

Hiya Jane,

I added a line!

-

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. That is, until the day she fell in love. Spacious, sleek and sexy, the tower apartment in Jackdaw Court just speaks to her very soul. This love affair was to change her life forever.

[G.G.]

haha Cute! :)

[Christina]

I like short. I like mysterious. And I will confess that at first I thought "Pared to the bone" was the blurb.
But I agree with GG regarding the period, but I'm inclined to go with dramatic pause ellipses or a colon.

[Annie]

Oooh, Miss Jane! I dig the added stuff. And personally, I'd end with "This love affair was to change her life forever..."

EDIT: Oops. Umm. What Miss Christina said. Yeah. XP

[Jane]

I wish I could go as short as four words, but I have a horrible feeling it would backfire on me.

I kinda like Alexis' addition, except that it doesn't fit the book. It's the romance of the tower that gets our heroine in bother...

I've done a minor rewrite.

Better?
Worse?

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. Until the day she fell in love; with the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. This love affair was to change her life forever. Or would it cost her that life...

[G.G.]

First, I have to argue with the semi colon here. People who are finicky with punctuation will set the book aside on that mistake only.
I may be wrong but you have to have a full sentence (or enumeration) to have it and well 'with the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court' doesn't fit the bill. After reading it once more, I think there shouldn't be anything at all to separate the two parts. (And definitely NOT a semi colon.)
The whole sentence that starts with Until feels like it needs something. It's missing something. Maybe it's your chance to add a clue to what the book will be about?

[Christina]

Indeed what GG means. I'm no good at this, but here's my attempt:

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. At least, until the day she fell in love. In love, that is, with the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. This unconventional love affair would either change her life forever or cost her that life...

[Jane]

#3.

It's maybe a bit too long

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. She had never had a romantic impulse in her life, until the day she fell in love with the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. This love affair was to change her life forever - if it didn't cost her that life...

[Nathan]

I'm not very good at making these things, but I can easily add my own non sense...er...two cents:

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. That is, until the day she fell in love- with the tower apartment in the stylish development known as Jackdaw Court. It was a love affair that would either change her life forever, or cost her that life...

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Never mind me, but I have been thinking like a grammar / punctuation snob for the last couple of months for my current work in progress. I messed with the punctuation in your third blurb, as well as tightened it a little bit more, put it in present tense and put it in an active voice rather than passive (which eliminated some words).

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. She never had a romantic impulse in her life, until the day she fell in love with the tower apartment in Jackdaw Court. This love affair will change her life forever if it doesn't cost her that life.

[Annie]

*peeks around corner*
*lays down tweaked blurb*
*and cookies*

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. Until the day she fell head over heels. With the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. This love affair would change her life forever. Or cost her that life...

EDIT: Sorry, can't type English.

[G.G.]

I like your changes Jane. And yes, now I see where the ellipsis Christina was talking about could fit.
Sorry it took me time to catch what she had seen, but now I see it. I t prepares the readers for the unexpected that's coming next. And it fits well with the mood of the blurb.

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. She had never had a romantic impulse in her life...until the day she fell in love with the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. This love affair was to change her life forever—if it didn't cost her that life.

[Alexis]

G.G. wrote: "I like your changes Jane. And yes, now I see where the ellipsis Christina was talking about could fit.
Sorry it took me time to catch what she had seen, but now I see it. I t prepares the readers ..."

I really like G.G.'s, Jane.

[G.G.]

Alexis wrote: "G.G. wrote: "I like your changes Jane. And yes, now I see where the ellipsis Christina was talking about could fit.
Sorry it took me time to catch what she had seen, but now I see it. I t prepares..."

I only added the ellipsis. :P

I'm still not sold on the 'was to' change her life...Maybe 'could' instead?

[Alexis]

G.G. wrote: "Alexis wrote: "G.G. wrote: "I like your changes Jane. And yes, now I see where the ellipsis Christina was talking about could fit.
Sorry it took me time to catch what she had seen, but now I see i..."

I really like your third version and GG's ellipsis, Jane.

Lol

[Janet]

'Pragmatic' is not a word everyone understands or can relate to.

[Sam]

Where is the blurb?

[Sam]

Oops. Being very silly. Sorry!

[Jane]

Try post 12, that's where I left it..... :-)

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Jane wrote: "Try post 12, that's where I left it..... :-)"

Sorry. I borrowed it a moment. I put it back just now. Sorry.

[Sam]

The tower should I think be 'a' tower. Use 'the' when we are familiar. Also a space after the elipses. And I agree about the word pragmatic. It's unaccessable and might put some people off.

[Sam]

This love affair'would' change....

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

The word pragmatic intrigued me, actually. What does anyone else think of the word? Yay or nay?

[Alexis]

Dwayne wrote: "The word pragmatic intrigued me, actually. What does anyone else think of the word? Yay or nay?"

Yay. It's Dutch equivalent is pretty common word here so I'm surprised to read the reactions regarding its use. Anyways, use it I say. Don't dumb it down. If nothing else, readers will get acquainted with a new, intriguing word.

[Christina]

I'm about as far from a literary scholar as you can get and I was under the impression that pragmatic was fairly common.

[Denae]

Keep pragmatic.

GG had a good point, that the blurb doesn't fully give away the genre (comedy romance with some action and mystery?), and this is okay as long as the reader can get a sense of the genre from the cover. So, with a blurb this short, make sure the cover conveys exactly what you want

(Thanks for removing the semi-colon!).

[Jane]

Denae wrote: "Keep pragmatic.

GG had a good point, that the blurb doesn't fully give away the genre (comedy romance with some action and mystery?), and this is okay as long as the reader can get a sense of the ..."

I have a confession to make about the semicolon. It was a typo! I meant a comma, but I was doing many things simultaneously and it snuck past me.

PS pragmatic definitely stays

[Mary Ellen]

I personally like a little more info. But I seem to be in the minority.

[S.]

How about just 'tower' instead of 'tower apartment'? Makes it even more intriguing? (I'd love to see more towers in new developments myself but maybe I'm just old-fashioned)>

[Roughseasinthemed]

I like Annie's version, close to the original, changes will to would. What I wd hv done. I liked the brevity. Different and interesting.

[Jane]

I've been tinkering. Again.

Better? Worse?

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. She had never had a romantic impulse in her life until the day she fell in love... with the tower apartment in a brand-new development called Jackdaw Court. It's a pity that not all love affairs end in happy ever after

[G.G.]

Question: You're not giving the ending away by saying that now, are you? (Unless you mean...no baby kind of happy ever after.)

I'd sure hope no baby would come from this particular love affair. :p That could be a great start for a new series: Honey, our house walked away!

But seriously, I like the new version better. It made me smile.

[Christina]

I like the new version. It makes me curious and draws me in.

[Marie Silk]

I totally get falling in love with a building :) Sounds great, Jane!

[Nat]

It's cute and has me curious... I would honestly want her not to fall for a person, though, after reading that. ;)

[Rohvannyn]

Jane wrote: "I've been tinkering. Again.

Better? Worse?

When they invented the word pragmatic, they were probably thinking about Alysson Kowalski. She had never had a romantic impulse in her life until the da..."


Would it be "happily ever after?" Also, I don't think "pragmatic" is uncommon. What an intriguing story.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Rohvannyn wrote: "Would it be "happily ever after?" "

Happy or happily work. They change the meaning of the phrase a little, but either way works to give a little winky-tease that the story may not have a pleasant ending.