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Blurb Help... pretty please?
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My two cents:There seem to be two thoughts in the paragraph about Kaylee - first, her abuser coming back and second, the one-night-one-accident thing. Far too wordy and there is no sequence of events. Maybe try:
"One night, and one terrible accident, turn Kaylee's life upside down. She thought she had her PTSD under control - that is, until her abuser returned to torment her." ??
I thought at first that Griffin was the one terrorising her when it said "he never thought the girl he had wronged..would come back into his life..."
Maybe:
"Griffin's guilt drives him - first, to join the military, then to help others suffering from []. He never expected Kaylee to come back into his life. So when she does, is it too late for him to make amends?"
The third paragraph, maybe:
"Neither one expected their attraction to be so great. Now, the only thing Griffin wants, apart from Kaylee in his bed, is to find and stop the monster who wants to torture her."
It doesn't convey what the Actual Storyline is - it's obviously 2nd chance romance, but what is the underlying theme? Trust? PTSD?
Do you have a synopsis? A little more information about the story would be helpful to help more with the blurb :-)
But hopefully, what I've written above might be of some help :-)
Cheers
Bree
Mod
Thanks so much,
Ember
Mod
Here's what I've gathered from your blurb:
1) Kaylee has PTSD
2) Abuser is back
3) Griffin is not the abuser but also wronged her somehow...?
4) G protects K from A
Personally, I'm a huge fan of frustratingly short blurbs that give away nothing. I just like to get a feel for the characters in them. Like, have their personality shine through, ya know? But...
If you want a more "orthodox", well-rounded blurb, my question would be what sets your book apart from all the other abuse/PTSD-themed novels? I'm gonna guess there's something about the abuser or G and K's past connection that could be your "hook" if that makes zero sense? LOL
I suck at helping right now. Be back later and hopefully more helpful XP
Mod
Kaylee's life spun out of control after that and she started doing drugs and got into one abusive relationship after another until she finally hit rock bottom when her abuser nearly killed her. She had two kids and turned her entire life around.
Griffin felt guilty about what he said but circumstances beyond his control kept him searching for Kaylee for about 15 years. He was in the military and suffered from PTSD. He decided to become a Therapist to help others overcome the illness.
Thats the back story. Now Kaylee has a PTSD episode driving home one night when she thinks she sees her abuser on the side of the road and drives her truck into a ditch. They think she attempted suicide so they force her into therapy.
I hate to give away much more than that because it will give away the plot. Is that enough to maybe help a little Im drawing a blank on what to write! UGH! I hate blurbs!
Mod
Mod
Plot questions - did she actually see her abuser on the side of the road? If she did, does Griffin believe her that she did? And who are the 'they' that force her into therapy? One more :-) Does her abuser really show up to damage her?(I know this gives away plot, but believe me, we only want to know so we can help!! - although it's a pretty good plot line... ;-) )
Mod
The Doctors in the psych ward tell her she has to get help they took her drivers license and if she doesn't go to therapy they are going to commit her.
By the time Griffin finds out the whole story there are already other signs that she was telling the truth the whole time.
No worries!! Thanks so much for your help!!!
Mod
The last thing I said to Kaylee was unforgivable.
15 years later, I have a chance to right my wrongs. Because she needs a therapist specializing in PTSD and I happen to be exactly what she needs. All I want is to help her, hold her, have her in my bed.
And protect her from him.
I was never planning to forgive Griffin but after 15 long years, I want nothing more than to succumb to his arms and crawl into his bed. There's only one person standing between us.
The man who nearly killed me.
Ehhh? LOL
Mod
Mod
Okay. So I'd possibly go with the suspense angle, more than the PTSD one:One night, and one terrible accident, was all it took for Kaylee's life to spin out of control. Now, she's back in therapy, her PTSD is back in full force, and even she isn't sure what she saw on the side of the road that night.
Griffin still feels responsible for Kaylee's messed up life, even though it's fifteen years later. So, when he gets a chance to fix things with her, he jumps at it, despite Kaylee's condition, and her initial reluctance.
Neither of them expect the attraction between them. Now, the only thing Griffin wants, apart from Kaylee in his bed, is to protect her from the monster that wants to destroy her and her family.
Okay, that's probably as good as it gets without reading the book :-) Make sure you post the one you come up with so we can help polish it for you!!!
Mod
Thanks sooo much
Hugs,
Ember
Annie wrote: "Hmm...The last thing I said to Kaylee was unforgivable.
15 years later, I have a chance to right my wrongs. Because she needs a therapist specializing in PTSD and I happen to be exactly what s..."
Mistress Ann, nice job. A different take, and a good one :-) Best of luck Miss Ember... I hate writing these suckers too...
I can only write blurbs when I know the whole story, but I love the ideas from Bree and Mistress Ann! And I have to say whatever you end up going with you already hooked me into wanting to read your book!
I think Bree's blurb with the suspense angle is the most appealing. You do need to get the fact in there that Griffin is trained to help Kaylee: Griffin still feels partly responsible for Kaylee's messed up life, even though it's fifteen years later. He's devoted his life to helping people like her and jumps at the chance to do so, in spite of her initial reluctance.
Mod
Mod
Griffin still feels partly responsible for Kaylee'..."
Ohhh! Great suggestion! I like it!! Thanks so much!
So I'm late to the blurb party, and I'm just popping in quick. It's not a rule or anything, or maybe it is lol, but if your book is 1st POV, I think the blurb should be in 1st POV. I do like Bree's blurb a lot, but I would also assume the book itself is written in 3rd person. I personally have that expectation and would be disappointed to realize it's not 3rd POV after reading the blurb.
And I hope my last post didn't sound harsh because I didn't mean for it to. I just woke up when I wrote that. I've had some coffee now. *smiles* You can write the blurb anyway you want, and I do prefer the suspense angle, especially if you're going to classify the novel as romantic suspense. I was just giving my opinion about what POV to use. Don't hate me! *starts to sob* *drinks more coffee* I think I'm okay now. :)
The blurb can be a combination of POVs and still keep the suspense angle. It might read something like:“One night, one terrible accident and my life spun out of my control. Now my own person evil is back and my PTSD is threatening to take over. The worst part is, I’m not even sure what I saw on the side of the road that night.”
“It’s been fifteen years and I still feel partly responsible for Kaylee’s messed up life. But I’ve got the skills to help her now, and I’m taking my chance to help her get better, in spite of her reluctance.
Neither Griffin nor Kaylee expects the attraction between them. The only thing he wants, apart from her in his bed, is to protect her from the monster that wants to destroy her.
There's an imbalance to the last paragraph since it doesn't say anything about what Kaylee wants regarding the two of them. Her want would need to come before the line about "The only thing . . ." because that line is a clincher.
Mod
@Queen Amanda I could never hate you! That was a great perspective! I was kind of thinking the same thing!
@Kathy I love the idea of writing it in both POV's! I am gonna work on this today and let you ladies know what I came up with! Thank you all sooo much!!
Mod
One Night…
One terrible accident…
That was all it took to turn my entire life upside-down. My PTSD is worse than ever. The evil I thought I left in my past is back, and this time I might not survive the horrors he promises to bring. The worst part, Now, I'm not entirely sure what I saw on the side of the road that night…
Fifteen years…
That's how long I have let the guilt consume me. I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I do, I will stop at nothing to help her, protect her... Keep her.
Neither Griffin nor Kaylee expect the attraction to be so great. She knows Griffin has the power to consume her, and she's terrified. The only thing he wants, apart from Kaylee in his bed, is to protect her from the monster who wants to destroy her.
I know its still not right! Any constructive criticism would be appreciated!
Thanks!
Ember
Kathy wrote: "The blurb can be a combination of POVs and still keep the suspense angle. It might read something like:“One night, one terrible accident and my life spun out of my control. Now my own person evil..."
Agreed about the final paragraph. I couldn't work out what was wrong with it until you said it ;-)
I love, like love, the first two paragraphs in the 1st POV. I'll be honest. I don't like changing to 3rd at all. It doesn't fit to me. It throws me off and doesn't draw me in at all. If you wanna add more to his POV I would in 1st person, but I wouldn't do a combined 1st and 3rd. That's just my opinion. Good luck! Sounds like a great book :)
Mod
One Night…
One terrible accident…
That was all it took to turn my entire life upside-down. My PTSD is worse than ever. The evil I thought I left in my past is back, and this time I might not survive the horrors he promises to bring. The worst part, Now, I'm not entirely sure what I saw on the side of the road that night…
Griffin has the power to consume me. I want him... and that is terrifying.
Fifteen years…
That's how long I have let the guilt consume me. I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I do, I will stop at nothing to help her, protect her... Keep her.
The only thing I want, apart from Kaylee in my bed, is to protect her from the monster who wants to destroy her.
Mod
Of course, I actually know a bit more about the plot. Just attempting to read it as someone who's reading blind.
Hope that helps, ma'am! ♥
Mod
Griffin has the power to consume me. I want him... and that is terrifying.
And you are always helpful Mistress Ann! All of you ladies here are!!!
:)
One night...One terrible accident…
That was all it took to turn my entire life upside-down. My PTSD is worse than ever. The evil I thought I left in my past is back, and this time I might not survive the horrors he promises to bring. The worst part, now, I'm not entirely sure what I saw on the side of the road that night…
An old friend, Griffin, my best friend at one time, reappears in my life. He has the power to consume me. I want him... and that is terrifying. Can he actually protect me from the evil that wants to tear me apart?
Fifteen years…
That's how long I have let the guilt eat me alive, for hurting her with my words the way I did. I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I do, I will stop at nothing to help her, protect her... Keep her.
The only thing I want, apart from Kaylee in my bed, is to protect her from the monster who wants to destroy her.
Okay. So that's my try at it...I changed just a few things. And not entirely sure those things fit with the plot, but it's another way you can word it if you want. I'm glad you're sticking with one POV. And I do agree with Mistress Ann, that one line about Griffin was confusing, that's why I changed it the way I did because it wasn't a bad thing to add.
Mod
*scratches head*
And while I dig the feel of this bit, I'm not sure it does anything for your blurb: "The worst part, Now, I'm not entirely sure what I saw on the side of the road that night…"
Kinda tricky when you know what everyone doesn't know, eh?
EDIT: Oh, forgot to say, I actually don't mind Queen Amanda's take at all. Minus the length but I'm kinda obsessed with super duper short blurbs, so there's that XP
haha, Mistress Ann, you're the queen at short blurbs. Mine are always long. *chuckles* I can't help myself.
Mod
*scratches head*
And while I dig the feel of thi..."
I really wasn't fond of that part either I think I am just going to take it out completely! Because she never doubts what she saw that night even though no one believes her at first.
@Queen Amanda I LOVE!!! Your take on it! It is actually kind of perfect!!
Glad I could help, Ember! Blurbs are the worst. I hate doing my own. *laughs* That's why we're all here though. Everyone is so friendly and helpful around here:)
Mod
Yes! Absolutely! Every time I have a question someone is there to help! This is the best group! I get nervous asking questions or getting help in other groups! You ladies are amazing!!
Thank you sooo much!!!
Mod
Cuz my attention span is so darn short I can't even read my own gibberish for too long tee hee.
So stoked to read your final blurb, Miss Ember! I'm sure it'll be perfectamundo by Thursday!!
***mwahhh***
Here are my thoughts on this revision.Be sure to add their names right before their POVs. It's pretty much the standard now to avoid confusion and connect readers with the names of your characters right away. Otherwise it's not really clear that the fifteen years is a shift into Griffin's perspective. You could probably leave his name out of Kaylee's POV and let her just say: An old friend, my best friend at one time.
Kaylee
One night...
One terrible accident…
That was all it took to turn my entire life upside-down. My PTSD is worse than ever. The evil I thought I left in my past is back, and this time I might not survive the horrors he promises to bring. The worst part, now, I'm not entirely sure what I saw on the side of the road that night…
An old friend, Griffin, my best friend at one time, reappears in my life. He has the power to consume me. I want him... and that is terrifying. Can he actually protect me from the evil that wants to tear me apart?
Griffin
Fifteen years…
That's how long I have let the guilt eat me alive, for hurting her with my words the way I did. I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I do, I will stop at nothing to help her, protect her... Keep her.
The only thing I want, apart from Kaylee in my bed, is to protect her from the monster who wants to destroy her.
"The worst part, now, is I'm not entirely sure what I saw on the side of the road that night…"
This line adds another layer of mystery since readers don't know what she's talking about yet. You can keep it or delete it, but it serves its purpose.
I'd also suggest replacing "evil" with "terror" or something else, the first time around to avoid the repetition of using "evil" twice.
You could also eliminate "protect her" the first time around since it's repeated in the next sentence.
Mod
Hugs
Ember
Kaylee
One night...
One terrible accident…
That was all it took to turn my entire life upside-down. My PTSD is worse than ever. The terror I thought I left in my past is back, and this time I might not survive the horrors he promises to bring.
An old friend, Griffin, my best friend at one time, bulldozes his way back into my life. He has the power to consume me. I want him... and that is terrifying. Can he actually protect me from the evil that wants to tear me apart?
Griffin
Fifteen years…
That's how long I have let the guilt eat me alive, for hurting her with my words the way I did. I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I do, I will stop at nothing to help her, save her... Keep her.
The only thing I want, apart from Kaylee in my bed, is to protect her from the monster who wants to destroy her.
I like it, Ember! Sounds perfect to me:)
Mod
Mod
Hugssss
Ember
Yep, a thousand times betterer :-) Best of luck!!Bree
It's very good with no spoilers. Just a few grammatical corrections: 1. Here's the construction for an ellipsis: One night . . .
You need a space before the first dot and then a space between each dot.
2. An old friend, Griffin, my best friend at one time, bulldozes his way
...
An old friend, Griffin, my best friend at one time (no comma goes here) bulldozes his way
3. That's how long I have let the guilt eat me alive, for hurting her
That's how long I have let the guilt eat me alive(no comma goes here) for hurting her
4. I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I do,
needs to read:
I never thought I would get the chance to atone for my sins. Now that I have it,
5. I will stop at nothing to help her, save her... Keep her.
Two options for this one:
I will stop at nothing to help her, save her . . . . Keep her.
or
I will stop at nothing to help her, save her . . . keep her.
The difference in the two is that with "Keep" capitalized, you need three dots and a period. If you use the lower case "keep," just the three dots are needed.
Much success on your publication.
Mod
Well, you had quite a collaboration here. It was good to see all the ideas playing off of one another. Is your book going to be in Kindle Unlimited?
Mod
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Ember
My Blurb:
Kaylee has a dark past that has come back to haunt her. She thought she had her PTSD under control until her abuser came back to terrorize her. One night and one accident turn her entire life upside-down.
Griffin has been living with guilt for a long time. After he left the military, he devoted his life to helping people like Kaylee. He never thought the girl he had wronged so many years ago would come back into his life again, but he had hoped she would. He finally gets his chance to make amends for his horrible behavior, but is it too late?
Neither one of them expected the attraction between them would be so great. Now the only thing Griffin wants more than Kaylee in his bed, is her safe from the man who wants to take her away and torture her.