Which book description is more compelling?

[Roger]

Hey guys,

I'm a little obsessive compulsive, and I can't decide which of the following book descriptions is more compelling. There doesn't seem to be a specific group for this sort of problem, so I figured I'd ask here....

What's your verdict? A or B? it's for the landing page of 100% Love Guaranteed.

--------- A ----------

100% Love Guaranteed tells the story of Taty and Roger, a beautiful Ecuadorian girl and a young Australian man who stumble into each other’s lives. Their story begins in Ecuador, travels to the islands of the Galapagos, over the mountains of the Andes, to beach parties in Montañita, and takes a turn for the worse when Roger is arrested in the city of Guayaquil.

Throughout, their relationship is continually tested—not only by their own issues, but also by external forces that threaten to undo them. Second languages, ex-girlfriends, jealousy, crime, family conflict, illness, attachments, lust, and even the police seem determined to tear them apart.

But Taty and Roger are in love, and True Love conquers all… or does it? Read their story and find out for yourself.

--------- B -----------

I stared at the bare white wall of my cell. Cold anger began to boil within me. Anger at the cheaters who had tricked us; anger at the staff that had misadvised us; anger at the police who wouldn’t let me leave the country.

Sensing my inner fury, my cellmates left me to fester in my own negativity. They went about their business of entertaining themselves while they waited for the slow wheels of “justice” to turn. They played cards, traded drug-trafficking tips, and when they were especially bored, they called for the doctor, pretending to be dead. Many had been in prison for years, so what was an extra week or two? For some, it was a better life than the outside world offered them. At least in prison, they got food every day—even if it was served in a bucket.

To calm myself, I started writing. At first it was just the story of how I got arrested, but given that I had little else to do, my mind began to wander back to the memories of the many adventures that had led to my incarceration.

Those memories made me realise that, despite my anger, I was strangely happy. My memories were the evidence that I had lived. Some were good; some were ugly; some made me laugh; and others made me cry, but one way or another, my memories were proof that I had conquered my number one enemy: mundanity.

Here I was, wallowing in filth in a prison in Ecuador, yet somehow I felt I was winning the game of life. I was stewing in anger, yet I felt alive. I was locked behind bars, yet I felt free. I had no cash, yet I felt immensely rich. And in the back of my mind I knew why.

There are worse things than prison. I was living by my own rules. I had rejected a life of meaninglessness. I had dodged the daily grind, and I had let the Joneses have a bigger house. I had escaped the prison of society.

But more importantly, I had stumbled upon something wonderful. Something even more valuable than freedom. And that is what this story is about.

----------

A? B? None of the above?

[Dwayne]

Without knowing for sure what the book is about, it's hard to pick. Is it about Roger and Taty or about Roger writing a book while in prison? Pick the blurb that fits the main focus of the story.

Both are a bit wordy, especially B. To catch the attention of a potential reader, you want it to be quick and punchy, getting to the meat of the book quickly. A reads like a shopping list of settings for the book, then a shopping list of what will happen in it. Best to leave a good deal of that for the reader to discover as they go through it. Focus on the main plot and build your blurb around that.

[[deleted user]]

A captured my attention immediately. Is this based on a true story?

[Roughseasinthemed]

B is def too long and wrong perspective. A is bland and too flat. Tells us what it's about but doesn't pique our interest. We're worn out after traipsing through Ecuador, Galapagos, Andes. Don't give us description. Give us man meets woman, they hitch up, travel and then, the barriers to their relationship. But not in a this that and the other happens way. We need excitement and how will this work out?

[Roger]

Thanks for the feedback. This is a true story. It is primarily a love story—the prison experience is just one of two make-or-break junctures. It's been hard to decide how to portray the book, because my incarceration garners a lot of interest, even though it is not really a story about prison. I did the same split test with the public and it came out a dead heat, 50/50 for A vs B.

Based on your suggestions, I've written a new version. Let me know what you think :)

--------------- C --------------
True Love was something Roger had given up on by the time he left Australia to see the world. Girlfriends, he'd decided, were either dumb or demanding. But all that was about to change when he arrived in Ecuador two years later and struck up a conversation with a beautiful Latina girl selling hand-made jewellery in the street.

Taty, for her part, never had a thing for gringos, and nor did she imagine that a chance encounter could be the start of a roller coaster relationship—one that would take her back and forth across the country and eventually see her boyfriend, Roger, arrested and sent to prison in the city of Guayaquil.

100% Love Guaranteed is a book for anyone who has ever experienced the hideous force of love and known the lengths to which we will go for the objects of our affections. Taty and Roger don't have an easy ride, but one thing is for certain—they are in love, and True Love conquers all... or does it? Read their story and find out for yourself.

[Roughseasinthemed]

I think C is a better summary. Don't know whether you want to add anything in second par ie one sentence about his prison experience?

Hideous force of love? Objects of our affections? What, like a table? People aren't objects.

Read their story sounds a bit like 'buy my book'.

I'd end on the doubt aspect. Maybe use some, not all, of second par of A. I'd also play down the True Love. Sounds icky to me.

[J.R.]

How about a combination of A and B? Excuse me playing around with your words:

"I stared at the bare white wall of my cell. Cold anger began to boil within me. Anger at the cheaters who had tricked us; anger at the staff that had misadvised us; anger at the police who wouldn’t let me leave the country..."

100% Love Guaranteed tells the true story of Taty and Roger, a beautiful Ecuadorian girl and a young Australian man who stumble into each other’s lives.

Their adventure begins in Ecuador, travels to the islands of the Galapagos, over the mountains of the Andes, to beach parties in Montañita, and takes a turn for the worse when Roger is arrested...

External forces threaten to undo them.
Language barriers, ex-girlfriends, jealousy, crime, family conflict, illness, attachments, lust ... all seem determined to tear them apart.

But Taty and Roger are in love, and true love conquers all… or does it?

It sounds like a good book, Roger. Good luck with it.

[Roger]

Hey guys, thanks for the feedback. I posted the same question on Amazon's Mechanical Turk. The results were -- A: 17 votes, C: 28 votes. Gender was not significant, although younger voters preferred C.

I'll probably work on improving C. For the moment, I'm keeping the call-to-action at the end ('read their story...'), if not only because it masks the Betteridge effect of ending with a question: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betteri...

Here are some of the comments from the survey. It's quite interesting...

A (females)

It didn't contain anything negative or describe love as a hideous force.
There's more action, adventure, and travel
Description C gives to much away.
A is more detailed than the C description.
It seems more full of adventure.
because it is isn't misogynist like c is.
C makes Roger sound like somewhat of a jerk

A (males)

The more concise description makes the reader want to read the book for more details.
The other one seems to be too explanatory and droning
the part in C about girlfriends being dumb might scare away your female readers
The description begins with the title of the book.
has a more epic feel to it

C (females)

a lot of feeling
tells more about the characters
gets your attention immediately talking about true love.
Description A was long and started to get dry. This one is fun!
Storyline about unexpectedly falling in love sounds better.
I like hearing from both of the characters perspectives.
A sounds a bit predictable and already done, like a tv show.
It's more 'personal'.
It's not as cheesy as A.
the endless mentioning of places in A is SO boring
tells me more about the characters and their backgrounds

C (male)

Has better flow from the start to the end.
It just feels more natural.
A gives away a lot of the major plot points
C keeps me intrigued but doesn't give away too much detail.
I could picture the scenes in my head easier.
It felt more natural and less scripted.
more real
Because Roger sounds more like me.
C jumps into the plot. A is too removed.
I find this more realistic
I find it similar to some of my own experiences.
This option captivates my imagination and has me longing for more.

[Roughseasinthemed]

Thanks for sharing that interesting feedback. Both male and female views about C pretty much encapsulate my views.

Back when I trained as a journalist we didn't have question marks in headlines. It was pre Betteridge. I'm not sure the same applies in fiction. For example we don't actually know whether you and Taty are still together.

[Roger]

For those of you who aren't bored with this thread yet, I have a new revision of (C) based on all the feedback I have received. I think (A) is still more eloquent, but I'm feeling more authenticity in this one:
-----

“A spellbinding true story of love, passion and adventure. One can’t help but be swept away by 100% Love Guaranteed.” —Dr Tammie Matson, author of Elephant Dance.

Finding true love was something Roger had given up on by the time he left Australia to see the world. Girlfriends, he'd decided, were either dumb or demanding. But all that was about to change when he arrived in Ecuador two years later and struck up a conversation with a Latina girl selling hand-made jewellery in the street.

Taty, for her part, never had a thing for gringos, and nor did she imagine that a chance encounter could be the start of a roller coaster relationship—one that would take her far out of her comfort zone, back and forth across the country, and in search of help when her new boyfriend, Roger, is arrested and thrown into prison.

100% Love Guaranteed is a book for anyone who knows the lengths we will go to for the people we love. Taty and Roger don't have an easy ride, but one thing is for certain—they are in love, and True Love conquers all... or does it? Read their story and find out for yourself.