Writer's Block: Failed Meditation Technique.

[Duncan]

So I was on Facebook yesterday instead of staring numbly at the blank Word page in front of me... There were the usual baby photos, squirrels tight-rope walking, people doing improbably dangerous things in search of recognition, people gaining posthumous recognition by failing to do improbably dangerous things, cats and cucumbers and modern pin-ups 50’s style (sorry, I’m a rock n roll deviant) and a minefield of political and environmental memes setting out to destroy my day before it’s even ground into second gear (1st gear being make coffee and turn on computer). Never mind the click-bait...
So a hippy mate of mine sends a little video of a Buddhist Master telling me I can meditate anywhere. Yep, anywhere. I wouldn’t even have to make a perilous midnight journey into the Himalayas via a bus along crumbling roads driven by a drunk Indian driver. In fact, I could jolly well meditate right there and then if I felt like it, (I didn’t, but that’s hardly the point...) and even though the Columbian coffee was already hitting synapses with more verve than Muhammad Ali (R.I.P) I thought: ‘Bugger it, (For American readers this is not seen as a literal expletive and to be honest you should try it more often - it’s great, (by that I mean the word, not the action...)) I’ll give it a go.’
So the little video of this very calm looking man (obviously never lived in my neighbourhood) told me that all I had to do was breathe in and out and take note of it. Well, breathing... even someone as bad at sports as I am should be able to achieve this. The ‘take note of it’ instruction seemed simple enough too.
So here we go... breathing in through the nose...

Monkey no.1: Well, that wasn’t too difficult...
Monkey no.2: Shut up!, we’re meant to be concentrating on the breathing...
Monkey no.3: Congratulations. We missed the breathing out part.
Monkey no.1: It was Monkey no.2’s fault.
Monkey no.2: How dare you? I’m the one who wanted to do this in the first place!
Monkey no.1: And yet still not concentrating on the breathing...
Monkey no.3: Grow up, both of you.
Monkey no.1: So have we managed to concentrate on a single breath yet?
Monkey no.2: I’m gonna wring your neck if you don’t shut up. You’re always derailing our attempts at getting our shit together.
Monkey no.3: Who’s that?
Monkey no.2: Eh?
Monkey no.1: Oh yeah, I hear it... it’s someone singing.
Monkey no.2: Call that singing? Sounds like someone being strangled.
Monkey no.4: ‘...Buffalo soldier, dreads like pasta...’
Monkey no.2: Ah, come on... I thought we got rid of you three years ago.
Monkey no.1: I remember, he appeared after hanging out at that beach cafe where they played Bob Marley every single day...
Monkey no.3: And he only knows the first line which he repeats over and over again.
Monkey no.2: I don’t think Bob Marley was singing about pasta...
Monkey no.4: ‘...tum-tee-tum Africa...’
Monkey no.3: You know what we should do?
Monkey no.1: Start drinking heavily?
Monkey no.2: See a doctor?
Monkey no.4: ‘...Woy yoy yoy, woy yoy yoy yoy...’
Monkey no.3: We should write about it...
Monkey no.1: Write about what?
Monkey no.3: Um, I don’t know. I’ve completely forgotten...

I woke up two hours later.

[Steve]

Duncan wrote: "So I was on Facebook yesterday instead of staring numbly at the blank Word page in front of me... There were the usual baby photos, squirrels tight-rope walking, people doing improbably dangerous t..."
If you're serious about this, try instead a scanning technique such as that offered by the "Wherever You Go There You Are" guy. If you're not serious, continue as you were, generating humor (and yes, that is the correct spelling) if nothing else.

[Steve]

If you're serious about this, try instead a scanning technique such as that offered by the "Wherever You Go There You Are" guy. If you're not serious, continue as you were, generating humor (and yes, that is the correct spelling) if nothing else.

[Jane]

I've never been much good at meditation. Things always seem to get in the way. Things like brandy and the giggles and just being a complete eejit..

And I love the monkeys.

[Duncan]

Thanks Steve for the advice. although I may shudder at the spelling of humour!!! I wasn't terribly serious but was not totally taking the piss either. I have tried meditation on a more serious note. Vipassana in Dharamsala. 10 days of silence and ten hours meditation every day. That was a journey into a very unwell mind!!

[Duncan]

And Jane, I have a feeling you may be from the Emerald Isle... a blessing upon you.... And i say: Long Live the Monkeys!!! (After all, i have so little going in there that I need the monkeys to keep me company!! Now... where's that Brandy!