DV and Men: Batterer's Intervention

[Sara, Sara Niles]

Domestic abuse and domestic violence perpetrators can be either male or female, although the most violent and physically abusive perpetrators tend to be male.

The question raised is whether male perpetrators of domestic violence can be safely served by Domestic Violence programs that also serve the female victims?
an active discussion is underway here:
https://www.linkedin.com/groups/Anyon...?
In Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, the issue of dealing with men who seek help and those who are manipulative and blame the victim, sheds insight into this question.

The professionals on Linkedin provide useful insight into the practical problems presented.

For those interested in understanding domestic violence dynamics (of both males and females), Bancroft provides accurate data.

Sara

[V.]

Wow, the funny thing is none of the people this book is about would pick it up. The thing is you don't know how deep inside the "normal" or emotional being is inside of theat man. I am sure many victims can tell you theyhave seen a soft side. Either someone let that person act out without penalty before. Because I think sometimes intimidating is a learned behavior. You never know who has been in a situaltion where food was scarce or sleeping arrangements weren't safe. I also think institutionalization has an effect. But we do not want to reject whoever the person is when they come home. Men get congratulated for toughness, we even tell them they can have killer dogs and laser rays. We should be drawing the line in media, toys and how men are depicted period. The glory just doesn't come from overpowering someone physically, btu what about being able to negotiate, listen and understand. Women are known for them, but without our partners equally capable, how can we really trust them with our children? We have to teach toughness and gentleness, sportsmanship and determination,

I also have a somewhat vision of a group of female survivors that do interventions???? (It doesn't have to be a reality show) But what all would they do to insure change and safety? This issue also breaks up families. When that woman does make that decision, it could mean separation. Perhaps healthy habits and skills can be taught, but will the importance and understanding of psychological effects seal the deal?

[Sara, Sara Niles]

I have actually done counseling for batterers. I once worked for a DV agency in which I served a dual role of counselor and professional Trainer for the staff and for professionals (judges, social workers, attorneys, etc.) in need of training units to keep their credentials current.
I was not the official 'batterer's' or Batterer's Intervention Program (B.I.P.)group counselor-I was the stand in for problem cases-individuals who disrupted the normal dynamics of the group-the problem cases. Most of those were actually sociopaths, and few psychopaths, and had no intention of actually changing their behavior.
A small percentage of those in the BIP groups, actually benefited from behavioral modification and cognitive therapy and began to change the way they dealt with anger...the bottom line is, all individuals who are court mandated to a program of therapy because of assault convictions deserve the opportunity to change. Most will not change, a few will, and a small percentage will never change...but help should always be available.
Most victims that I have come in contact with would not make good counselors of 'batterers'...two reasons why 1). Most victims have not fully worked through their issues and would be biased either for or against an abuser, 2). Sociopaths and psychopaths are master manipulators and will zero in on any weakness or vulnerability in the counselor; thus nullifying any positive effect the counselor may have had.

I think you may be attempting to present abusers with the product of their abuse in an effort to humanize the victims.
Abusers fall into four categories: 1. The non-habitual abuser who has anger problems, 2). The habitual abuser who has bullied his or her way through life and intends to keep doing it 3). The conditioned abuser who enjoys his methods 4) The ingrained psychopath whop is capable of killing to keep his or her (Jodi Arias) power.

I would suggest using videos of victims for such as purpose that you mentioned, that way the abusers can take away a positive message if they chose to do so, yet are not in contact with former victims/survivors.

Thank you for your post, V.

Sara

[V.]

Sara wrote: "I have actually done counseling for batterers. I once worked for a DV agency in which I served a dual role of counselor and professional Trainer for the staff and for professionals (judges, social ..."
I hate believng that they will never change, but I do understand. It's horrible that we sometimes build relationships with any one of those types of abusers, it's almost like we don't understand what we are trying to reason with. And yes as a victim, myself, I struggle. I hate to be transparent as well.

[Sara, Sara Niles]

V., I am sure you have a kind heart-something abusers love to use aqainst you. A person with a kind heart often falls in love, while being totally ignorant of what the person they think they see, really is. Even when they see it without a doubt, the heart has to learn to break the 'love' bond. It sounds like you may be struggling with that issue?

If you are, please remember when loving someone hurts you, and it also doesn't help the person you are wasting that energy on-then it is a waste.

Be kind to yourself.
Sara

[V.]

Sara wrote: "V., I am sure you have a kind heart-something abusers love to use aqainst you. A person with a kind heart often falls in love, while being totally ignorant of what the person they think they see, r..." Thank you Sara

[Sara, Sara Niles]

You are very welcome V.
Sara

[Katelin]

Hello, I'm not an expert, but I've done a lot of research on domestic violence, am involved in a local domestic violence organization, and I blog about it. I agree that the best thing for abusers is the batterer's intervention program, even with the low success rate. I've also learned that marriage counseling can be very damaging to the victim.
I've also enjoyed Lundy Bancroft's book.
Thanks for starting this discussion! Katelin

[Sara, Sara Niles]

Thanks for the response, Katelin.
It is surprising how many victims who are actively involved in an abusive relationship, can't see into the dynamics of the abuser's behavior. The use of tools that promote early awareness, such as blogs, books, training and domestic violence counseling, all help to speed up the breaking-free process.

You are right about marriage 'counseling' for Domestic Violence victims being dangerous. The power-control dynamic throws everything off.
Sara