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I need feedback about my book blurb please
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First, I want to say that you covered a lot of background without going overboard. It makes it intriguing. Good job.(There is a little typo in the first sentence: is entangled and not his entangled.)
I also wonder about the last sentence of the second paragraph. I think it may sound better if you'd say ...watches the planes take off, wishing he could get...
I do love the description of the man, his accent, the clothes and the MO is fantastic. I mean you can get a feel for him right away, it's just the way the sentence is kind of throws me off. Maybe add the first part of the sentence to the first one? "But it all changes when a seasoned traveler shows up with a peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war. The man is on a murder investigation..." I don't know. As I said, something feels odd about the way you put it together. It may just be me too.
Love the ending. However and someone may want to check it out since English is not my birth language, for some reasons I keep reading 'than meets the eye' because the first part is singular (there is more), but that could just be me.
I'm sorry I can't help with the blurb. All I can say is I like it but that doesn't really help. Good luck. :)
Thanks a lot, it does help :) I fixed the typo directly in my first post (how embarrassing). And I think you are right about "meets the eye". I am not a native English speaker neither which might explain why some parts feel off :P
Take two if any other kind soul goes through this thread :)Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard — that’s because he hardly knows them.
After his father stole money from a lot of people and ran away, his mother started losing her fight against a ruthless dementia. Raised by the staff at the airport where his legal guardian works, Thom spends all his free time at the terminal. There he watches planes take off, longing to hop aboard to get his father home and bring closure to the little of his mother that is left.
But it all changes when a seasoned traveller shows up and ask about the Novembers. Thom quickly regrets asking when he finds out the man — with a peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war — is on a murder investigation.
Drawn to a magical world deeply intertwined with ours, Thom goes on a perilous journey and discovers there is more to his family than meets the eye.
It is meets the eye Also a typo - Raised not raise.
Thanks Pam, I edited those mistakes. How do you feel about the blurb as a whole?
*waves all friendly-like*I second what Pam said about covering background without going overboard. I dig it.
This is just my personal obsession with not having the same word twice in close succession, but I'd change either "ask" or "asking" to something else.
Just a few minor technicalities...
Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea that his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard — (I'm not feeling this em-dash. Just me though. I dunno.) that’s because he hardly knows them.
After his father stole money from a lot of people and ran away, his mother started losing her fight against a ruthless dementia. Raised by the staff at the airport where his legal guardian works, Thom spends all of his free time at the terminal. There, he watches planes take off, longing to hop aboard to get his father home and bring closure to the little of his mother that is left. (The multiple "to"s here bug me as well. Again, I'm a weirdo tee hee.)
But everything changes when a seasoned traveller shows up and inquires about the Novembers. (I would actually say: shows up to inquire about) Thom quickly regrets asking when he finds out that the man — with a peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war — is on a murder investigation.
Drawn to a magical world deeply intertwined with ours, Thom goes on a perilous journey and discovers that there is more to his family than meets the eye.
Hope that helps at least a tad! I'm sure many other, more seasoned peeps shall come around and give you better suggestions than that HAHA. Good luck!
Hugs,
Ann
P.S. - I have a teeny tiny little beef with the cover. But you totally didn't ask...so...yeah, lemme know if you'd like my two cents. Or just feel free to ignore me :P
EDIT: Forgot to ask, is there any way to give us a bit more insight about who Thom's father stole money from? Without spoiling the story, of course :)
It sure helps, thanks, Annie! :) You are right about the dash, I hesitated. In my first version, it was two separate sentences.Yeah, I know the cover is ugly, to tell you the truth I have more than a beef with it myself. I need a good cover designer, but first thing first I have to make sure the content is right (spoiler : it probably isn't). :D
About Thom's father, you make me realise it feels like a big part of the story when reading the blurb but the fact is, it is not really relevant in the first book of the series other than to explain why Thom lives by himself.
Phew! Thanks for not taking offence about the cover *smirks* Actually, some people here gave me very helpful feedback about my cover, so when the time comes, eh? And I think it would be better as two separate sentences, but again, I have very little experience :POh, gotcha! Yep, I totally thought that whatever happened to make his dad leave was a vital part of the story. Hooray for accidentally helping...I guess...? LOL Hmm, maybe something like...
With an absentee father and a mother who is in a losing battle with dementia, Thom is raised by the staff at the airport where his legal guardian works and spends all of his free time at the terminal.
That's really poorly constructed and a bit run-on, but *shrugs* Best of luck!! :D
Whatever feedback is good feedback even if it sometimes hurts. I am glad to get the confirmation something needs to be done with my cover. Aren't those blurbs a nightmare to write, the impossible quest for the perfect 150 words! I have more than three thousand words in the document where I am trying to put this blurb together and every time I think I nailed it, I realise a few hours later that I am far away from it. Anyway, thanks for the help. I will be more vague about Thom's father to avoid getting too much attention on him. :)
Wow, I think your blurb sounds great! I have a short attention span, so if a blurb is longer than 3 teeny paragraphs, I usually skip it. I found yours fascinating and don't see much I would change. Good luck with all :).
Wow, SD! I think it's pretty amazing that you're so diligent with it though!! Gosh, I need to go back and rethink the effectiveness of my blurb *gulps* Then again, I just write fluffy smut, so... *smirks*You totally don't have to answer this. I just have a weird compulsion to reply to people hahaha...haha...ha. Seriously. Sorry for taking up space on your thread!!!
Anyhoo, it was my pleasure :)
EDIT: Aiya! I totally forgot to say! I think I actually dig the cover from your other edition a bit better. Okay, I'm done pestering you now LOL. Good luck again!
S.D. wrote: "Thanks Pam, I edited those mistakes. How do you feel about the blurb as a whole?"I think it might be a bit overlong S.D. The advice is to keep blurbs short, I think between 100 - 150 words. Also, not to give too much away or too many plot details and to restrict the mention of character names to the protagonist's and maybe an antagonist's if needed.
Maybe it would be an idea to turn things around a bit and shorten, e.g. the first para - Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea that his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard — that’s because he hardly knows them.
Could perhaps be "Fourteen-year-old Thom November hardly knows his family, so it is a shock to discover they are involved in the assassination of a famous wizard."
(I know that 'family' is technically a singular noun, but that way round it would sound to say 'it is involved"). That's not perfect but a suggestion.
I recently saw some Youtube videos by Libbie Hawker about how to do blurbs and she suggest doing a framework based on a) main character b) what they want to achieve c) who or what stands in their way, d) the struggle they undergo e)what the stakes are positive/negative. Once you have the framework you then tweak it with action/suspense/setting type words to give it impact. Don't know if this works mind, as I haven't written my blurb yet as I'm still editing the book ;-)
Marie wrote: "Wow, I think your blurb sounds great! I have a short attention span, so if a blurb is longer than 3 teeny paragraphs, I usually skip it. I found yours fascinating and don't see much I would change...."Thanks Marie, I am glad you liked it. I will keep your comments in mind and try not to make things worse as I keep working at it.
Pam wrote: "S.D. wrote: "Thanks Pam, I edited those mistakes. How do you feel about the blurb as a whole?"I think it might be a bit overlong S.D. The advice is to keep blurbs short, I think between 100 - 150..."
Hi Pam,
I had my target word count at 150, but I visibly have to be careful because with each iteration I tend to add too many words in there. :P
I did follow a structure, but it probably became distort as I start reading blurbs on amazon to imitate the ones that caught my attention. Beyond the many proposed structure, I was hoping to start my blurb with a good hook, this is what the first two sentences are here to achieve, but I understand now that they may be a bit long and not as strong as I had imagined.
Thanks for the help! :)
L.F. wrote: "I like it! Short and intriguing..."Thanks! Now for everyone who kindly went through this thread, how do you feel about this other version? I have followed another pattern that I found on the web (as suggested by Pam). Word count : 146.
a) Fourteen-year-old Thom November spends all his free time at the airport terminal he almost grew up in. Under the care of the café owner — his legal guardian — he has watched a thousand planes take off wondering if by finding his runaway father across the world he could stop his mother losing fight against her ruthless dementia.
b) But it all changes the day a traveler like no other shows up. When Thom bumps into the mysterious man — with a peculiar accent, strange clothes and the MO of a spy out of an old war — what he discovers shocks him. The traveler is on a gruesome murder investigation that is targeting the Novembers. c) If only Thom knew the victim was a famous wizard in a treacherous world deeply entwined with ours.
d) A riveting read, Winter’s obsession is a fun contemporary fantasy novel full of surprising twists and turns.
Here is the pattern (credits to http://authorsociety.com/17-tips-how-...) :
start with a situation (a),introduce a problem (b) and promise a twist (c). They usually end with a sentence that emphasizes the mood (d) of the story.
Hey S.D. you have a very solid base. My personal opinion (given freely and worth exactly what you paid for it) is that I would rewrite it to the following:Fourteen-year-old Thom November spends all his free time at the airport terminal he mostly grew up in. Under the care of the café owner who is his legal guardian he has watched a thousand planes take off, wondering if hopping on one of them to find his runaway father across the world would do anything to stop the fight his mother is losing against a ruthless dementia.
But it all changes the day a traveler like no other shows up. When Thom bumps into a mysterious man with a peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war, what he discovers turns his world upside down.
Unsure why the stranger is so interested in him and his family, Thom soon finds himself entangled in a treacherous world of magic and intrigue he never even knew existed.
--I ditched the "riveting read" part because I am personally turned off when authors try to tell me what their book is like. Let the blurb speak for itself! It sounds like a riveting read! No need to tell me that. :-)
I also got rid of the famous wizard part because it seemed like it might be too much of a giveaway. Maybe it's best if we don't know that it's a wizard either. And then I added magic and intrigue to the final paragraph so that we would still know that this has an element of fantasy to it, without specifying too much.
Again, that's just my two cents, but it sounds like you have a good story here, and I hope that you find some of what I've suggested useful!
Wow thanks Virginia for taking the time to write your own take on it. I really like some of the changes you have made. Interesting that the last paragraph turns you off. Thing is, my novel is not heavily relying on traditional fantasy and I thought it was a good way to state it clearly. About the famous wizard, it is not a really a big giveaway because as a reader you discover this early on. It is not a spoiler, it really is the setup in chapter 1. :)
Hello S.D. I think the first version (the post that started this thread) reads the best. I like the way it introduced Thom's family right off. The first paragraph of your blurb using the new style just reads confusing for me--giving so much information in an "afterthought" kind of way. Also (regarding the first), I believe this to be a very strong sentence that pulled me in originally. I would not leave it out, if it were me:
"Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard — that’s because he hardly knows them. "
Marie wrote: "Hello S.D. I think the first version (the post that started this thread) reads the best. I like the way it introduced Thom's family right off. The first paragraph of your blurb using the new styl..."
Thanks for letting me know Marie, it put things into perspective. I think I have to come up with a nice way to put everyone answers into one killer blurb.
What about this? It's bit long but pretty much everyone on this thread contributed to a part of it :P
Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard — that’s because he hardly knows them. Under the care of a legal guardian who practically lives in her café at the airport, Thom spends all his free time at the terminal he mostly grew up in. There he watches planes take off while secretly longing to hop aboard, left wondering if finding his runaway father across the world would do anything to stop his mother losing battle against a ruthless dementia.
But it all changes the day a traveler like no other shows up and inquires about the Novembers. When Thom bumps into the mysterious man with a peculiar accent, strange clothes and the MO of a spy out of an old war, what he discovers turns his world upside down.
Just when things get dire with his mother, Thom makes a desperate move to find his father and soon finds himself drawn to a treacherous world of magic and intrigue he never even knew existed.
S.D. wrote: "Wow thanks Virginia for taking the time to write your own take on it. I really like some of the changes you have made. Interesting that the last paragraph turns you off. Thing is, my novel is not h..."Hey SD! No problem. I hope it's useful to you. I know blurb work can get overwhelming and you can't please everyone so take each bit of advice with a grain of salt.
I noticed that you also mentioned that you weren't happy with your cover. I spent a bit of time mocking up some covers just based on your blurb in case that's useful to you. You're welcome to use them for inspiration or, if you're interested in using one of the ones I've made, feel free to get in touch about that.
Hi SD, it is getting there.You need 'her' in "would do anything to stop his mother losing battle against a ruthless dementia." As in 'her battle'.
Also I'm not sure about 'get dire' - needs a slightly different phrasing there. But I think it's a lot more succinct now and does draw the reader in.
Wow Virginia, I am impressed. It is so cool so see an artistic rendition of my blurb :) However, I have to admit for now I am focusing on my book content. I really like your idea to put an airport in the background. Out of the three covers, my favorite is the first one on the left because I can easily picture my characters having a chat while staring at the planes.
Pam wrote: "Hi SD, it is getting there.You need 'her' in "would do anything to stop his mother losing battle against a ruthless dementia." As in 'her battle'.
Also I'm not sure about 'get dire' - needs a sl..."
Thanks for your help Pam! I will rephrase the last part, "get dire" does feel off.
S.D. wrote: "Wow Virginia, I am impressed. It is so cool so see an artistic rendition of my blurb :) However, I have to admit for now I am focusing on my book content. I really like your idea to put an airport ..."Hey SD! I think my favorite is the one on the left too. No worries if you're not focusing on the cover right now. I just enjoy mocking up covers for folks. Good luck with the blurb!
This thread has become a bit of a workshop, but it's a good thing and I am thankful to everyone who contributed. Now, I have taken all of your feedback and crunched it (with the blurbator 2000) in yet another take on it. Let me know what you think (if you are not already nauseated with the other attempts)!Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard. That’s because he hardly knows them.
Under the care of a legal guardian who practically lives in her café at the airport, he spends all his time at the terminal he mostly grew up in. There, he watches planes take off wishing he could seek his father across the world. A trip he can’t allow himself as he looks after his demented mother.
But everything changes when a traveler like no other shows up. A peculiar accent, strange clothes and the MO of a spy out of an old war, the man has come a long way and Thom deeply regrets asking him why.
With his world turned upside down, Thom makes a desperate move and soon finds himself drawn to a treacherous but magical world he never even knew existed.
I say I like the first blurb as it is more interesting and feels more like what you really want to say rather than the last one that sounds like you have taken everyone else's advice and buried your own creativity in theirs. I like the first cover as well, but I understand your interior focus. Stay true to yourself and keep your originality. Good luck on your journey.
Thanks for the encouragement, Angel, although now I am confused because it appears some of you still prefer the first version. Maybe I should make a new thread and put the two versions against each other. Blurbs really are a nightmare, maybe I am putting too much thoughts into it :P
Please don't get too worked up over any of it. People are always going to have different opinions. Take what you will from the help and interest of others, but stay true to yourself. If it feels good to you, you will feel better about the finished product. Have fun with your work and enjoy it, it all comes down to you anyway.
Totally agree 100% with Angel! S.D.: I might be making assumptions, but I'm going to ASSUME *smirks* that the first blurb sounds more like you? Personally, I love feedback and am a bit of a masochist for it (in this regard haha). However, if I'm not careful, I sorta start to lose my "voice" when I take too many critiques into consideration, because honestly, there's sooo many better writers than me. But then it's not my "voice" anymore, or something like that LOL
Anyhoo, I vote for trusting your gut, good sir. Just my 2 cents :)
Annie wrote: "Totally agree 100% with Angel! S.D.: I might be making assumptions, but I'm going to ASSUME *smirks* that the first blurb sounds more like you? Personally, I love feedback and am a bit of a masoc..."
haha yeah it probably does Annie, but I agree with the feedback that says some parts of it feels wrong. Maybe I should get back to the first version and try to make the changes more subtle? I do really like starting with a hook. In all versions I have made, the first two sentences in the first version are the only ones that I am an hundred percent sure I should keep.
SD:You'll find that when it comes to blurbs, consensus is rare. I tend to prefer your first version. That's just me and I may not be you target audience. So my only feedback is to go with what flows for you. Don't worry about length. (We write long blurbs; they seem to do fine.) The idea that there is a "right" length for blurbs is another one of these things they gets tossed about without any foundation. There is no such beast as "a reader" who prefers this or that. The problem with a lot of the "tips" and "how's to's" are out there on the web is that they are (at best) lowest-common-denominator homogenizations of what someone thinks about "the market" which in the end tend to make things sound the same.
Annie makes an important point: trying to work to too many constraints generally ends up with a blurb that sounds overworked, flat, and mechanical. To me, your early blurb sounds "fresher" which makes it more engaging to me.
So getting diverse opinions is good and can be quite helpful, but keep in mind that your readers are going to share your tastes. If your blurb catches you, it's likely to catch them also.
You have an intriguing story here, anyway you cut it. Let that shine thru and you'll be OK.
Also keep in mind your blurb isn't cast in stone. You can change it anytime you want: monthly, yearly, even weekly. There's no rush -- you have all the time in the world to discover what works.
All the best with your book!
PS: I notice you have a completely different blurb on your profile page. That makes me curious why you changed to the current version.
S.D. wrote: "Here is the pattern (credits to http://authorsociety.com/17-tips-how-...) :start with a situation (a),introduce a problem (b) and promise a twist (c). They usually end with a sentence that emphasizes the mood (d) of the story. "
now I am confused because it appears some of you still prefer the first version.
the reason why a number of people like the first one over the second is b/c the website's concept is good, but its formula and example are horrible and don't follow its own purported advice.
a blurb--like an elevator pitch, which is typically clocked at 30 sec - 2 min--is a very concise ad meant to entice the reader to buy your book by giving them an idea of what it's about (and sometimes its writing style) and whether they will like it or not.
actually, on amazon, the space for your ad is even more limited than the undivided attention that you would get from an executive in an elevator. so, unless the customer hits the "more" link, the longest one that i saw was (the #3 paid kindle book (which happens to be fantasy), which came in at 74w. on the kindle, the ad for the same book comes in at 57w (interestingly, it has a different description).
in these ~75w, an author needs to tell the customer the following things:
a) what it's about
1) the MC's goal
2) the MC's motivation
3) the conflict
b) the world
c) how it's different from the other works in its genre
d) the story's significance
it's a lot. that's why it's hard to do well.
it doesn't necessarily have to be in this order and some things can be left out. what determines what comes first is the hook. the hook is the thing about your book that will grab the customer's attention.
this is your hook:
a seasoned traveller shows up. A peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war, the man is on a murder investigation and asking about the Novembers.
G.G. wrote: "
I do love the description of the man, his accent, the clothes and the MO is fantastic."
she has a good eye.
but since we only know what your book is like from the blurb, there could be something else that is unique about your world or is particularly motivating to YA fantasy readers.
(a) is well-constructed in your elevator pitch, but (b), (c), and (d) are not in it.
Annie wrote: "Just a few minor technicalities..."
in addition to what she noted, there are some awkward word choices and sentence structure. you might consider hiring an editor for your blurb. many established writers do. i hired an editor for my entire 74,000w novel (which i have yet to publish).
I have just read the whole thread once again, I think I went a bit overboard with the modifications. Many of you do appear to love the first version despite a few issues. I went back to the first version and made subtle changes so the third paragraph reads better. It's a bit long at 160 words but there is not much I feel is extraneous (and it probably do sound more like me -> thanks Angel & Annie for pointing that out). :) Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard. That’s because he hardly knows them.
After his father stole money from a lot of people and ran away, his mother started losing her fight against her ruthless dementia. Raised by the staff at the airport where his legal guardian owns a café, Thom spends all his free time at the terminal. There, he watches planes take off wishing he could get his father home and fix the little of his mother that is left.
But it all changes when a mysterious traveller shows up. A peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war, the man came for the Novembers and it’s about a gruesome murder.
Drawn to a magical but treacherous world deeply entwined with ours, Thom goes on a perilous journey and discovers there may be more to his family than meets the eye.
S.D. wrote: "I have just read the whole thread once again, I think I went a bit overboard with the modifications. Many of you do appear to love the first version despite a few issues. I went back to the first v..."For what it's worth, I like this version a lot. It retains the intrigue of the original, but reads more smoothly to me.
I like the new version too. A blurb is only long when the readers lose interest reading it. Yours keep us reading.
Owen wrote: "PS: I notice you have a completely different blurb on your profile page. That makes me curious why you changed to the current version. "The problem with that blurb is that there is a whole paragraph that only make sense when you have read the novel (and even then). A big inspiration for my novel was the Taman Shud case, but only because I make some reference to the case as it was also a mysterious traveler and they never found where the man was from.
Also, what you said makes a lot of sense to me, mechanical blurbs aren't making for an interesting read. And by following too closely a formula and putting too many restrictions, it does feel like my blurb only gets weaker.
Alex G wrote: "...so, unless the customer hits the "more" link, the longest one that i saw was (the #3 paid kindle book (which happens to be fantasy), which came in at 74w. on the kindle, the ad for the same book comes in at 57w (interestingly, it has a different description).Haha 57 words, this can't be easy to write. Thanks for the link Alex, I will have a look at the shorter versions and see how I feel about them.
G.G. wrote: "I like the new version too. A blurb is only long when the readers lose interest reading it. Yours keep us reading."I am glad to hear you like the new (or old and improved) version G.G and Owen. :)
S.D. wrote: "The problem with that blurb is that there is a whole paragraph that only make sense when you have read the novel (and even then)...."Thanks for the response. That strikes me as sound reasoning. There were a couple of things in that blurb that caught my attention, although the "feel" is rather different from what you have currently. I found the contrast interesting, but I feel I have a better grasp of book from the current version.
Owen wrote: "S.D. wrote: "The problem with that blurb is that there is a whole paragraph that only make sense when you have read the novel (and even then)...."Thanks for the response. That strikes me as sound..."
Exactly, the other blurb gave the false impression it was a mystery fiction. My book being a contemporary fantasy, I think it's crucial the blurb gives some hints about it.
Marie wrote: "Love the new blurb, S.D. :)"Thanks for your help Marie, it is really appreciated!
S.D. wrote: "Haha 57 words, this can't be easy to write."i inadvertently implied that a blurb should be only 74w or 57w--whatever can fit in the initial viewing area on amazon or kindle.
what i meant was that b/c of the shortened initial viewing area, it's important to frontload your hook and any other important items.
Alex G wrote: "what i meant was that b/c of the shortened initial viewing area, it's important to frontload your hook and any other important items. ..."That's a bit why I love my opening. It says a lot about what you are about to read in a few words. You have the main plot (conflict), the protagonist, and you get a sense of the genre. So even if the viewing area is tight, my opening will still be up there.
I am working on my blurb and would love to hear some feedback about it. It is for a YA Fantasy novel, theme is about a stranger in a strange world.
Here goes the current draft :
Fourteen-year-old Thom November has no idea his family is entangled in the assassination of a famous wizard — that’s because he hardly knows them.
After his father stole money from a lot of people and ran away, his mother started losing her fight against a ruthless dementia. Raise by the staff at the airport where his legal guardian works, Thom spends all his free time at the terminal. There, he watches planes taking off wishing he could get his father home and fix the little of his mother that is left.
But it all changes when a seasoned traveller shows up. A peculiar accent, strange clothes, and the MO of a spy out of an old war, the man is on a murder investigation and asking about the Novembers.
Drawn to a magical world deeply intertwined with ours, Thom goes on a perilous journey and discovers there is more to his family than meets the eye.
Thanks!