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Need some help with my blurb
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I really like it! I think you can remove the 3rd paragraph completely...it threw me off. Ending it with "But she’s still Simon’s woman, and he won’t allow her to forget it..." is compelling enough. I already know there's going to be conflict between Simon and Blood.And just a minor grammar thing: "Susie has never thought she might want more" should be "Susie never thought she might want more.....until that night"
I think you need more of a tag line, or something catchier at the beginning to draw the reader in. Also, the 1st paragraph reads a little repetitive and awkward.
Susie has never thought she might want more. More than being Simon’s woman. More than the lush life he’s given her when she came from China. More than the carefree nights of dance in his speakeasy.
Simon has never asked her anything in return but her loyalty. Not a big price.
Until that night.
From the moment Susie arrived from China, she never imagined that there was more that life could offer her than being Simon's woman. A lush, carefree life, dancing at his speakeasy in exchange for undying loyalty to Simon never seemed like too high a price to pay, until the night Blood walked into the illegal tavern.
All it takes is one dance with Blood, and Suzie's world is changed. He shows her that there's a different life beyond the stale smells and quick gropes of Simon's Speakeasy. (I worry too many people may not know what a speakeasy is, and it can get repetitive saying a word that stands out so much in one blurb. Maybe the bar has a name?) A place where she can be her own woman, speaking her own mind and self discovery.
But she's still Simon's woman, and he won't let her forget it.
Or
The only thing standing between her and that world is Simon, who won't let her forget that she belongs to him.
Just a quick rewrite, keep what you like or ignore whatever I said.
Good luck.
If you switch the second paragraph with the first, it draws me in faster. I like the strength of the conflict with the two men and the one woman and how clear it is in the blurb. It reads to me as a romance, so if it's not, you probably should have some reference in the blurb about the main conflict unless your cover makes it clear what genre it is.The last two sentences in the third paragraph, especially the reference to the spirit world, are confusing to me, especially in 1924 Chicago. Does it have something to do with her being Chinese?
I really like the previous contributor, Vincent, suggestion for ending the blurb: "But she's still Simon's woman, and he won't let her forget it."
Hope this helps.
Ok, I apologize in advance but...the first paragraph made me dislike the protagonist already. There's nothing wrong about discovering there are more to life than what you have but I don't think I want to know that before I even start the book. I want to learn to like the character before that gets thrown in my face. She comes out as a selfish person. I'd skip the first paragraph entirely. I'd do some rewrite of course to make it work without the first paragraph to explain who is Simon but else I like the rest. It's intriguing.
I think you did well in telescoping the impending fight between Blood and Simon. I was unsure though of the casting from the real world to the spirit world. I would tighten up the first paragraph, as "more" is repeated too often.
Hi guys, and thanks so much for all the fantastic advice :-)My main concern is that most of you think the story is a romance. Inicially, I did think to promote it as such, because there are all the elements (the love triangle in particular), but everyone who had read the story so far told me, "yeah, well, not really a romance" because the focus is actually on Susie's soul-serching arc.
So I suppose some major rewriting in in order...
Carol wrote: "If you switch the second paragraph with the first, it draws me in faster. I like the strength of the conflict with the two men and the one woman and how clear it is in the blurb. "I really like this idea. I think I'll try that.
Carol wrote: "The last two sentences in the third paragraph, especially the reference to the spirit world, are confusing to me, especially in 1924 Chicago. Does it have something to do with her being Chinese?"
I put that in because this is a speculative story, and I don't think it comes out in the rest of the blurb. But I handled the story as an historical piece as well, so it's a bit tricky. I should probably make the speculative part more obvious from the beginning, right?
G.G. wrote: "Ok, I apologize in advance but...the first paragraph made me dislike the protagonist already. There's nothing wrong about discovering there are more to life than what you have but I don't think I want to know that before I even start the book. "G.G. I'm happy you mentioned it. This is of course not at all as I want Susie to come off.
Susie was "bought" from a Chinese man leaving in America to become his wife. But when she arrives, he's dead, so she is completely lost. Simen takes her up and offeres her a life she had never imagined when she lived in China. A life that, in comparison to her privious life at home, is unexpected and (apparently) satisfaying.
This is what I meant.
When she meets Blood, she starts to look at herself in a completely different way. Because he values her thoughts and her feelings, Susie too starts to consider these things as valuable, where before she had only thought she should be grateful to Simon for all he's given to her.
The story is about this shifting in how Susie perceives herself.
Now that I've written it, I think my blurb above is completely off :-(
Sarah wrote: "Simon has never asked her anything in return but her loyalty"Everyone else has given you some great feedback already. The only thing I can add, and it's just a personal opinion, is that he has asked her for something (her loyalty), so the word 'never' doesn't work. Something along the lines of 'Simon has only ever asked for her loyalty' would sit better with me.
Sarah wrote: "I put that in because this is a speculative story, and I don't think it comes out in the rest of the blurb. But I handled the story as an historical piece as well, so it's a bit tricky. I should probably make the speculative part more obvious from the beginning, right? "I agree.
btw, what a great decade in American history in which to place a story. a decade which is underappreciated. women had just gained the right to vote. america wanted to forget WWI and isolate itself. the Chinese Exclusion Act made it very difficult for Chinese to emigrate to america & then there was the wholesale effort to "whiten" america thru the Immigration Act of 1924. the Jazz Age and the great migration of African Americans out of the South to such places as Chicago.
i look forward to seeing your next blurb.
Sarah wrote: "Susie was "bought" from a Chinese man leaving in America to become his wife."
a paper daughter?
Alex G wrote: "btw, what a great decade in American history in which to place a story. a decade which is underappreciated"I love the Twenties. It's such an inspiring decade :-)
Alex G wrote: "a paper daughter? "
Or a mail-order bride, yes.
You know, I would cut out the first paragraph. Because it cuts out all backstory and plops us right into the decision that Susie's going to have to make.When Blood enters Simon’s speakeasy...
[FYI "speakeasy" sets a general time frame. 1924 may be important for the story, but I don't think you need the "1924, Chicago" lines at all.]
... and Susie dances with him, she discovers there’s acompletely...
[Kill adverbs. It's unnecessary here.]
... new world beyond the things she owns and the things she’s allowed to do. A world where she can be her own woman, where she can be the woman she’s supposed to be. A world of sharing and self-expression she has never glimpsed. ...
[A bit vague... at least to me. For instance, "a world where she can blank all the widgets she wants without fear of ridicule." Concrete detail wins in blurbs.]
But she’s still Simon’s woman, and he won’t allow her to forget it.[Great line that says a lot, IMHO. Very specific and action-oriented. It grips]
Soon Susie will discover there’s more than two men fighting over her in the confrontation between Blood and Simon...
[Awkward. Can be reworked... but I like what you're trying.]
... There’s a fight breaking through the wall of the real world, into the spirit world where Susie’s freedom may mean life or death for one of them...
["one of them" is ambiguous. Is it Simon & Blood, or is Susie also threatened?]
... And if Susie gives in...
[Gives in to what? The temptation to fall for Blood, or staying with Simon? This is unclear.]
... , she will lose more than just her heart and happiness.
All-in-all, you've got a great start, especially without the backstory material. You've got a character with a choice.
Just polish this to make that choice and the action's consequences for Susie faces more clear. It begins to melt down, and I'm left with a vague "paranormal romance, with Susie losing yourself... I think" vibe. But what is threatening her remains unclear to me.
I hate writing blurbs. It takes me almost as long to write a blurb as it does to write a book... :-)
Hope this helps,
Leo
Sarah wrote: "Alex G wrote: "a paper daughter? "Or a mail-order bride, yes."
technically-speaking, at that time, "mail-order/picture brides" were Japanese women who could emigrate to the US because of the gentlemen's agreement.
however, sometimes, the "paper daughter" (and there were way more paper sons than daughters) wasn't always a daughter--if that's what you mean.
(as an aside, there were Chinese women who already here and who were born here. some pretty famous ones too. Anna May Wong comes to mind.)
Leo wrote: "You know, I would cut out the first paragraph."You know what, Leo? I love you! This is a great critique and It will help me enormously. Thanks so so much!
Alex G. You're right. But from what I know, brides from home were still a thing for immigrants well into the 1960s (there's a very famous Italian commedy about that from the 1960s) so I suppose it is still realistic that Susie would be sent to America for that purpose. Stricktly speaking, Susie isn't a true mail-order bride. Her would be husband asked for a bride from a family he knows, didn't choose from a catalogue.
Sarah wrote: "Stricktly speaking, Susie isn't a true mail-order bride. Her would be husband asked for a bride from a family he knows, didn't choose from a catalogue."i just want to make sure we're on the same page. this is what is meant by a "paper son/daughter". (this is actually a pretty cool interview w/an actual "paper daughter"):
http://www.aiisf.org/stories-by-autho...
Uhm... I actually didn't get into this much detail on Susie's background, since this part of her life in completely over when the story starts, but yeah, I suppose this is what happened to her. The man who wanted to marry her, who had been in America for several years, knew Susie's father from home. I suppose Susie's would-be-husband would be her paper-father?
Only thing is that when Susie arrived to American, the man was dead and his associete (Simon, who appears in the story) took her in.
I suppose the paper-father was necessary to get the papers for her to enter the US?
Thanks for the link, by the way, it's very intersting :-)
Ok, guys. Takes two :-)--------------------------------------
When Blood enters Simon’s speakeasy, and Susie dances with him, she discovers there’s a new world beyond the things she owns and the things she’s allowed to do. Blood values her thoughts, her feelings and offers his respect for her as a person.
So different from the luxury Simon has offered her. The exciting club nights and the new freedom of dressing and doing as she pleases.
But Susie’s still Simon’s woman, and he won’t allow her to forget it.
And there might be more than two men fighting over her. As Blood and Simon confront each other, Susie sees the spirit world filter into her world and crack the reality she knows. And when she looks through the shards of the illusion she’s been living, Susie realises making a choice between the two will be more difficult than she has ever imagined.
-------------------------------
How does it sound?
Sarah wrote: "Ok, guys. Takes two :-)--------------------------------------
When Blood enters Simon’s speakeasy, and Susie dances with him, she discovers there’s a new world beyond the things she owns and the t...
i thought you were going to make the speculative part more obvious from the beginning? what is the speculative part? supernatural? a spirit world? are there supernatural creatures?
if it's a story focused on internal development rather than external plot, then why not take out blood and simon or only mention them once?
if it's also mainly historical, then focus on that--the atmosphere of a speakeasy, the dancing, the jazz, the nightlife.
it still seems to come across mostly as a romance.
Alex G wrote: "it still seems to come across mostly as a romance. "'Mostly as a romance' I suppose it's ok. There's a reason why I initially thought of promote it as such ;-)
Susie's character arc revolves around her inner evolution, but that evolution occurs because of her love relation with Blood, so the two things are closely related and I can't have one without the other.
The reason why Blood wants Susie is because he loves her. The reason why Simon wants Susie is a completely different one and it ties in with how the spirit world works in my incarnation of 1920s Chicago, so that too is integral to the story and it can't be taken out of the love triangle.
I suppose what I need at this point is that the action is clear enough. I'm kind of happy with the first part of the blurb. The final part... meh...
Alex G wrote: "i thought you were going to make the speculative part more obvious from the beginning? "
I honestly didn't find a way to make this happen. I tried to keep Susie's POV in the blurb, and she isn't aware of the spirit world when the story starts. That's an element that creeps to the surface as the story unfolds.
If I tried to put it in at the beginning of the blurb, I'd start the blurb with the end of the story. I don't think this would work, but if anyone has an idea, I'm all ears :-)
From your clarifications, it sounds like your story is a paranormal romance, which is a very popular sub-genre of the overall Romance genre. Maybe you could check some blurbs from some paranormal romances and see how they strike you? It's important to know the genre your story fits into, otherwise you won't be able to target your book to the readers who are most likely to buy it.
Carol wrote: "From your clarifications, it sounds like your story is a paranormal romance..."but then if the paranormal isn't front and center , then the story isn't primarily paranormal.
the "beta" readers said that it was focused on susie's soul-searching arc and that makes me think of a bildungsroman.
but romance is also an integral part of it, which is fine b/c bildungsroman can also have that component, but it is still at its core a bildungsroman.
for a blurb, one should also think of what kind of reader is going to read it and focus on that. and the opening sentence--commonly called the hook--should hit hard on that focus.
i kind of like this one b/c it has good imagery:
Susie sees the spirit world filter into her world and crack the reality she knows.
it's okay if it foreshadows the end of your book, b/c now it becomes a teaser. nice! so if someone is interested in spirits, then they will read your book's sample.
if you want the bildungsroman hook, how about:
Dancing with Blood fires up Susie to want more than the lush life that Simon and his speakeasy has provided for her. But she's Simon's woman and he won't let her go without a fight.
Alex G wrote: "but then if the paranormal isn't front and center , then the story isn't primarily paranormal."That's exactly how I feel. I did think about promoting it as a paranormal romance at the beginning, then I changed my mind because of the feedback I've received.
At the moment, I'm concentrating on historical fiction, with an eye on fantasy too.
Alex, I do think this is mostly a bildungroman story, but do you think I can promote it like that? Sounds a bit too literary for me, and my story is more action than literary ;-)
I'm new here, but I have an old problem: the blurb for my book. I know you know what I'm talking about.
I worked on my blurb a lot, but I still feel it isn't there yet. I kind of like the structure, I think the story is compehensible (but I might be wrong), I don't think the characters (except maybe susie, the MC) are there.
So, if you feel like reading it and give me your opinion, it woudl be much appreciated.
Thanks ^_^
------------------------------------------
GIVE IN TO THE FEELING
Chicago 1924
Susie has never thought she might want more. More than being Simon’s woman. More than the lush life he’s given her when she came from China. More than the carefree nights of dance in his speakeasy.
Simon has never asked her anything in return but her loyalty. Not a big price.
Until that night.
When Blood enters Simon’s speakeasy, and Susie dances with him, she discovers there’s a completely new world beyond the things she owns and the things she’s allowed to do. A world where she can be her own woman, where she can be the woman she’s supposed to be. A world of sharing and self-expression she has never glimpsed.
But she’s still Simon’s woman, and he won’t allow her to forget it.
Soon Susie will discover there’s more than two men fighting over her in the confrontation between Blood and Simon. There’s a fight breaking through the wall of the real world, into the spirit world where Susie’s freedom may mean life or death for one of them. And if Susie gives in, she will lose more than just her heart and happiness.