Questions for bell hooks!

[Emma]

Hi team!

Really happy to let you know that bell has kindly agreed to answer questions from Our Shared Shelf members about her book on her Institute’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/bellhooksIns...

Please post your questions in this thread and we will send to her to answer!

Love Emma x

[Ana, Our Shared Shelf Moderator]

Oh, great news! Even greater than the fact that I actually got to finally read the book today LOL! I plan on doing a read-a-thon tonight, so hoping I can think of some questions, too. :)

[larafm]

Same as Ana here:) i'm doing a full immersion on the book tomorrow.. then I'll come up with something:):)

[Simon]

Awesome :)
Definitely going to make some time to read it :)

[Emily]

How can citizens of westernized nations begin the conversation of healthy interdependency with family, friends, neighbors, and strangers in order to build affirming communities in cultures that value nuclear families and at-arms-length relationships compared to extended families and it-takes-a-village approaches to society?

Reference:
"While terms like 'codependency,' which came out of programs for individual self-recover, rightly show the ways in which excessive dependency can be unhealthy, especially when it is marked by the support of addictive behavior, we still need to talk about healthy interdependency." (Pg 214)

[Jonah]

In the chapter concerning greed, hooks suggests that love is insufficient in society partly because people, injured by love, compensate with material possessions. I feel I understand what a romantic wound might do to a person, and how hard that bug is to shake once one experiences the benefits of greed. How do you convince someone to take a chance on love again?

[Alexis]

This is so exciting! Thank you so much Emma for creating this book club. I finally feel that I have a voice.

[Fiza]

This is great news. Although I don't remember the questions I had based on what I read so far, I will be sure to note them down from now on.

By the way, any idea as to when Emma will be sending Ms. Hooks our questions?

[Martin]

What are the most important changes a person needs to make to love themselves and their romantic other? (p137)

[Paige]

This is so exciting! I'll finish reading the last chapter tonight and hopefully come up with some questions! X

[Shruthi]

Towards the beginning of the book, you mentioned that love cannot coexist with abuse. However, there was a lengthy emphasis placed on the negative impacts of physical abuse and very little emphasis placed on the negative impacts of emotional abuse.

In regards to parenting, these methods of subtle emotional abuse (giving the silent treatment, forcing a period of solitary confinement in the forms of a "time out," etc.) can produce long-lasting effects on children which are just as detrimental, if not worse, than physical abuse. Keeping this in mind, what do you feel are healthy, constructive ways we can discipline children while avoiding both physical *and* subtle emotional abuse?

[MeerderWörter]

I'll finish it tomorrow and wil develop questions from the parts that I underlined. So, there should be a good question or two from me. I'm so thankful for you doing this, Emma, I finally feel that I'm taking part in a huge movement, something I always wanted to do.

[Katelyn, Our Shared Shelf Moderator]

So exciting! I'm thrilled that bell hooks will be answering some questions :)

Here is what I'm interested in hearing more about form her:

Our Shared Shelf has sparked in me an interest in the nature of the internet and community love. Firstly, I wonder if the advent of social media and online dating has exacerbated the problem you identify, in the chapter on honesty, of false selves as sabotaging the path to love, in the way that individuals carefully curate profiles that present their “best selves” or perhaps falsified versions of themselves?

On that note, there is a common criticism that the internet has caused us to become more anti-social, as our interactions with others are increasingly from behind a screen. Do you agree with this criticism? On the other hand, what would you say about the many communities that have formed (for example, Our Shared Shelf), especially for oppressed groups (LGBTQ+ communities, particularly for youth; those struggling with mental health or social anxiety; etc.) and affinity communities (dedicated to creative pursuits, hobbies, interests, etc., that may not be accessible in their everyday lives)? Does the above criticism discourage connections that can be made across the globe, via the internet, that could potentially encourage empathy across boundaries of geography, nationality, race, gender, class, etc.?


Thanks to Emma and bell hooks for making this Q&A possible. Looking forward to the responses!

[Camilla]

I was really interested in how bell hooks dissected the American/Western family structure. What does she think parents can do to raise their children to love well?

[Fiza]

Hey, I hope this isn't a lot. I tried to be brief but this book is a great conversation starter, similar to Wollstonecraft's A Vindication of the Rights of Woman. I hope we can meet someday Ms. Hooks!! =)

1. In the chapter on spirituality on page 74/75, you advice against religious fundamentalism that ignores the very basic teachings centred on love. Then praise Christian and Buddhists for doing good in the name of love. What is the hearts of men and women, we do not know. Whether they treat each other and their children with the very “love” you speak of, we do not know. Whether they have another motive, perhaps to counteract feelings of guilt, to do good, that also we do not know. How then can you be certain that these public acts are “embodiments of loving practice”? By extension, this brings up the question of public versus private image, and how that reflects love and the image loving individuals? What are your thoughts on this?

2. Why is boys being aggressive seen as sign of them asserting their power in this culture of patriarchy? That may or may not be true, but how did you come to this conclusion? It is very likely that those who love their mothers dearly are confused and hurt by their mothers’ lack of power? This is a possibility of many others. Could it also not be a result of other, perhaps more than one, inner conflicts? Having said that, I understand that sometimes generalizations are necessary for drawing connections and making a point. At the same time, can they not be discourage those who usually fight against such stereotypes if they aren't being acknowledged?

3. In the chapter on commitments, the discussion on self-esteem and gossiping in a way justifies the latter. I don’t understand the reasoning here. How is gossiping a factor of low self-esteem? It could result from a lack of bravery, morals or even a conditioned habit. Won’t this generalization justify and hence take away the responsibility individuals have towards ensuring gossip doesn’t hurt others?

4. What do you suggest one should do in order to keep this love burning? Over the last couple of years, I have noticed a decline of love in my own relationships (non-romantics ones) where all parties seem to be getting tired, and only seem to go on out of duty and affection.

5. Being a poet myself, I find it interesting that you've limited the use of commas, and other sorts of punctuation in general. It could be because you wanted to let the natural rhythm of the readers, and their respective interpretations, guide their reading. Was this it, or was there some other reason?

6. There is a fine line between self-love and vanity, and between true love and a destructive fixation. Where is the line drawn given there is one?

Thank you for your time in answering our questions =)

[Adina]

My question: do you think it's possible to have a healthy, loving, romantic relationship with someone that lasts a lifetime? Is the idea of "death do us part" outdated and a product of the patriarchy that we are trying to escape? Is it putting too much pressure on relationships to expect them to last forever?

[Romina]

This is so great!! I'm very much looking forward to bell hook's responses to the amazing questions so far. I'm going to have a look through my scribbles in my book and come back to post some questions later. Many thanks, Emma, for putting this together!!

Romina Xx

[Jeffrey]

For persons who have come to realize they are from dysfunctional families, where do they begin the process of identifying their injured love abilities and start healing? I shared the idea of dysfunctional families and used Genesis 29 as a glimpse at dysfunction (and patriarchy at its worst) but the question came, what are the next steps?

[MeerderWörter]

Here are my questions:

p. 22: "Yet parents do this all the time in our culture. Children are told that they are loved when they are being abused

Question: How can somebody, who was abused tell it their parents in a way that they understand what they did to them. When the parents "were loving", though they were not.


"Without justice, there can be no love".

Please, explain this to me. It makes sense, that for sure, but I think there does not need to be justice in order for love to grow.

And one final question:
You say we should end patriarchy. What do you want to begin and how would you call it? Maybe it already exists, but too few people know of it.

[maureen]

having so many thoughts whilst reading this! some fundamental areas of intrigue are addressed in my questions:

1) would you say that to truly know love is to experience it?

following on, would you say love should to be described in subjective or objective terms?


2) how do you distinguish love as an action and love as a feeling?

[Nina]

I am very interested in her opinion on self-love and mental illness!

She says "Do not expect the love from someone else you do not give yourself" What about people suffering from depression, body dysmorphic disorder or other illnesses that result in self-hatred? Can they not receive or give love (in regard to M. Scott Peck's definition of it)?

[[deleted user]]

Hi everyone,

Happy to let you know bell will be answering some of your questions on Friday on her Facebook page!

https://www.facebook.com/bellhooksIns...

Keep an eye on her page...

[Katelyn, Our Shared Shelf Moderator]

In case you missed it, bell hooks answered many of our questions last week on her Facebook page, linked in Luke's comment above. Check it out!

[Emily]

I read her answers yesterday and really appreciated her candidness and the thought she put into each response. Great use of my time!

[Elena]

All q's and a's:

bell hooks has responded to reader questions from Emma Watson's Our Shared Shelf .

Question 1 about bell hooks's All About Love: from Jonah:
In the chapter concerning greed, hooks suggests that love is insufficient in society partly because people, injured by love, compensate with material possessions. I feel I understand what a romantic wound might do to a person, and how hard that bug is to shake once one experiences the benefits of greed. How do you convince someone to take a chance on love again?
bell hooks: The dearth of love in modern society is created by a culture of domination. People seek material possessions because they’re easier to acquire than the experience of love. In most cases, these individuals who embrace the ethic of greed have never taken a chance on love. Usually, it’s difficult to convince someone that love matters. However, more often than not emotional pain is the catalyst for rethinking about attitudes about love.


Question 2: from Martin:
What are the most important changes a person needs to make to love themselves and their romantic other?
bell hooks: Usually we know we are not loving ourselves when our actions are creating continual emotional pain and chaos. If we doubt our capacity to be self-loving, as in the case of recovery programs, we need to do a fearless inventory. It is that open and honest self-critique that will show us the changes we need to make to begin the process of becoming fully self-loving. When seeking a partner, it’s necessary to bond with someone who is also committed to conscious loving. We cannot change other people. We cannot make someone else be loving. We can love them and hope that our regard inspires them to grow and choose love.


Question 3: from Mario:
Do you consider the definition of love discussed in your book transcends time? Or is the idea of love an evolving aspect of humanity that changes over time?
bell hooks: In All About Love, I suggest that love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, and trust. Each of these ingredients is essential to the loving process. And yes, this way of loving transcends time.

Question 4: from Katelyn:
Our Shared Shelf has sparked in me an interest in the nature of the internet and community love. Firstly, I wonder if the advent of social media and online dating has exacerbated the problem you identify, in the chapter on honesty, of false selves as sabotaging the path to love, in the way that individuals carefully curate profiles that present their “best selves” or perhaps falsified versions of themselves?
On that note, there is a common criticism that the internet has caused us to become more anti-social, as our interactions with others are increasingly from behind a screen. Do you agree with this criticism? On the other hand, what would you say about the many communities that have formed (for example, Our Shared Shelf), especially for oppressed groups (LGBTQ+ communities, particularly for youth; those struggling with mental health or social anxiety; etc.) and affinity communities (dedicated to creative pursuits, hobbies, interests, etc., that may not be accessible in their everyday lives)? Does the above criticism discourage connections that can be made across the globe, via the internet, that could potentially encourage empathy across boundaries of geography, nationality, race, gender, class, etc.?
bell hooks: I am continually astounded by the many positive benefits social media offers the world. It offers us all a way to connect. However, it is very clear that in cultures of domination, where honesty and truth-telling are not valued as much as power over, people use social media to exploit and violate others. This does not mean that social media is evil. It does mean that we have to approach the connections we make via social media with levels of care and critical vigilance. It is especially rewarding that individuals from exploited and oppressed groups who feel isolated and alone can find ways to build community through social media. We should not discourage making connections. We should again know that all efforts to create care, community, and love place us at risk.


Question 5: from Leanne:
What does she think parents can do to raise their children to love well?
bell hooks: If you consider the six ingredients that make love possible (care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust) parents as well as parental caregivers can examine their actions in relation to children by the extent to which they exemplify these practices.


Question 6: from Adina:
do you think it's possible to have a healthy, loving, romantic relationship with someone that lasts a lifetime? Is the idea of "death do us part" outdated and a product of the patriarchy that we are trying to escape? Is it putting too much pressure on relationships to expect them to last forever?
bell hooks: All my life I have longed to have a loving relationship that would last a lifetime. My maternal grandparents were together for more than sixty years. My parents were together for more than fifty years. Clearly, commitment is a necessary component for creating loving relationships. The greater our commitment, the more likely our love will last.