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Feedback needed on blurb please.
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Ann wrote: "My book, A Girl in Time is a fairly complex story, with three intertwining plots. The first and last chapters are set in the year 409. All the other chapters alternate between the present day and t..."It's good!
Umm, I am no expert (and doubt my own blurbs on a daily basis, lol) so it is completely out of my comfort zone to just anyones else hard work. I chose NOT to read your description above to be able to give a stronger opinion. So, after reading your blurb on Amazon, I was a tad confused, enough to where I may not have bought the book. Who is Ciaus? A short mention of that may have quickly had me connected to these two characters. Are they siblings? Lovers?... Also, be careful of mentioning "Jumping forward...". Some readers don't like too much back and forth. Personally, I would be a little more gentler in that spot to not scare off potential readers. I sincerely hope I have not offended. Just want to help :)
India wrote: "Umm, I am no expert (and doubt my own blurbs on a daily basis, lol) so it is completely out of my comfort zone to just anyones else hard work. I chose NOT to read your description above to be able ..."Thanks India, I appreciate your input. I think I might have to rewrite it again.
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If you got rid of that first paragraph completely... the blurb makes a lot of sense.
I have to partially second India in the jumping matter, but starting with a question.How intense and integral is the 'jumping' in your story? I can enjoy such stories, but many don't. This is not about your story being good or bad, but keep in mind that you a) Want to attract those who will like it. b) Make sure to minimize those who will feel disappointed as they tend to leave more reviews and not of the good kind.
So, my 2c is: If the jumping is important and happens back and forth multiple times, then do emphasize it in the blurb. If it's more like a serial story from ancient times up to the future and then back, then make the jumping remarks lighter.
@C.B.: It definitely makes the blurb easier to digest. But I wonder how it fits the title though. 'Three couples' vs. "A Girl in time".It sounds a bit awkward to me, even if I suspect what's behind it.
C.B. wrote: "You know what?If you got rid of that first paragraph completely... the blurb makes a lot of sense."
I think you've got a point. It might work better without it. I'll keep that in mind when I'm rewriting. Another problem is that the story begins in the past which might make people think it's a historical story. I've been trying to avoid putting off the people who don't like historical stories, as actually most of it is in the present and future.
Let me preface this by saying blurbs are a curse for me. I get week-long headaches devising mine. So take what I am offering with a grain of salt. It's just one more subjective opinion that hopefully helps in some small measure. So, if I am understanding you correctly, the "girl" in the title is not the sole protagonist? That presents a bit of an issue, but not knowing the details of the plot, not sure what I can offer there. If she is the central protagonist, than I think you are fine.
If we are talking about three couples, then I think it is important to mention them in the context of this valley that ties them all together. I am shooting blind here, but if I am understanding you correctly, I would structure it something like this:
"When the barbarian war encroaches on her tranquil valley, sixteen-year-old Ariana struggles (against what) to keep (who is he to her) Caius from being torn apart.
In a whirlwind of chaos, Jack and Jill must (what) to overcome… (make sure you add details that places this in the modern era)
Jim and Cindy must… (repeat above with details that places this in the future)
Three couples are drawn to an ancient Celtic fortress by twisted threads of fate. Torn through time by an unnatural force, ill-fated strangers must discover who has entangled their fates and unwind themselves before they are consumed in the maelstrom.
Bound by danger
Bound by love
Unbound by time"
Whatever direction you decide, I would recommend a little more punch and avoid vague wording like "something".
J.W. wrote: "Let me preface this by saying blurbs are a curse for me. I get week-long headaches devising mine. So take what I am offering with a grain of salt. It's just one more subjective opinion that hopeful..."EWE! I like that!
Bound by danger... Bound by love... Unbound by time.
That hooked me and made me want to read some drama, lol.
J.W. wrote: "Let me preface this by saying blurbs are a curse for me. I get week-long headaches devising mine. So take what I am offering with a grain of salt. It's just one more subjective opinion that hopeful..."I really like your ideas, J.W! 'Bound by danger, bound by love, unbound by time' - the words just encapsulate my story. I'm going to fit them in there somewhere. I also like 'the twisted threads of fate'. And I think you're right about needing more punch and avoiding vague words. Thanks for putting so much thought into it.
The girl of the title is the central protagonist.
Hope it helped. Blurbs are brutal and always good to have an extra set of eyes take a look. Or two, or three...Best of Luck.
Good punch, J.W.--agreed. Don't give away too much. Think of it as an elevator pitch.
It's incredibly hard to explain in the blurb without giving away too much. Any feedback about the blurb would be appreciated. Is it intriguing? Would it make you interested in reading more?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01BX1G7UQ
I've now rewritten my blurb, using some ideas suggested by J.W. (thank you J.W!) I've also given away a further hint about the story, as I think it's just too confusing to keep concealing it, and people don't quite know what they're getting. Further comments are welcome. I think there's still room for improvement. Also, have I given too much away?
Thanks to everyone who commented. It's really helpful!