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Slowly Giving Up.... On Everything
message 51:
by
⛄⛄Call Me Emi⛄⛄
(new)
Oct 03, 2016 10:36AM
*wakes up suddenly* *looks at hiccup* *gets up and walks around*
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^sun starts to set*walks curiously to hiccup and watches intently*
^night falls*lays down on nearby rock and falls asleep*
*Growls in sleep sensing that hiccup is leaving*
^overnight hiccup makes a new tail for the dragon. it is now early in the morning
*gets up and waddles over to hiccup**rests tail near hiccup to make it easier to reach*
*starts chomping down on fish like they're crumbs*
*grunts in discomfort and pulls saddle off with teeth*
*turns to face hiccup and gives small encouraging growl while eyeing saddle*
the dragon tries to fly but cant because hes unused to the new tail extension.
the dragon actually is able to get off the ground a bit but crashes into a nearby tree
*flies up over the trees and tries out the tail*
the dragon still has trouble flying with the new tail but over a few hours he masters the skill.
alright. back to the journal making. since nobody besides me is supposed to read this ill try a weekly update on my boring life.plus the new title is hopefully good clickbait.
so lexi blocked me and we havent talked in a month. i miss her so much.... she was my last connection to goodreads and basically all of middle school. i did "bad" stuff to be able to talk to her. i just miss her so much and i wish we could talk again and im sorry for anything and everything i ever said that made her want to block me. its tearing me up inside. she was my best friend ever.....
so what i didnt tell the world is that i kept a journal while me and her dated. and even though i dont have a lot of friends on here anymore, im gonna post that shit anyway.
it all started with the words@lexi hi
within like two days we were chatting like we had known each other our whole lives. by the third day, we were DMing each other like there was no tomorrow. by day four i decided i liked her as a friend, but i also started developing the weirdest feeling. i not only liked her as a friend but i also "like" liked her. one day i decided to feel bold and i wrote, "i like you, you know?" and she wrote "really? well i like you too." and then after some more time talking, i asked her out on september 21st. to my utter suprise she said yes.
for the next month or so, everything was fine. then somewhere at the end of October, matt comitted suicide. that was a horrible day because my dear lexi blamed everything on herself, and i spent the next few days trying to calm her down, and telling her it wasnt her fault.on november 1st, something in my heart snapped. lex was still in a bad condition and i wanted so bad to actually be there with her. i would have given anything just to be there by her side, and although i tell her that ill always going to be there by her, the truth is, until im out of the madhouse with my stepdad, i wont get to see her. and thats what bothers me the most. i just want to be there with her, not just tell her that "im there for her". i dont tell her this, but even though i love her to death, i still want to kill myself. i just want to leave all the pain behind. and because i feel that way, i feel horrible. i feel horrible because if i did kill myself, it would break her heart and she is worth more to me than my own life. i guess that makes me a selfless jerk. is that a thing? i guess it is now. she always asks why i like her, and not some other girl. and i always tell her; "because your you". and what i mean by that is that i love her for who she is. not who she was or who she can be. but when i ask her why she likes me, she says "because your awesome".
ive made up my own quote and i dedicate it to (EWW THIS HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE ITS GROSS)
"love is a strong word. therefore, as we love, we learn to be strong."
i dont think i deserve lex. i mean i help her with her homework as much as i can, i talk to her when shes upset, i comfort her when shes upset, but isnt that boyfriend stereotypes? isnt every bf supposed to do that? i think of her 24/7 but i dont think thats enough. but whatever the case, i promise myself to do whatever lex asks of me. its weird that the quote i wrote is doing the opposite to me. instead of becoming strong its turning me into a big wreck.
i always tell lexi thats shes soooo hot, because.... well... she is. but she refuses to have any of it.if i tell her, she just tells me i should tell her the truth because "even clara says it just to be nice."shes so stubborn, that if i told her there was no girl on the planet as hot as her, (which i think i told her multiple times after writing this) she would probably just say that shes not that pretty. so i asked her one day, why i would ask for so many pictures of her, much less date her if she wasnt hot. i think that got her thinking.
end of intro.
11-16-14
she told me today that she loves me so much, she cant even find words for it. and then she was probably embarassed from telling me that cause right after that, she also said that love isnt measured, it just is or isnt. this is why i love her. like holy crap. shoot, now i miss her even more.
11-17-14
today we didnt really talk, but we did talk about how i wanted to get her something for christmas, but she didnt want anything cause shes that selfless. but i told her that it wasnt makeup or perfume and so i told her that it was a surprise. she agreed but she asked for my adress and i gave it to her, and she gave me hers. i suspect that shes going to send me something too, although i have no idea what she could possibly think of to get me. because im spoiled. cant really think of anything i would want to have off the top of my head.
11-18-14
today i found out what lex is getting me for christmas. shes going to send me some of her drawings and some more pictures of her. im so happy right now. she also invited me to this online "ball" thing. i have absolutely no idea what im supposed to do, all i know is that shes my "date" for the "ball" so whatever it is, im going to go ahead and join cause why would i miss out on that kind of oportunity? also, on the 21st will be our two month, another thing to be happy about. im trying to put the suicidal thoughts behind me forever.
11-19-20talking with lex comforts me because i know that shes alive and well. rather than off doing bad stuff like (i cant write this part. im sorry.) it makes me sad to think she actually still does that. anyway, we talked somewhat today, but mostly kind of, i dont know what you call it.....um..... we talked. i also asked her for 12 pictures of her or her art or hobbies, because i got the news from my digital design teacher that we are making a calendar, which im going to send to her with my stuffed animal fish i made in crafts.
11-20-14
and today i fall back into misery. she told me that she was talking to a guy behind my back, and she never said a thing about it, and thats because neither clara or jon will talk to her now. im also scared. she said in her journal that clara wants to kill herself. and now i cant really take blame off of her because she was secretly talking to jon without me or clara knowing. and now she just said that she hates herself. great. just great. you know how i feel right about now? close your eyes and tell me what you see. nothing right? well i feel like nothing. im a waste of space. a flaw in life. a total pain in the ass. i feel like death might be an option. but i cant choose death because someone on this hellhouse needs me. i wouldnt stay a second longer if it wasnt for her. and finally i realize, that everyone else has a purpose on this giant water and land glob. except me. because im nothing. and to be honest, it feels worse to have the only person in the world you care about betray you, and secretly talk to another guy. lex told me she was sorry, but my trust with her just jumped off a cliff. the tear in my heart has started. and for some reason i feel like its only going to get worse. the pain is worse than any ive ever felt. and ive had my fair share of spankings. and worst of all, most pains fade. well this pain just comes back every time i try to forget. i still love her, but i dont want to talk to her tomorrow. i guess i just have to hope she understands why.
11-21-14i choose to forgive lex for what she did. anyways, she told me that jon still isnt talking to her, which in my opinion is good. but clara is talking to her, but they arent exactly nice words. at first i just told lex how i was in protective mode, but she told me to stop worrying about her, because she could fend for herself. that was like a verbal slap to the face. but in seventh period she told me she was sorry, and i gladly accepted her apology. after school we talked some more, and by the end of the day, we were back to normal with each other.
11-22-14
i asked lex about our two month today, and she said she had totally forgotten. i guess its not her fault that she forgot, because yesterday was a tough day for both of us. and the day before was even worse. i got micahs wraith centered on me also, because she was totally mad at me for absolutely no reason. but i cant really blame her, because shes been in an angry and bitter mood ever since matt died. its almost been a month since he did it. in three days is what lex says. me and lex talked about this baby she had to take care of for her childcare class. she said that it(she) woke her up 4 times in the night because of the realistic crying. i told her she was a good mother, but she said "meh" so i told her what i would do if a plastic baby started crying. i said i would probably chuck it out the window. then she wrote "mine" and that kind of proved that shes as protective of that thing as i am of her. my mom told me that if all my homework was finished, she didnt have a problem with me talking to lex. that just proves my suspicion of them knowing about me and lex. that means they still watch me every second of every day. i have no privacy with them around. none. they see every email i send, they see every comment i make, and i hate it. im a teenager now. they need to let the leash out some. and to top it off, my mom came upstairs to say goodnight, and you know what she said? i got a new bed that pulls out into a two person bed. and my mom had to say "maybe if your girlfriend comes over, you can use that." i was actually kind of happy that they know but cant do shit about it. (this part is so cute xD) but if lex ever did come over, she would get the bed, and i would get a sleeping bag or something and sleep on the ground next to her. we might make out before, but when its time to sleep, i dont need anyone to get the idea that im a perv. (i had literally no idea what a perv was at this point, it just sounded like the right word xD)
11-23-14i woke up today with a bad cough, a bad throat burn, and a stuffed nose. the cough is from a cold i think i caught, the throat burn is from a piece of hot lasagna that somehow managed to burn my throat while i swallowed it, and the nose means im probably sick. but i dont give a crap, because as long as im alive, i am able to make sure lex is fine. i think we depend on each other a lot now. i feel real weird about what love has done to me. i used to want billions of things for christmas, but now i find myself only wanting one thing, and i know full damn well that im not getting it. i only want lex to come here or myself to her. but plane tickets are expensive during the holidays, so this year i wont ask for anything. we talked today, just talked. the cough got worse throughout the day, and now i coughed up some blood. not good. u told lex that i really wanted to get her those pink moccasins, but she said she just wanted me. same here. then my stepdad came and shut my computer down, and he put a new password on it. so now im here writing about today, a big heartache for lex. this is the second time ive had one where i cried. i hate how each time i finally build a layer of trust with him, he makes it all come down in one move. some people bite their nails when theyre nervous. i bite the inside of my cheek (i still do that to this day, in fact im doing it rn) i have tons of scars from all the times ive bitten too far. okay goodnight i feel another hit of longing coming.
11-24-14
i dont need to go on. lex has been taken from me by my own goddamn stepdad. the word hate is practically saying hes nice. i need a word stronger than hate. i want to kill him slowly. make him feel the pain this is for me. not only do i hate him so much, i hate myself even more. i want to die. lex is gone. the only person left in this world that i love. shes going to probably get over loosing me because theres plenty of boys out there who like her. this is the end. my story of love and life stops as quickly as my heartbeat will. i am nothing and nothing is going to stop me. (thats ironic. im going to stop myself. xD)
11-25-14
still not allowed to talk to lex. still hate his guts. i havent eaten anything in 3 days. thats 9 meals that ive skipped. im really weak, but i realized that starving myself isnt what i should do. my mom told me that lex contacted her and said that she was worried sick about me. well i guess that means were both sick huh? and that stopped me from continuing to hunger. because if lex is so worried about me, then me dying would break her heart. my hand hurts. gotta stop. my strength is somewhat returning.
(one other thing. after the breakup, i went back and added some mean comments all over the pages. theyre pretty bad)
11-26-14almost not sick anymore. tomorrow is thanksgiving. i could eat a lot, but i learned my lesson yesterday from eating 3 sandwiches and i got a real bad stomach cramp and nearly threw it all back up. i had my first bikend today in almost two weeks. after i finished biking, i went down the main street of my neighborhood, where a good friend of mine named maddie was playing basketball. i watched her and her sister keep scoring and making it look easy, but when i tried, i missed. but only by a little bit. good enough for me because ive never played basketball so anything close is good.
11-27-14
today is thanksgiving. we are going to have two groups of friends come over. i have three kids to now keep busy one is like three one is like seven and one is like ten.
11-28-14
black friday!!! yay!! i get most of the roads and bike paths to myself to bike. i want lex back! its been a week. if i dont get back soon, she might start thinking that im not allowed to talk at all to her, and she might give up on me.
11-29-14
my writings are getting shorter. i dont do stuff. i have a new favorite song "prayer in c". i biked for real today. life without lex is so boring. i went for a bike ride with my "sister" mia and her dad. im bored. and i cant stop thinking about lex. no matter how hard i try.
11-30-14
another boring day. i cant wait to say hi to lex with nanowrimo. we put up christmas decorations today, stepdad was being an annoying bastard.
12-1-14
the year is almost over now. i will keep writing until i run out of room in this spiral. and i know that isnt going to happen any time soon. i got to talk to lex today. but i think i got her a bit mad, she brought jon up and said she had been talking to him. i instantly switched to protective mode, but she hates my protective mode, so she got a little fired up and told me "for god sake i dont like jon" so i guess i need to watch out with my own actions, im pretty happy otherwise, i got to talk to her, even if it was only for like 20 minutes.
12-2-14
we talked today. very excited. i dont remember much of what we talked about except that she said she had hit her head on the ceiling, followed by her falling off a table. (i think you were putting up glow in the dark stuff) i was glad that she said she was uninjured. i told her she was a nutcase, she told me i was a nutcase too, so i said that makes two nuts. both had a good laugh at that. i also found out a girl likes me. creepy..... plus i got another beautiful woman on the line and im not easily giving her up. sorry.
12-3-14i cant believe i choose to go take pictures at today's spelling bee, rather than talk to lex. were already starting to grow apart because i cant talk to her at home. and now that nanowrimo is over, the only time i get to talk to her is during digital design, and i chose to go take pictures during the spelling bee. im an idiot. to go take pictures, rather than talk to my number one.
12-4-14
we talked again today. i told her about the calendar. i also got to talk to her in 7th period.
12-5-14
im probably gonna stop writing every single day, we talked during 3rd period, and we had a love war. lex is the biggest competitor in love wars. like holy jeezus. we spent a whole period going back and forward with "i love you" "i love you more" "i love you more than that" and so on. just a whole period like that. and we both still havent given in.
12-6-14
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(after this is the breakup and the aftermath. its ironic that both of you broke up with me near new years xD)
12-29-14
today is the worst day of my life. that fucking bitch jon somehow won her heart over from me. the hurt i feel is beyond pain. nothing better i can think of then to probably kill myself.
2-3-15
im kinda over her finally. i feel like i should be happy jon took her from me. because now i truly love her. cant go a day without her. i have a huge crush on clara, which is awkward since jon and clara broke up too. and now jon has lex and i have a thing for clara. i spent 8 hours talking on the phone with lexi over the 3 weeks when i wasnt allowed on goodreads. 8 hours!!!! thats like one day of just talking to her. crazyyyy....
2-12-14
jon broke up with lexi. i was happy. then cameron showed me a text she sent to him for me. she said she was sick of boyfriends and of me? i cant take it that nobody cares about me. i hope shes got a trick up her sleeve cause im gonna do it on the 16th otherwise.
2-13-15
well. i found out she meant jon. she was sick of jon. she wasnt mad at me. yay! *Punches air* i dont feel comfortable carrying her phone number around, so here it is, 1(717) 538-9675
im totally happy again. for now..... o.O
i also talked to clara. i know for a fact that clara, lex, and i all three hate ourselves. totally cool, but no not cool.i also feel guilty for flirting with clara when i really only needed someone to help me throught the jon episode. i dont really like her like THAT. ive grown attached to clara though. shes my second best friend. and all those comments throughout the journal is just pure rage. ignore them. did that on the 12th. also going to start taping stuff in here.
"loved you then, love you now, no matter what i say or anyone says"
just thinking of her.... :)
call it scrapbooking. xD
only the good stuff in here from now on. oh, and clara *kissed* me..... i mean its close to valentines day, but uhhh... also not comfortable knowing i have both lex and clara's attention.... i mean i love clara and all but not like lexi.... this is like best friend love. but lex is my soul mate. or at least i hope she is..... at this point, idk. im bored xD more quotes? OKAY!
"to love is to be afraid. you are frightened, deathly terrified, that something will happen to those you love. think of the possibilities. does your heart clench with every thought? that my friend is love. and love enslaves us all, for you cannot have love without fear."
fuck it im going to keep going.2-13-15 continued....
"people change. no one stays the same."
love you micah! were still your friends. wrote the quote in my journal to prove it. its your favorite quote.
and i found all these cool words that are spelled with the same letters.
silent and listen
schoolmaster and the classroom
eleven plus two and twelve plus one
funeral and real fun
dictionary and indicatory.
2-14-15
valentines day!! sucks..... at least this year it does. although i had hoped it would have been spent loving someone for the first time ever.
"i believe im in hell, therefore i am."
some of these quotes are worth keeping. seriously. some are advice, others are just... there.
"nothing in life is easy. but thats no reason to give up. you'll be surprised what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it."
i called lexi "her royal hottness" today :P i was putting some pictures of her up, and i said i didnt want to move "her royal hottness". i wonder what she would say if i said that to her? *rubs hands together* its my mischievous plan of the day. xD
"i would love to change the world, but they wont give me the source code."
i really would. and i would leave the bullies out. i just hate a lot of people.
"im not anti-social, im just not user friendly."
im actually updating this journal for once.
"i feel like im diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
im different. ive learned to accept that. and i guess that makes "her royal hottness" and clara different too.
"i used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
am i as dumb as i feel? i always tell cameron hes stupid, but i think im even more stupid than him. (i hated cameron for a while. dunno why.)
"im busy now. can i ignore you some other time?"
yup im realy stupid. ive too many errors and ive admitted most of them.
"to err is human. to admit it, a blunder"
so technically, im a blunder. close enough. or what about this?
"today is the last day of some of your life."
totally true. some people get older and more stupid. others get older and get smarter. it all depends on your age. i got a chance to talk to lex today. TALK. not read conversations i didnt have a chance to read yesterday. she still only wants to be friends. i get it, but i dont like it. i wish it could all be back to me and her. i wish she was back to herself. shes changed so much right in front of my eyes. probably by sadness. why is she so close yet so far at the same time? dad is coming in June. im going to try and see if he will drive us up to the northern states, so i can hang out with lex for real in real life. and meet kami. yeah whatever. keep dreaming. its not gonna happen. i dont even care. i will stop at nothing to get dad to agree to this. ive wrote four pages. is wrote even a word? i have written four pages. that sounds better. i just dont understand why lex broke up with me. up until me, and after me, the boy has always broken up with her. so why is the 9th bf different? i dont even know. i havent even decided if i want to make this journal public. probably not. oh, and instead of suicide, i can just get into the U.S. Army, and die fighting for my country. and i can get some good money with it too. ive done enough writing for today. my hand is tired. goodnight
2-15-15i still didnt get a chance to go to braedons house and talk to lex and clara.
2-16-15
i found out lex got a youtube account. yayy!! now i can see her whenever i want.... sort of... she put some songs on there, and a guitar tutorial. lets see if she'll write a song for one of her best friends. i think i wanna learn how to play guitar now. i wanna see if a complete idiot like myself can learn. and... secretly i love seeing her videos. its the first time ive seen her not just as a picture, but actually moving and singing. i just thought of something..... i could ask lex to ask my dad about visiting her. if she actually wants to see me that is.
2-17-15
she hasnt replied yet.
2-18-15
so some butt-hole told their parents about what i said to cameron, "i want to kill myself" and the parents told the counselor and the counselor told my mom. im gonna beat someones ass tomorrow for saying that. lex said she had a bad day yesterday, thats why i got no response.
2-22-15
so its time to talk about secrets. let me tell you.... i have about 10 times as many secrets in my head as i have lies. so.... to tell the world a few, here. have some juicy secrets. ive never stopped caring about lex. i really think ill never stop loving her. i dont like clara that much as in "like, like". i read books till midnight and then dont wake up till like 4 in the afternoon so i dont have to deal with my stepdad's bullshit. i actually kinda like books with romance. shall i go on?
3-3-15
so... today is another day i wont forget easily. i told clara that she needs to send me what shes sending to a few guys, because i dont want her to send something she'll regret, and next thing i know im seeing pictures of her upper body naked. okay. i didnt see that coming. i should have but ugh.... i cant believe shes gone that low. now that i wrote that i kinda dont wanna make this public. for reasons. clara is so out of it. i swear, she is going to send one of those guys the wrong picture and then she might get bullied and hated at school. i can tell exactly why she hates life. ugh why did i tell her that i wanted to see all of the stuff she was sending.... like i had it coming.... i shouldve known thats what she meant with her "ads". i have the most gross thing imprinted in my mind and i want it out. oh and to top it off apparently clara and lex aint friends no more. cause when i asked her something about lex she said she hates "the bitch" so.... yeah. good times. goodnight.
3-4-15
yeah. um. nothing interesting today.
3-5-15
so. recap of my life. i love lex. i have a crush on clara, and a girl at my school. i have a few friends at school, including braedon and dylan. i hate a few people including cameron. and i have a new favorite song called "geronimo". i like books. cant get enough of them. i like candy. all kinds of candy. i like expressing my feeling through drawings and doodling. thats me. oh yeah i forgot the biggest thing of all.... im suicidal. cant forget that..... THAT's me.
3-?-15
i dont even know the date. look at me! im going to try to draw someone i know. dunno how itll go either.
3-?-15
i forget stuff, so im writing it down.
tell lexi....
-get a trivia crack
-wont be here 30th of march or 31st.
-april first and may 30th im at sister's house.
-we can chat on trivia crack
-we can also see whos smarter on trivia crack.
3-18-15
im getting a bit devastated. i havent talked to her, by now it should be obvious who "her" is, in a week. during the spring break, and now three days into the next week. what i wrote on page 20. im really scared what might have happened. she never stays away this long. and then i thought of one of the possibilities and it made me go cold. what if she did it? what if she had had enough and slit her wrists? what if she jumped out of a window? ouch. i think i would follow her example. i might try calling her. see if she answers. im really scared of what might have happened. this is the longest ive gone without her. lets hope this is the longest ill ever go without her.
3-19-15
oh my god thank the world. she was back on today. she had track.
3-20-15
kirsti's mom died of cancer early this morning. the sixth graders were all showing her support. many people cried. i know i did.
3-24-15
so. i worked up the nerve to ask the question thats been bugging me forever. im both dying to hear, and afraid to get her answer. "do you still love me?" i asked for a yes or no. no "yes, but..." and no "no, but..." i just want a yes or no. spare me the pain.
4-10-15
i kinda forgot where i put this spiral for a while. lexi said "as a friend". so i got... i think a bit bitchy. i told her that one day, she would love someone like i do towards her, and i said i hoped to god that person wouldnt do the same thing as she did to me. she also asked if she could flirt with her grandma's 16 year old neighbor. i said idc. she told me i should ask clara out. i told her that clara literally already said no a biliion times. and every time i think about her. lex. alexandra jordan geib, my heart aches. for her. because i want her. bad. and it freaking hurts like hell. tomorrow is blue bell. its supposed to rain too. so. fun....
4-15-15
not much going on right now. i had a dream that lex was hurting me. i was tied down, and lex was cutting my thighs. i dont know why, but i couldnt look her in the eyes and tell her to stop. i woke up a sweaty mess and the pain felt real. it felt like someone had actually cut me. oh. and lex told me that her grandma's neighbor flat out told her he likes her. then she said i probably hope it goes bad..... ouch. i dont want her relationships to go bad. i actually would really enjoy seeing her with another guy who treats her well and cares about her for more than sex or popularity. because she is. shes the world to some people and i think its unfair that fuckboys are trying to take advantage of her. and i sorta kinda do want her to myself.
4-19-15
or does that sound extremely selfish? not much going on. lex posted a new video on youtube. i love watching them, but i cant watch for more than about 20-30 seconds, because it hurts. internally. so fucking much. and i hate it.
7-10-15
its midnight. so technically its the 11th. {just thought id add that} so much has changed since the last time i wrote. including my age. i have a phone. i have snapchat. clara's a total badass. lexi has had her third breakup since me. she thinks she loves me. i know i love her. me and my mom are putting plans into action to move away from my worst nightmare. i have constant breakdowns when i dont talk to lexi. she says that she thinks she loves me, and would have a relationship, but she thinks it would hurt both of us more than it profits. i saw my dad for the first time since 2009. i cried after telling lex how her videos were affecting me. and im stuck in an endless loop of frustration. i think its called addiction. i cant spend more than a week without lex or i start to starve myself. more than 2 days and i have a breakdown. i want to let go of lex, but i cant. its so hard. but it feels good to write it down. all of it. {im on page 40 btw} one last thing. {now i really hope nobody ever reads this. i might burn it.} lex. shes been cutting. she says its gotten worse. she also says im the only person she cant be herself around. "i just want you to know, that every time i talk to you, its me." man. i love her so much.
last week of july somewhere
nothing much has been going on. lex took a few weeks to herself, so ive been tortured real bad for once. and is it me or is my handwriting getting worse? probably because of discontinued school use. school starts in 4 weeks. fuckkk. oh well... i wuz getting bored. anddddd.. were moving. yeahhh!!! to a small house. noooo!!!! smaller than lex's. the humiliation is terrible. im jk. its a cool place.
no clue.... august?
well just when things couldnt get worse, they did. me and lex are no longer friends. we have parted ways. i wont cry about it though. i could tell it was coming. this year with lex will never be forgotten. but i will quit my writings until i have a new girl i love as much as her. which may take a while, but it also might not. who knows. im gonna make a profile of her.
name: lex J. geib
Age: 14, almost 15
hair: beautiful golden blond.
eyes: she claims they change color. i want to see them in real life some time.
voice: sounds like angels.
animal: bird-crow
color: blue
Band: sws
Likes: night, rain, crows.
profession: currently wishes to be a writer.
loves: piano and guitar.
Food: oh this is embarrassing i dont remember.
alright. thats all i can think of. until a new girl comes, goodbye. :P
THE END
reading the comments and shedding the few tears i can still make.https://www.goodreads.com/photo/user/...
met some really nice people today. i hope i can start using goodreads more often again instead of once a month or so.
im getting careless with skipping classes.... my mom found out i was skipping and she didnt seem too upset but eh. i need my phone back cause my dad is probably worried since i havent talked to him in more than a week now. i also miss talking to lauren, gosh i wish she liked me back. shes so amazing and im not. shes the only motivation i need to have in order to feel better and do better. but thats the way life is isnt it?
When I was a kid, I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing. I thought they were both pork chops. And Because my grandmother thought it was cute, and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it. Not really a big deal. One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees, I fell out of a tree, and bruised the right side of my body. I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it because I was scared I'd get in trouble for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been. A few days later, the gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office. From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home. I saw no reason to lie. As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good. I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.This led to a full-scale investigation, and I was removed from the house for three days, until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises. News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school, and I earned my first nickname: Porkchop. To this day, I hate pork chops.
I'm not the only kid who grew up this way, surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme about sticks and stones, as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called, and we got called them all. So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us, that we'd be lonely forever, that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun was something they built for us in their toolshed. So broken heartstrings bled the blues, as we tried to empty ourselves so we would feel nothing. Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone, that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away, that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.
She was eight years old, our first day of grade three when she got called ugly. We both got moved to the back of class so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs. But the school halls were a battleground. We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day. We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse. Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away, or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there. In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk that read, "Beware of dog."
To this day, despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful, because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face. Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done." And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom," because they see her heart before they see her skin, because she's only ever always been amazing.
He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree, adopted, not because his parents opted for a different destiny. He was three when he became a mixed drink of one part left alone and two parts tragedy, started therapy in eighth grade, had a personality made up of tests and pills, lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs, four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants, and an adolescent being called "Popper," one part because of the pills, 99 parts because of the cruelty. He tried to kill himself in grade 10 when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it." As if depression is something that could be remedied by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.
To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends, could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends the moment before it's about to fall, and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration, he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction and more to do with sanity.
We weren't the only kids who grew up this way. To this day, kids are still being called names. The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz." Seems like every school has an arsenal of names getting updated every year. And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear, do they make a sound? Or are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat, when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel." Every school was a big top circus tent, and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers, from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were. We were freaks — lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies, oddities juggling depression and loneliness, playing solitaire, spin the bottle, trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal, but at night, while the others slept, we kept walking the tightrope. It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.
But I want to tell them that all of this shit, is just debris left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be, and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself, you signed it, "They were wrong." Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique. Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything. Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told, because how can you hold your ground if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it? You have to believe that they were wrong. They have to be wrong. Why else would we still be here?
We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog because we see ourselves in them. We stem from a root planted in the belief that we are not what we were called. We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway, and if in some way we are, don't worry. We only got out to walk and get gas. We are graduating members from the class of fuck off We Made It, not the faded echoes of voices crying out, "Names will never hurt me." Of course they did.
But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act that has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty.
im sitting here listening to sad music debating if life is worth living.
I CANT GET MY MIND OFF OF HER AND ITS MAKING ME GO FUCKING MAD. SOMEONE PLEASE DISTRACT ME!!!!!!
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
i wish things had worked out with her because then i would be so happy and i would be passing all my classes instead of failing all of them and skipping most of them. i would be less rude and ignorant to the world and my energy level would skyrocket. i just want herrrr
so today on the bus i stood on this one dude's shoe on accident cause his foot was IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ISLE I WAS TRYING TO WALK IN and he said "hey dont ever step on my shoes again. next time ill beat you up" and when i got home i rethought that statement..... and the more i thought about it, the more fucked up it became.... like who tf cares about their shoes that much? if you dont want them to get dirty or stepped on, dont put your feet in the isle, dont wear those ugly ass things to school, and put them in a museum or sum shit. as for the beating up part, i wanted to turn around and be like, "go ahead and beat me up. i wont stop you" "go ahead and make me feel like the piece of shit i already know i am. but if i do kill myself your ugly fucking name is going on the note i write while crying to my parents about why i did what i did. and the cops will stick you in jail where your ass belongs."
Cynonic~Why should I care what anyone says about me?~ wrote: "HIIIIII"heyyy :P
whale.... read what i just posted xD
ugh people in general piss me tf off
okay, so for everyone who is new (yes i can see the views spiking up) the girl i keep talking about is this beautiful girl who goes to my school, rides my bus, and lives in the same neighborhood as me. shes got the prettiest hazel eyes, her hair falls perfectly without her trying (i realize i stole that from my homie bruno mars) shes got a voice that speaks angel, we have a lot of common interests, and shes had a bad relationship in the past like me a little bit but hers was more serious. i just think she deserves someone who cares about her a bunch and doesnt cheat on her because of how pretty she is. and sure, shes focusing on school and herself right now, but im moving to the netherlands where my dad lives, and in two years ill come back and hope she likes me back. if she does then well last till the sun blows up earth, if she doesnt then idk what im gonna do.
i think the title is better than what it was.
sing... me... to sleep... now....
im fadeddddd...... so lost....
most of alan walker's songs come from the heart..... theyre so good.
