it's personal discussion

88 views
Journals : C-F > Don't.Can't.Won't.Never.

Comments Showing 1-50 of 66 (66 new)    post a comment »
« previous 1

message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Mar 02, 2016 01:58PM) (new)

People can't comment but if they want to talk they can private message me.


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

There wasn't any rain today it snowed instead. It didn't stick much but it snowed. It made me even more sad than I already am. I constantly want to cry. That's the pain but there isn't any rain yet.


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

I want to be let go of. I may be fourteen but that doesn't mean that I can't protect myself. I am young, vulnerable, sad, confused and many other things but not unprotected. I have my walls. I have my defenses.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm here.
I can be unwanted but I'm here.
I can be wanted but I'm here.
I can leave but I'm here.
I can stay but I'm here.
I can love but I'm here.
I can hate but I'm here.
I can die but I'm here.
I can live but I'm here.
I can be somebody but I'm here.
I can be nobody but I'm here.
I can continue but I'm here.
I can stop but I'm here.


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

I wish I could leave. Just not be anywhere. I wish I could disappear into my brain and curl up amongst my dreams. I wish I could cry while my internal thoughts cuddled me. I need a shoulder. I need a friend. I need a love.


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

I lost something very important recently. It felt like something was torn out of me. I needed help but didn't want to talk. I talked but I lied. I lied but I didn't cry. I wouldn't cry I'm not allowed to cry. It didn't rain that day.


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

Life hurts. I need someone to comfort me. Not to tell me that life will turn itself around. That the good will always balance out the bad. That things will get better. Just tell me that you agree. Don't lie but when you actually see life the way I do and agree. That's what I need.


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

I try but it doesn't work.
I cry but it does nothing.
I see and am told to speak.
I speak and am told to watch.
I hear and am told to listen.
I love and am told to hate.
I pull and am told to push
I try but it doesn't work.
I cry but it does nothing.


There was once again no rain today. Only snow.


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

I cope. Just barely but I get along. For now at least.


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm basically shutting down. It doesn't hurt as much as you'd think. I let go of a lot but take on the pressure of hiding it. I give up a lot but continue through with a plan that hurts more than anything else. I need an answer. An answer to why.


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

Daddy dear.
Where are you?
I love you so.
But you're not here.
I want you to see.
Me as I am.
To have seen me grow up.
To have influenced me.
I know you not.
I want you so.
I love you lots.
Why'd you have to go?


message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

A little backstory on what inspired that poem.
I was two when my current parents were married. My mom is my biological mom but my father isn't. My mom and my biological dad were only dating and my mom dumped him. My biological father committed suicide about three years ago. I acted like it never bothered me because I never knew him and then I saw pictures. We look a lot alike. Then I wondered what drove him to suicide. Was it ever me? Did he remember me? Did he want to meet me? Did he love me? What would he say? All these things and more I will never know. I can't stand not knowing this. I just want my daddy.


message 13: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 04, 2016 03:09PM) (new)

Why does life hate us? Why does it place us here only to take us away? Why does it laugh when we become stuck or hurt? Why put us here in the first place? What is our purpose? What is the meaning of this? Were we put here to self destruct? To die?


message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

I can guess that people are conflicted.
About what you may ask.
About what to make of me. A trans boy. A demon. A vessel of pain. A self destructing teen.
To much kills a person. Too much breaks them. Bends them. Snaps them. I've taken to much.. I've broken, bent and snapped. But I haven't died yet.


message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

Overdose was an option. My parents weren't home so I went for it in January of 2016. 35 Tylenols. A warm feeling in my chest. A half hour nap. A headache. Twelve times I threw up. Over one hundred times I thought I was going to die and smiled. It didn't work.


message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

I'll stay for you as long as I can take it. I can barely get by the way I am. So how I'm going to help you is a mystery. I can try though.


message 17: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 04, 2016 03:10PM) (new)

I said that I'd stay. I stayed until I couldn't take it. That's why I overdosed. But now so many people are after me why not let them catch me, and hold me tight, and not let go? That's what you all want to do. So fine, I'll stop running. I'll stop trying to ease pain away. I'll just stop. I'm already just going through the motions. Why not continue on and suffer through the motions?


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

I broke today. I was faking happiness and it just stopped. It wasn't gradual it just stopped. At that moment I just stopped. I spent the rest of class under a table. My teacher didn't notice nor did they care.


message 19: by [deleted user] (new)

There was still no rain today.


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

Another overdose last night for those who don't know. 35 Excedrin. I threw up 4 times and still went to school. No rain. It's actually gotten rather warm.


message 21: by [deleted user] (new)

Bubbles and nausea.
Fire and bubbles.
Fire and nausea.
Fire. Bubbles. Nausea.
Fire. Nausea. Bubbles.
Bubbles. Fire. Nausea.
Bubbles. Nausea. Fire.
Nausea. Fire. Bubbles.
Nausea. Bubbles. Fire.


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

No rain. No rain. I like the rain because when I cry nobody can tell. The rain runs down my face masking my sadness. My madness. Faux me. Faux emotion.


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

It's supposed to rain all day today. I was outside earlier and let the rain wash away my tears.


message 24: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 04, 2016 03:13PM) (new)

Why do I cry? Well. Here.
My mom was looking through my Instagram and I always like the queer stuff because I am.
She started yelling about how it wasn't "okay to be queer" and threw my phone at me.
She said "You will never be a guy. You will never be gay. You will never be whatever you think you are because you're mine and I gave birth to you so you can't change what I made".


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

Am I allowed to cry?


message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

So, my second boyfriend just dumped me. It rained but lightly and I can't go outside.


message 27: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 04, 2016 03:13PM) (new)

It doesn't seem like it would hurt much at first. But it does. A lot. Once it actually happens. It's so painful. I want to cry but if would be disregarded as teenage angst and hormones. I want to scream but it's covered by the cries of the birds. Everything I choked out. Everything I wrenched up deep from inside to try and love again. It was all thrown away. It hurt too much. My relationships are over. My emotions are over. In turn it means that my pain is over, right?


message 28: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 04, 2016 03:15PM) (new)

At the time I just want to cry. Everything hurts. I've stopped sleeping and am now exhausted. I want to scream and cry and just be with the one friend that will hold me and make everything feel better for a little while. But they are out being smart at a science fair competition that they moved on in. I will eventually move somewhere and I'll cry because seeing that friend is one of the only things that keeps me sane and alive anymore. If we leave it might as well be the end of me. It might as well be the end of everything for me. My friend isn't a very touchy huggy person but when you need them they are there for you. They are always there. Well, not always because nobody is always there. Everybody has a life and now connection is down to email for us because their phone is broken and they are using a replacement. It doesn't seem like they will be getting their other one back anytime soon. If it's not fixed by the time I leave then we're screwed. We would have been screwed anyway but even more so now. I hope we keep in touch. My friend is my one and only lifeline. Without them I would have overdosed until I died. The thought of them though. It keeps me alive. I love my friend and need them always. It wont be long before I move and when I do it wont be long after that before I die.


message 29: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm suffering from major dysphoria. I want to die. I want it all to go away. It all hurts so bad and there's nothing I can do about it. In case anyone who reads this wonders why I'm suffering dysphoria it's because I'm a trans boy. Two friends know and now you do to. Nobody recognizes it and it hurts. I want to reverse it all to the moment I realized I was a boy and slap myself. I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't like the pain. I want to leave. Anyone who wants to come with me can. Let's leave now.


message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

I don't feel right.


message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

Why don't I feel right? Why can't I feel normal? I want to feel happy. I'm not happy in my body. I constantly want to change my appearance. I constantly want to die. I constantly want to cry until everything is washed away. Until everything is gone.


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

Don't think anything will ever get better. It won't. Not in my experience anyway. Everything just hurts more. Everything just gets worse. The sun comes out. Spring is coming then Summer and I won't see my lifeline nearly as much as I need to. No pun intended I will have that summertime sadness.


message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm going to come back like nothing happened now.
Are you okay with that?
I'm going to tell you my problems now.
Are you okay with that?
I'm going to cry now.
Are you okay with that?
I'm going to think now.
Are you okay with that?
I'm going to cuddle now.
Are you okay with that?
I need you more than ever now.
But you're gone and soon I will be too.
Are you okay with that?


message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

I didn't want to come home today. I wanted to go somewhere else far away. I wanted to leave. It would be better for me the way I think.


message 35: by [deleted user] (new)

Leave. Just leave. If I left then everything would go away until I came back. If I came back. If I came back everything would hit me like a wall. A wall. A wall is what's stopping me. It's big and tall and wide. I can't go anywhere but away from the wall and towards my problems. If I stay at the wall my problems attack me. There's nothing I can do. I'm defenseless. I'm broken and scarred. I won't heal. I only crack further. I break. I cry. I scream and fight but it does nothing. I can't do anything. I'm a shell hollowed out for something that was supposed to be there. Nothing came. I was ready for happy. It never arrived. I watched the wall waiting for it to fall. It never did. I tried climbing the wall. It's like marble and too high. I tried getting through the wall. It's to strong and thick. I tried going around the wall. It goes on forever. I tried going under the wall. It's too deep. I'm trapped.


message 36: by [deleted user] (new)

A broken, dysphoric, trans teen spilling his guts to his ex. You see hurt and pain swirling and colliding with each breath. You see everything and nothing all at the same time. You see that you can't help and that hurts doesn't it?


message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

Everything is swirling and colliding and falling apart. It hurts so bad. I don't know how much longer I can take it.


message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

"You're worthless!" She says. "A waste of skin and space!" She says. "I should sell you for your organs!" She says. "I wish I'd had the money for an abortion!" She says. "You were my biggest mistake!" She says. "You're trash!" She says. "I hate you!" She says.


message 39: by [deleted user] (new)

These are a few of the things my mom said to me today. My dad won't even look at me.


message 40: by [deleted user] (new)

My mom got mad at me and threw a knife. It whizzed two inches over my head and got stuck in a cupboard. I hate spring break.


message 41: by [deleted user] (new)

It's too much. My coping mechanisms have been gone for quite a while and I'm not managing. This isn't good. I need help. But I don't like help. I'm not reaching out anymore. Never again.


message 42: by [deleted user] (new)

So. I have a feeling that nobody reads my journal like a book. Or really at all. Mainly because I don't let people post in it. But I don this because I know anyone who did would either say they understand or try to help me. I know people understand and I don't like help. So there you go. Also I would rather not have my thoughts interrupted by others speaking. It's not bad that people talk I'd just rather it not be in my journal. It's hard enough for me to put my feelings up on display. It's another thing when people read them. The last thing is when people try to help. I need you to understand that I can't be helped and what I do to cope can't be changed.


message 43: by [deleted user] (new)

I don't know how much I can take. I have to help someone with relationships that I don't understand. I have to keep my friends happy but one of them hates another. My mom is terrible. My dad is indifferent. My biological dad is dead. My siblings hate me. I'm practically dying.


message 44: by [deleted user] (new)

So. I know I've been gone for a while. I'm not going to explain why. But I will tell you what happened that's got me the way I am. I tried to come out to someone I trusted. A person my age that I consider a friend. I tried to tell them that I'm trans but they kept on denying it. I told my most trusted friend and they said that they'll tell them off. My only thing was that I had to be there.


message 45: by [deleted user] (new)

When people say live life to the fullest I don't respond like a normal person. Not internally at least. Internally I say: I can't. I can't. I can't. Why? I've given up. Certain things don't effect me. But other things hit me hard. And I hide it. To some that seems callous. To me it's protecting. It's preservation. I put away emotion and show happiness because people can use my feelings and experiences against me. I'm hurt enough. I don't like to suffer. I seem like what I'm not. I act like what I'm not. All for the sake of protection. The protection isn't just for me either. It's for others. If I'm not in a good mood and my friend needs an uplift I can't give one. That's my function in our group. I listen. I let people cry. I give hugs. I give uplifts. That's about it. If I told anyone besides my one friend about what goes on in my life. I would probably kill myself. I couldn't handle making people worry or feel bad for me. I would just feel terrible. I would be making people suffer. So I take their suffering and turn it loose within me.


message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm leaving. Don't know when I'll be back. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. Life is tough. Love is tougher. Emotions are toughest. Dealing with it is an entire other story. Let's read it sometime.


message 47: by [deleted user] (new)

Me being an idiot. Someone told me that I shouldn't be sorry because there was no way I could help them. That is one of the worst things anyone could say to me. If I can't help I have no purpose. Life already means very little and its creeping towards meaning nothing as time goes on.


message 48: by [deleted user] (new)

Depression. Hard.
Hits. Hard.
Hurts. Hard.
Makes life. Hard.
Makes interaction. Hard.
Makes talking. Hard.
Makes everything. Hard.
Makes people. Hard.


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

Is there anyone? Who feels like helping? A poor lost soul? In need of reassurance? In need of patience? In need of love? In need of comfort? A soul who is wilting? A soul who is weeping? A soul who is reminded of what they could have been? A soul who can't accept that they can't help? A soul who needs help but wont take it? Nobody will try.


message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

Everybody tires. No on succeeds. It's impossible. Protection is needed. Yet it cannot be provided. Love is needed yet it cannot be provided. Patience is needed yet it cannot be provided. Much is needed. Yet none can be provided.


« previous 1
back to top