Don't.Can't.Won't.Never.

[[deleted user]]

"I am someone that no one needs." This resonates well with me. My "father" adopted me so that I would have his last name and so that he could marry my mom. Now they both hate me and I'm always in the way. I might as well just delete my account here. Life has gotten to that point where I consider cutting off all systems of communication.

[[deleted user]]

Hey. Did ya miss me? Of course not because nobody reads this. It's not entertaining enough for you. So, I was gone in Washington D.C. And now I'm back. I realized that my best friend prefers another friend over me. So even though I could have just talked to the. I texted them saying that I've been meaning to say that I was sorry. Then I put in my earbuds and turned on my angst playlist. They called my name but I turned up my music and closed my eyes behind my sunglasses. I let Ed Sharon drown out the noise of over forty eighth grades on a bus. They didn't text me back and they never confronted me about it.

[[deleted user]]

What have I done? Have I hurt you somehow? I speak and petals come out of my mouth. I try to express my emotions through nature. I will completely subside at your will not mine. I told you I loved you and you left me feeling cold. Tell me have I hurt you. In one way or another. I'll make it up to you. I'll change myself for us.

[[deleted user]]

I'm one of those demons who is often left alone but never wants to be alone even when they are upset. My friends usually end up pairing off and it hurts because I'm usually left alone. It's painful. Though I usually show indifference. Candy Tuft. Candy Tuft is the flower meaning indifference.

http://www.gardeningknowhow.com/wp-co...

[[deleted user]]

This is my is journal. I found it. I'll just continue here I guess.

[[deleted user]]

Dead leaves, they mean sadness,
Petunia, that means anger,
Yellow Carnation, it means rejection,
Purple Hyacinth, it means sorrow,
Marigold, it means grief.
Some emotions I'm feeling as of right now. only in the form of flowers. What a lovely bouquet of angst.

[CallmeTony]

I'll continue again. This time maybe I'll stay for longer than a year. I keep leaving and coming back. Maybe I need it here. Miss me much? Of course not.

[jay, rip]

i can unarchive this if you want

[CallmeTony]

jay wrote: "i can unarchive this if you want"

That'd be great.

[jay, rip]

cool, ill get on it

[jay, rip]

done

[CallmeTony]

Thanks.

[CallmeTony]

Lavender Heather for Solitude, Hydrangea for frigidity, Larkspur for fickleness, Peony for shame, Snapdragon for deception, Red roses for deep emotion, Blue roses for mystery, Black roses for the death of feeling. What a lovely bouquet of emotion.

[CallmeTony]

Rain turned to snow. Mist to fog. Life to death. Everything changes. Everything dies. Heavy, heavier, heaviest. That feeling settles in the pit of my stomach dragging me down, deep, deeper, deepest into the unknown into the darkness. Dark, darker, darkest night. Matte black. No more light.

[CallmeTony]

I don't understand why this happens to me. I stretch myself to the limit for other people. I love them and care for them even though I can't even love and care for myself. I use my entire being to lift them up and to help them and then when I have a problem it's ignored or I'm treated like I'm being overdramatic. Nobody is used to me going off on them because I feel like I'm betraying them if I do. Now that' I've gone off, nine days before I was supposed to have a birthday party with the people I thought might have cared even in the most minuscule amounts, it all goes down the drain and I feel like dying and crying but I don't have the energy for either. I don't understand why these things happen to me. I'm not sure I understand anything anymore. There's no positive anymore. I can't tell anyone because my problems are only a burden to them. I don't know what to do. I don't need inspiration or for someone to tell me it'll get better. I need to transfer schools. I need to leave the country. I need to leave the planet. The universe. Everything. I don't know how to handle this anymore. No outlets that I can use whenever I need to. Just rage and sadness and stress and depression and anxiety and numbness. Emotional abuse is still abuse but apparently these people aren't abusing me by using my generosity and my want to please and giving me nothing in return. These people aren't abusing me by treating me like what I have to say doesn't matter and making me seem like the bad guy and like I'm overreacting when I actually have a problem, or something that I'm proud of. These people aren't abusing me by telling me that I'm irritating them and that they want to slap me and then not telling me why. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. 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These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me. These people aren't abusing me.

[CallmeTony]

Can't breathe.
Hyperventilating.
Am I dying?
Nope.
It's just an onslaught of anxiety that I don't have.
The anxiety that I don't have according to my parents.
The anxiety that I only have in the form of spiraling.
What about the immense stress?
What about the lack of sleep?
What about the constant aches and pains?
What about my mental well-being?
Oh wait, that doesn't exist.
What about me?
Oh wait, that doesn't exist.
I don't exist.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
I'm a phantom of deja vu, lurking in the recesses of your mind.
I'm a ghost of a ghost of a ghost of a memory.
I'm practically nonexistent.
I'm a grain of sand that slipped through your fingers.
I'm a drop of water that slid away.
I'm a thought that you couldn't hold on to.
I'm black matter in the universe that you can't ever see.
I'm not anything.
I'm mist.
I'm fog.
I'm air.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm nothing
I'm nothin
I'm nothi
I'm noth
I'm not
I'm no
I'm n
I'm
I'm
I'
I